Thursday, 17 May 2012

The Avengers Review

the-avengers-posterAs a superhero who was showered with super powers on the lower end of the spectrum, I gotta say, I really wanted this film to be AN ABOMINATION!! I mean, while Stan Lee was handing out technologically enhanced flying Iron suits and emotionally activated gamma ray strength, all I was given was super human abilities, which sounds fancy, but really is just a fancy way of saying I am extremely human!! ... Oh, I was however also given the power to change my nose.... That's right! CHANGE MY BLOODY NOSE!! Like I can ever save the world with that!!!

I enter the cinema and use my severely normal, if not, below average 'seeing' powers, along with my 'ticket reading' power to locate my seat.... laugh now but I bet there are blind illiterate people still wanderings the isles of the cinema trying to find their seats! As soon as the film started, it was clear to me this was anything but AN ABOMINATION!! The screen was filled with more delights than a Turkish wrapper could contain. Seeing the selection of household name superheroes get together.....y'know, to fight crime... not in any sort of orgy way... was more exciting than a headline that reads ‘Leaked Nude Scarlett Johansson Pictures’. When they fought each other, I loved it... when they cooperated with each other, I loved it. Purely seeing them interact on any level was a joy.....It could have literally been a green veiny hand and a shiny iron hand having a thumb war on screen and I probably would have accidentally slapped a child in excitement. There was true chemistry between the characters...not to say they were separated by Bunsen burners and Glass Flasks...but they’re combined personalities proved very entertaining. This worked well because each character was established, and familiar.. and more importantly interesting!! So when Iron Man and Captain America are on the brink of an old fashioned back alley brawl that would settle a lot of unresolved school kid, playground debates, we sit there wide eyed, clench fisted, screaming out “KICK HIM IN THE IRON BALLS!!!”.

As I sat there, using my astoundingly unaltered human strength to lift my drink to my mouth, and back to the cup holder, I revelled in mindless, relentless action. Action that slapped me with a wet fish every time I blinked. Action that dressed like Lady Gaga and craved attention. I didn't feel worthy of seeing such action!! How did I get the privilege of seeing a spectacle of this scale!? Yes my wallet is a little lighter, but surely the average human being shouldn't be allowed to see such awesomeness. So I sit there thinking 'I shouldn't be here!' like someone had switched the gender signs on the toilet doors, or like a trolley outside the boundaries of the supermarket car park. But I grin, because I AM here, and I just saw the Hulk ragdoll someone like a baby with a rattle!!
I was so hyped up after seeing this film that whilst shuffling in the stream of people leaving the auditorium, doing my best hulk impression, I randomly head butted a guy built like a house, in the back of his head!! He turned round angrily, nose flaring, veins pumping!! I quickly changed my nose.. IT COULDN'T POSSIBLY BE ME!! LOOK AT MY NOSE!!!!

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