Sunday, 15 May 2011

The Things a Man Must Do To Serve His Country…Tastefully

chipsSo I’m spending time at my mum’s house and hunger hits me like I had an affair with his wife……stupid hunger, he’s just feeling self conscious about his manhood coz I took his wife out for dinner and afterward she couldn’t feel him…(see what I did there :D I’m well smart, I got a C+ for GCSE English, that’s right, C PLUS!!) Anyway, I’m hungry, and what with all my mum’s royal wedding decorations still around the house, I decide to do my country proud and indulge in some good ol’ fashion fish and chips. Without haste I pop my shoes on and do a running giant leap out the front door, as dramatically as possible. Full of enthusiasm and life, NOTHING CAN HOLD ME BACK!!………then I quickly run back inside and grab my wallet………BUT I LEAP OUT AGAIN!! STILL WITH ENTHUSIASM…AND LIFE!! MY ARMS HELD OUT LIKE AN EAGLE!! WITH WIND BENEATH MY WINGS!!!………then I sigh and run back in once more for my phone……THEN!!!..after checking I had everything…I RUN TO THE DOOR FULL OF ENTHUSIASM AND LIFE!!! and walk out, slightly out of breath, as the neighbours look on with worry in their eyes. As I walk up the hill to the chip shop I get a text from my brother asking me to bring him back something to eat. I text back ‘Is it possible to have bad breath if you run out of breath?’.

I soon reach the chip shop. I have never been in here before but its called ‘Fish n Chips’ so I assume they sell what I require. I order two lots of fish and chips to a man who I presume works there because he was on the other side of the counter…that and he said “Hi, what can I get you?”. He fiddles about, doing what he needs to do, I didn’t pay attention but I gather its the usual routine, casting a line in the fish tank while throwing some potatoes in the air and samurai slicing them into chip shapes before they fall into the fryer. Standard fish and chips practice. “You live around here?” the man asks. “No, just in the area visiting my mum” I reply as I hand him the money. He whacks the first load of chips on the wrapping paper. “Any salt or vinegar?” he asks. I consider his question for a few seconds……then come to the conclusion that seeing as I always have salt and vinegar I should probably say yes. I throw a thumbs-up at him…then say “Yes both please” in case he thinks I’m trying to hitchhike a ride somewhere. He sprinkles some salt and splashes some vinegar……on my chips……not around his shop……then throws in some cod and quickly wraps it up like someone getting evil looks coz they’re taking too long with an acceptance speech. Then the man, who I shall call Yuseff, coz despite his good fishing skills he’s far from “The Man”…whacks a second lot of chips on the wrapping paper but immediately throws in the cod and begins wrapping. “Salt and vinegar please” I say quickly. “No salt or vinegar” he says nodding his head, obviously agreeing to what he thinks I had said. “No no, salt and pepper” I say correctingly……GRRR GO AWAY SPELL CHECK!! I KNOW ITS NOT A PROPER WORD BUT THEY UNDERSTAND WHAT I MEAN!!……right guys!?……………guys?………PFFF WHATEVER!! WHERE’S YOUR C+ HUH!!? “yes, no salt or vinegar” Yuseff replies. “No, can I HAVE salt and vinegar!!” I say firmly. “No salt or vinegar” he says again. Hang on a second……is he trying to say there IS NO salt or vinegar!? Because clearly there is, and unless I am hallucinating right now, its still right there in front of me on the counter top!! Maybe I’m misunderstanding here, so I try again. “I’m sorry, can I get salt and vinegar on these chips too!!” I say as clearly as I can. “NO SALT NO VINEGAR!!” he yells back.

Whoa!! What’s going on here?? Is he being serious!? Is this a joke?? Am I not understanding his joke??……it doesn’t appear to be a funny joke!! My stomach is practically poking out my belly button, holding a kidney and shouting ‘EAT SOMETHING NOW OR I’M EATING YOU!!!’ and here’s some guy messing around with my food!! “There’s no salt or vinegar” he says again. “What do you mean!! you just put some on the other chips!! Its right there!!” I say pointing to the salt shaker and the more than half-full bottle of vinegar. I reach out to grab the salt but Yuseff grabs it first along with the vinegar and puts them both behind the counter. WHAT THE HELL!!? what’s going on here!? Am I missing something?? Is this how the chip trade operates now!? One sprinkle of salt per customer!!? He can’t be serious?? I look over at his serious face……“You live around here??” he asks again. SERIOUSLY!!!? ARE YOU FREAKIN KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW!! “WHAT’S THE PROBLEM, JUST PUT SOME SALT AND VINEGAR ON MY FREAKIN CHIPS!!” I yell. He just stands there unresponsive as I stare at him, slightly concerned I may have wet myself in anger. My belly rumbles angrily too. I’M NOT HAVING THIS!! ALL I WANT IS SOME BLOODY CHIPS WITH A DASH OF SALT AND A SPLOSH OF VINEGAR!!! CAN’T A MAN DO RIGHT BY HIS COUNTRY…AND HIS BELLY!! I BET PRINCE WILLIAM ISN’T HAVING THIS PROBLEM, I BET HE’S EATING A HEARTY MEAL OF FISH AND CHIPS WITH THE MISSUS!! I BET HE HAS A ROYAL GUARD HOLDING EXTRA SACHETS OF SALT AND VINEGAR JUST IN CASE!! AND HERE I AM, POSSIBLY WITH SOILED UNDERWEAR, GETTING DENIED FREAKIN SALT AND FREAKIN VINEGAR!!!! “LISTEN IM NOT LEAVING WITHOUT SALTY CHIPS!!!” I proclaim, quite stunned at the situation, but more so that I had shouted out ‘salty chips’. I return home with a pizza, I’m sooooo telling my mum Annoyed

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