Sunday, 30 October 2011

The Adventures of Tintin: The Secret Of The Unicorn Review

the_adventures_of_tintin_2011_5567_posterIt takes a great film to take ‘movie reviewer Dan’ out of his Osama hideout and share his thoughts……but Alvin & the Chipmunks 3 is still months away so this will have to do. As a fan of Steven Spielberg I knew even before seeing the trailer that I would be blocking a cinema seat from seeing the film with my ass. Then I watched the trailer. Then I watched the trailer again. Then I cleaned my glasses... and watched the trailer again……I’ll save some time, I believe I watched the trailer about 25 times before actually seeing the film. I was amazed by it!! It felt like some sort of mind trick where everything I was seeing and hearing was awesome. Like Dr. Charles Xavier was inside my mind saying ( a Patrick Stewart voice) “You ARE enjoying the WILL see this film…and you WILL tell Magneto to bring back my wheelchair…seriously I’ve been sitting on my bed for days now…its beyond a joke……when I find out who designed that bloody helmet of his I’m gonna make them think they’re Stewie Griffin’s nappy!!!”. So you see I had no choice but to see this film.

Let me put this simply, I FREAKIN LOOOOOVED THIS FILM!!!!! I LOVED IT SO MUCH I’M SCARED I MIGHT HAVE AN STD!!! You see, there are ‘movies’…there are ‘Steven Spielberg movies’…then there are ‘STEVEN FREAKIN SPIELBERG MOVIES!!!’. This is the latter!! It has been a while since Spielberg has done a movie where he has really let loose and had fun with a film. In Tintin he reminds us why he is one of the greatest filmmakers of all time. From the very first scene he had me gripped, GRIPPED!!! IT WAS DAMN NEAR ASSAULT!!! I WOULD HAVE CALLED THE POLICE IF I COULD GET A SIGNAL!!! ‘POLICE POLICE!!’ I would have shouted, ‘SPIELBERG HAS ME GRIPPED!!! HE HAS ME IN AN ANACONDA CHOKE AND I DON’T KNOW WHAT HE WANTS!! HE WONT LET GO!!! ITS LIKE HE’S DROWNING AND I’M A FLOATATION DEVICE!!!’. The visuals command respect! Like a teacher with a gun!! I sat there quietly and kept my head down to avoid getting asked questions I didn’t know the answers to. Seriously, I’ve not been as captured by an opening scene and presence of a movie since ‘Lost in translation’ where Scarlett Johansson’s bum is the first and only thing we see for a good forty seconds. You’re welcome.

The most impressive thing about this film to me was the camera work. I can not remember the last time I saw such creativity and exploration with a camera. This has always been a skill that Spielberg has revelled in but he really cranked it up in this film. It brings me so much pleasure to say he is back on top form……in fact, it almost makes me question if he was on performance enhancement drugs whilst doing this!! There’s so much I can say about this film but I’ve wasted a lot of space already so I’ll just quick fire a few things. The way he juggles the many different themes and locations is absolutely flawless!! The humour threaded in the film is brilliant and largely credited to Andy Serkis as ‘Captain Haddock’ and the unstoppable duo Nick Frost & Simon Pegg as the ‘Thompson twins’. There are creative transitions in this film that make you go ‘Whoa…what a creative transition’. There is also a great JAWS reference in this film that you can’t help but chuckle at. The 3D was good (not great), and quite frankly I would love to see it again on the big screen. Can’t wait to see what Peter Jackson will brings to the table in the sequel, but I know for sure that another cinema seat will be blocked!!

Daniel K. Jackson

A small collection of my arty-farty DKJ Facebook profile pics. I like the bottom right one, that’s one happy chappy lol


Saturday, 29 October 2011

Every Little Helps

British-Money copy        So I’m starting a new job today. My last employer heard me singing a personalised version of ‘Too sexy for my shirt’ and realised it was true, I WAS too sexy for that shirt, too sexy for that hair net, too sexy it hurt……but they were too chicken to admit it and fired me before I could do my little turn on the catwalk. My new boss is a nice guy, in fact very nice…suspiciously so. He gets me glasses of water, gives me an extra 15 minutes on my break, he even gives me newspapers to read while I work. I start to wonder how far I can push this nice-ness, I mean, I have a phone bill that needs paying…… My thoughts are disturbed as my boss, Mike, approaches me to check how I’m getting along. “How are you getting along?” he asks. “No sweat” I respond, wiping the sweat from my forehead so I present myself as a truthful man. “Good good…” Mike says. He stares at me with a ‘let’s bond’ look on his face……eww no not THAT type!! He didn't have ropes or handcuffs!!  “Sooo, what you doing with your hair?” he asks “you gonna get dreadlocks?”. I picture myself with dreadlocks, shaking my head so hard I can hear Willow Smith squeak with delight. I’m pleased that my glasses prevent me from whipping myself in the eye……Mike looks on…he’s probably wondering why I haven’t responded yet……and why I started randomly shaking my head about. “I’m not sure what I’m doing with it really…just letting it grow” I explain. “Cant afford to get it cut” Mike jokes before letting out a sharp laugh that he seems embarrassed slipped out. “Yea exactly” I say participatingly, laughing along. “It’s ok mate” he says with a sudden dire change of tone. “It’s…ok…” he repeats, now unable to look me in the eye. I look at him reviewing what he had just said and detecting the sympathy in his voice. He looks at me, in the same way you would look at a wide eyed puppy born with a missing leg, hopping around playing with a ball.
He walks away, leaving me standing there more confused than a tea biscuit next to a cup of coffee. Hang on!! I think, did Mike think I was being serious!? Does he actually think I can’t afford a haircut!? Does he actually think I have let it grow for over 2 years because I couldn’t afford to let someone take a pair of clippers, scissors, or a weed wacker to it!? Haircuts are like £8, EIGHT POUNDS!!! Hell, I could probably get it cut, washed & dyed electric yellow for £18…or even cheaper if I went to that guy down the road with the gimpy arm!! Maybe he thinks this is why I got this job!! That I have been saving up coppers I find in between sofas and in the washing machine for 2 years trying to raise enough money to get my hair cut. God, I OWN A PAIR OF CLIPPERS!! I COULD CUT MY OWN HAIR!! I COULD CUT HIS HAIR IF I WANTED TO!! I want to hold up my debit card and wave it at him like it was undeniable proof that I have money…like only the cream of the crop can attain a debit card, however the evil forces that be made me forget my wallet at home. Stupid evil forces, probably toasting now with glasses of chocolate flavoured milk and victory cookies, and looking all smug. I look over to where Mike is now standing, only to catch him again looking over at me with pity. Looking at me like I’m walking on the posh side of Bluewater with a ‘Topman’ Sale bag. Like my version of Christmas is going to random building receptions and saying I’ve lost a box that has ‘Lost Property’ written on it!! ‘CUT IT OUT MIKE!!’ I want to say but he’d probably think I was begging him to cut my hair!!
I finish my shift with Bob Marley playing through my earphones, and every so often throwing around my imaginary dreadlocks. I leave and walk to the my bus stop only to find I have no change for the bus. I sigh, because that’s what people do in situations like this……I’m not sure why, if I had my way people would shout out “GOLLY!!”. After a few more sighs I walk to the closest cashpoint, which is about as close as earth is to the sun!! I eventually reach the cashpoint, developing lovely sweat patches on my t-shirt. As i reach into my pocket I then remember I have left my wallet at home. “YOU PLUM!!!” I scream to myself. I turn around and head back getting slightly lost on the way and cursing myself for not leaving a trail of breadcrumbs behind me. I get back to my workplace, at which point my t-shirt is more sweat than cotton. I see my co-worker Steve and rush towards him. “STEVE!!” I say, abstrusely delighted, as though the last time I saw him he was running past with a bomb strapped to his chest. “Do you have two pounds I could borrow?” I plead doing my best puppy dog eyes but probably looking more like a baby walrus. He has a quick fumble in his pocket then hands me a shiny £2 coin. My eyes light up like I had swallowed a glow worm who had swallowed a tiny torch. I’m ecstatic!! “YOU’RE A LIFE SAVER!!” I exclaim, half hugging him before remembering how sweaty I was. HA!! TAKE THAT EVIL FORCES!! TRYING TO MAKE ME WALK HOME!!! NO CELEBRATION COOKIES FOR YOU TODAY!! GO BACK TO THE EVIL PITS OF WHICH YOU EMERGED FROM!! GO FORTH AND TELL YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER THAT YOU FAILED AT LIFE TODAY!! TELL YOUR CHILDREN THAT THEIR FATHER IS ON THE VERGE OF REDUNDANCY!!! TELL YOUR NEIGHBOURS THAT YOU DO NOT EXHIBIT THE QUALITIES OF THOSE IN YOUR NEIGHBOURHOOD!!! AND SLEEP UPON THE BATHROOM FLOOR FOR BEDS ARE ONLY FOR THE DESERVING!!!  Still jubilant and full of smiles I lower the £2 coin from the air. Somewhere during my excitement I had raised it to the sky and hailed it as my king. I thank Steve and turn to leave only to see Mike standing behind me, looking at the coin. He flashes me a proud smile, almost teary eyed and pats me on the back as if to say ‘You hang on in there mate, things will get better’. I acknowledge his non-verbalised encouragement with a hesitant nod and walk off. GOLLY!!

Tuesday, 18 October 2011

You Got A Friend In Me

My friend Joey got me Woody for my 25th and Buzz for my 26th. Thankfully Buzz didn’t venture out on a bus trip to Woolwich all by himself like The Sheriff did…but I guess when you have a badge you can do whatever you want. Thanks Joey :)

Buzz & Woody

Monday, 17 October 2011


So I’m with my friend Steph who has nice hair, I know this because I have seen it. We are in Bluewater waiting to see a film but have 20 minutes before it starts so we sit down and have a little chatter…and by ‘chatter’ I mean I stare at her glorious hair……look at how it moves, so graceful, so full of life, unlike some other ladies hairs who’s movement is as half-assed as the naming of the Milkybar…seriously what makes the milk deserve such accolade over the other ingredients!? …I snap out of my gaze to find Steph laughing. I must have said something funny, it happens once in a while. I laugh along, hoping I didn’t have a leaf in my hair or something. I notice Steph’s boobs bounce as she laughs, I suddenly realise that I want a milkshake. Moments later we are McDonald’s……we walked there……just in case you were thinking we snapped our fingers and POOFed our way there like a pair of wizards. I look at Steph, she returns the look. She already knows what I’m getting but I want to say it anyway. “Naanaa!!” I proclaim, probably a little too loudly. You see, I am quite fond of bananas and banana flavoured items, but even more fond of calling it ‘Naanaa’. Steph gives me the ‘you just couldn’t resist could you’ look. “I called it that too..” she says “…when I was LITTLE!!”. I think she is trying to make a point but I just can’t make it out. “I should say it when I order” I joke, smiling gleefully. I have always wanted to but never had the courage, I mean, what if they look at me like I’m……y’know……special! “Yea you SO should” Steph says encouragingly. I look at her and see the seriousness in her eyes. She actually wants me to say it!! She wants them to look at me like I’m……y’know……special!

“I can’t, I’m scared” I confess to her. She remains silent but I still feel her insistent eyes. I WONT DO IT YOU HEAR ME!!! THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO OR SAY TO MAKE CHANGE MY MIND!! I think to myself. But then Steph flicks her hair………………… “Ok the only way I’ll do this is if I say it totally casually with a dead straight face, like saying naanaa is the most natural thing in the world”. She looks at me confused. I then realise she probably wasn’t as insistent as I thought she was, and that I had lulled myself into a situation because of self-induced pressure!! A member of staff logs onto an available till and calls us over. God what have I got myself into!! This is awful!! I can’t say this!! Can I just not say it!? I catch a quick glance of Steph, she is full of expectancy. THIS IS TORTURE!! ACTUAL TORTURE!! LIKE TELLING YOUR TOILET YOU’RE GOING OUT FOR A MEAL AT AN INDIAN RESTAURANT!! “Can I help?” the lady says with the joyfulness that is often lost in McDonald staff. I take a deep breath and get into the zone, there is no turning back now, ITS DO OR DIE!! “Hi” I say “…can I have a naanaa milkshake please?”. The lady reaches to press a button on her screen but then stops… “a what!?” she asks puzzled. God she’s gonna make me say it again!? I hear Steph snicker beside me. “A naanaa” I say, less confidently this time. “Banana!” she says, tapping it into her till. Steph’s boobs are bouncing and her hair is gliding, she is close to tears!! As we leave McDonalds I turn back and catch the lady looking at me, like I’m……y’know……special


(Audio clip below)

Wednesday, 5 October 2011


Some might say I have an addiction, I say “sorry can you repeat that, I was too busy eating this pizza”