“That’s unusual” I say, as I look up at the sun that has a plaster on it’s face and singing “It’s getting hot in here” whilst removing various items of clothing. Then I remember I’m in Spain, and not in England, so a stripping sun singing Nelly songs isn’t that unusual. I am currently accompanying my mum on a post-dinner walk. It is a pleasant yet uncomfortable walk, partly due to these flip-flops that are flipping and flopping in all the wrong directions. But mainly because every other shop we pass has a caboodle of T-shirts on show, with non-family friendly gags such as a picture of sheep with the word ‘SILF’ underneath it.....or towels with heavily chested topless women, in uniforms no police force or fire brigade would ever approve. I haven’t felt this embarrassed since I texted a girl at work ‘LOL’ forgetting she could see me and I wasn’t even close to laughing out loud. A mosquito is having a picnic on my neck, nibbling away. I make a mental note to pass this off as a love bite to my friends back home. My mum seems equally as uncomfortable as we pass a t-shirt displaying several sex positions I’m not sure lizards would actually be able to perform. She quickly detours and slips into a shop labelled ‘Supermarket’ but what British supermarkets would laugh at and pick on in the playground. It is clearly a Newsagents. The newsagent greets my mum with an ‘Olla’. My mum looks at the lady’s hands then walks on, clearly thinking that she had said ‘Voila’ and was just a terrible magician. I follow my mum as she dances down the isle looking at the various items begging to be bought. She stops and considers a range of peanuts, giving them great thought as though trying to pick an Instagram filter. I keep a safe distance, well aware of the dangers nuts pose to my well being. I’ve had that battle before. As I give the peanuts a dirty look something catches my eye. On the shelf below is a collection of ornaments. Wooden ornaments.Wooden ornaments, delicately hand crafted into undeniable PENISES!! THAT’S RIGHT MY FRIENDS!!….and you, random stranger who Googled ‘ridiculously handsome and talented young man’ and found your way here. A WHOLE HERD OF THEM!! PENISES!! WITH THEIR HEADS HELD HIGH!! PROUDLY INSCRIBED WITH ‘MALLORCA’ ACROSS THEIR CHESTS!! BOASTING VERY GENEROUS PRICES!! My imaginary military training kicks in and I quickly dive in front of them, pushing my mother back. “LOOK MUM!! LOOK AT THAT AMAZING TIN OF BAKED BEANS OVER THERE!!!” I say, pointing at the opposite direction. “IT’S….IT’S AMAZING!!' I continue, probably using the word ‘amazing’ a little too fast and loose, overselling what is actually the same tin of Heinz beans my mum currently has in her kitchen cupboard. I hurry her away and we turn the corner and proceed down the second isle.
We stare at the most unappealing bars of chocolate known to man, they look as old as Spain itself!! We catch each others eye and share a hearty laugh…an expression I don’t really understand…..I mean, do you laugh so much your heart pops up to say hi? Or does it have a chuckle while your other organs sit there like “what’s up with Fred?” …..either way, if ever we have had a hearty laugh, it is now, as it lasts longer than the debate about whether Tomato Ketchup should be stored in the fridge or the cupboard. We continue down the isle and I hear a noise….the very same haunting noise you hear in a horror film when something dark and evil is approaching. I look ahead, half expecting an angry vampire who is appalled at the way Twilight has portrayed his people. But what do I see? AN ENTIRE COLUMN OF SHELVES WITH PENISES!! IT LOOKS LIKE A GIANT LASAGNE MADE OF SPAGHETTI RUGS!! CRUDE, LUCID, INEPT, PENISES!!! SOME BIG LIKE PANINI'S!! SOME SMALL, LIKE TIM BURTONS CASTING LIST!! SOME WITH DECORATIVE PATTERNS!! SOME WITH JAMAICAN RASTA HATS SMOKING WEED!! PENIS KEY CHAINS!! PENIS MAGNETS!! SOME LIKE FLUTES!!….OH GOD, THAT ONE ACTUALLY IS A FLUTE!!! DID ONE JUST LOOK AT ME!!? IM PETRIFIED!!! THERE ARE SO MANY OF THEM!!! SO OFFENDING!! SO INSULTING!! even more so than watching porn on your phone at a strip club. How will I get my mum past them without her spotting them!!? AND WHAT IS SPAIN’S OBSESSION WITH PENISES!!!
Mum is fast approaching behind me. I need a distraction!! THINK!! I break into a dance……it’s not perfect but it’s a start. I soon realise this isn’t working, she knows me too well, she’s not affected by my strange moves. She knows I do silly things all the time. Like when I wiped my fingerprints from that crime scene and left my touchscreen phone. I have to try something else. “MUM!! LOOK AT THIS MILKSHAKE!! IT HAS A SMILING PARROT ON IT!!! It’s working, she’s gliding towards me. “CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS!!? HAH….PARROTS DON’T DRINK MILKSHAKES!!” I exclaim, forcing out the most disbelief my face can muster. She continues to follow me as though I was a master Tweeter. Can’t say I blame her…It’s a milkshake WITH A SMILING PARROT ON IT!! As far as milkshakes go this is pretty fascinating!! We move in unison as I guide her past the castle of genitalia. I can’t believe I done it!! YOU LOSE MINI PENIS LAND!!! YOU WONT TAINT MY MOTHERS EYES WITH YOUR DIRTY INDECENT EXPOSURE!! AWAY WITH YOU!! YOU WILL NEVER GET THE PLEASURE OF CATCHING HER ATTENTION!! YOU SHALL NOT PLUNDER HER INNOCENCE!! GO TAKE A COLD SHOWER EVIL PHALLUSES!!! Taking no chances I continue to navigate her towards the door. “At the roundabout, take the first exit”…..Mum gives me a look then stops me in front of the newsagent, slash magician. “Hey Dan, do you need a lighter?”. I look at her, concerned. She knows I don't smoke. Did she eat one of those old chocolate bars!? “I don’t smoke, why would I need a lighter?” I ask before looking in the direction she is pointing to, only to find an assortment of lighters shaped like penises with smiley faces on them.