Monday, 5 September 2011

Pecan You Keep Those Away, Cashew Not See I’m Allergic??

I look at my target. There it lays, deep within the fiery constraints of the……erm, fire. Oh I see you there……looking all unattainable…guarded by your foul breathed dragon, cushioned by the unstable rotting wooden bridge between us. Oh yes, you’re good. I’m impressed, like when women take off their bra’s without taking off their tops, or when I Google voice search ‘Scarlett Johansson’ and it searches for ‘Scarlett’s old grandson’ which is close enough for me. I hope you’re thirsty cause I got you a round of applause, bravo. “Excuse me” says the shopping centre cleaner who’s path I am currently obstructing. I step to the side and let him pass on his ‘floor cleaning doo-daa’ (#TechnicalTerm)…not once taking my eyes off the target. There before me stands a woman. The world’s most beautiful woman. If you looked up ‘Beautiful’ in a dictionary……wait this is 2011, if you Google image searched ‘Beautiful’ her picture would come up……along with some pictures of pretty butterflies and sarcastically tagged pictures of Lady Gaga. Now, she may not be guarded by a fire breathing dragon but she is indeed guarded. She is in the middle of the shopping centre, surrounded by a C shaped nut stand, displaying a rainbow selection of varied nuts, of different shapes and sizes. These nuts are practically shouting ‘Yes we are nuts but we are just as sexy as those Skittles and Smarties!!’. And to top it off the lady is holding a tray of free samples close to her chest……(which is covered in a ‘The Who’ T-shirt……hence the whole ‘target’ analogy…not just a pretty face my friend). Now if you know me, and let’s face it, you do……after all I’ve probably shoved the link to this post in your face and offered you free back rubs on the promise that you’ll read it……you’d know that I am allergic to nuts. Badly allergic, even writing the word ‘nuts’ makes me itch…it has absolutely nothing to do with me not bathing for 3 days. I look at her and all I see is a giant padlock with breasts. She stands there with her assembly of nuts, acting like bouncers to a club called 'Bow Chicka Wow Wow’ that sells cocktails like ‘Sex on the beach’ and ‘Slippery Nipples’ but wont let me in. I can’t even get close, I’d stand no chance against that army of nuts, armed with swords and guns and the ability to conjure up more combined power than any ‘Care Bear’ collective or group of Planeteers!!! But like a moth I have seen the light, an idea has hit me like a school bully. I know what needs to be done.

A monologue starts to form in my head. I check my reflection in my phone, run a comb through my hair and orally abuse a stick of gum. I am ready, like when the red spot disappears on a Tefal pan……no? ok I got a better one……I’m ready, like my waters has broken. I take a deep breath and hold it tightly, as if I had stolen it from a museum. I quickly walk up to her revising my rehearsed dialogue in my head. She sees me approaching, smiles, and thrusts the tray of sample nuts in my face. OH NO!! BACK EVIL MINIONS!!! The nuts look at me seductively. ‘You know you want us’ I hear them say, ‘You think that men’s magazine is successful because of the topless models and witty articles? Think again’ they continue. The girl looks confused by the terrified face I’m making. “Want to try one?” she asks, in a voice more heavenly than a harp symphony played by virgin doves. She further extends the tray to me while one of the nuts winks and slaps its ass. I take a step back. ‘Here goes’ I say to myself…then have a little giggle as I envision a bald guy crying……WHAT D’YOU MEAN I CAN’T GIGGLE!!? MEN CAN GIGGLE!! DON’T BE SEXIST!! “Ok so here’s the deal…” I start. “…I’m afraid I’m going to have to be very direct with you, I saw you and I know I would have kicked myself all day if I didn’t say hi to you, so hi, my names Daniel…or you can call me Afro…and you arreee?”. “Lindsey” she replies, very dubiously. “Lindsey, nice to meet you, I would have loved to have a proper conversation instead of being so brief and forward but I gotta go because I am extremely allergic to nuts and as beautiful as you are, I’d rather not die in front of you…… but, could I maybe get your number?”. I see a cashew start laughing while a walnut face palms. Lindsey examines the levity of my behaviour. I feel like a game show host waiting for an answer ‘I’m gonna have to rush you’ I want to say, as I feel the scent of peanut invading my nostrils. She continues to stand there with a half smile on her face. “How many guys would literally risk their lives for your number hmm” I say jokingly, but then realising I am somewhat of a hero. “You’re very sweet but…” she says before removing her left hand from under the tray and revealing a wedding ring that starts singing ‘If you like it then you shoulda put ME on it’. 'How could she go and get married before she met me' I think on the bus ride home."She must be nuts" I whisper, before releasing another very manly giggle.