Saturday, 28 May 2011

Scratch My Back and I’ll…..Probably Freak Out

So I’m on my way to work, walking at a pace that will most likely make me late but enables a lovely bounce to my afro, because after all what good is hair if it doesn't bounce when you walk. I see a newsagent and decide gum must be purchased because my breath is less than pleasant…and by ‘less than pleasant’ I mean foul enough to make a baby bird cry. Oh little gum, sitting there on your shelf, minding your own business, in all your spearminty glory, totally unaware that today…is the day…that I shall pick you up…AND PURCHASE YOU!!! OUR EYES WILL MEET AND I’LL SMILE. I WILL POINT AT YOU, AND SAY “THAT ONE”, LIKE I’M ADOPTING A PUPPY FROM THE SHELTER. IT WILL BE GLORIOUS, AND WE SHALL TELL OUR KIDS THIS STORY……I then realise I have gone into a strange daydream and have walked past the shop (Note to self: Do not tell anyone about this strange daydream, people will think you’re weird). I take out my surf board and surf back to the shop……what!?……Why are you looking at me like that!?………OK FINE, I WALKED!! I’m trying to make this sound exciting here!! I WALKED back to the shop, picked up the gum that, like Halifax, promised to give me extra, and delicately put it on the counter. I then start fingering my jean pocket until it oozes out a pound coin, and place it next to the gum. The shop…erm……assistant? I dunno, what do you call a newsagent worker? The shoptician? shoptographer? shopodontist? shopsmith? Lets just call him the News Agent…hahahaha………sorry, gimme a sec…hahaha……ok ok I’m good…PFFFAHAHAHAHA NEWS AGENT!!! HAHAHAH………ok I’m done…please continue……oh sorry it was ME telling the story wasn't it……

…so the news agent looks at the items on the counter, then up at me, then back at the items. “Hello” he says gently. Hmmm he didn’t strike me as a Lionel Ritchie fan. “You work at the Nando’s yes??” he enquires with a flare of familiarity. “Yes, hey” I reply in a way that suggested I remembered him out of the hundreds I serve from week to week. He smiles. I smile back. He smiles more. I stop smiling. He keeps looking at me joyfully, as if reminiscing on some interaction we have previously engaged in. Like we had spent a romantic weekend in Paris or something. Had we? I’ve only been to France once, when I went Disneyland, but I’m almost positive he wasn’t there. Anyhow, this was getting a little uncomfortable so I push the pound further towards him and say “Just the gum please”. He picks up the pound and hands it back to me. “It’s ok” he says. “I come, I get the burger”. “oh……cool” I respond quite bedazzled. What does that mean, I wonder as I take my money back. Had I just agreed to something?? I don’t understand, I feel like a child who has sat on a radio when playing musical chairs. I look back at the news agent to see if his face revealed any more information to what had just happened. It didn’t. It simply offered a now slightly sinister smile, so I took the gum, thanked him and surfed out. A couple hours later I am at work serving a woman who is so beautiful I just want to frame her and hang her on my wall…………hang her like a photograph……not like a Victorian death sentence……that would be a strange thing to do to a woman you consider beautiful…plant some drugs on her and hang her on your wall like a mounted moose head. OUT OF NOWHERE in bursts the news agent……well I say out of nowhere but in hindsight he probably came from outside. As he walks in he spots me. I start to panic!! OH CRAP, what is he expecting!? Does he think I’m gonna give him a free burger!? Cause I can’t!! They’re £5.50!! and it’ll have to come from MY pocket…the money…not the burger…what kinda restaurant do you think this is!! A free pack of gum is not worth £5.50!! I could get 11 packs of gum with that money!! Maybe he is expecting another romantic trip to Paris!!………wait, did I just say ‘another’? I can’t go on a trip with this man!! He might touch me!! He might make me a candle lit dinner!! He might want to adopt a French speaking African kid!! AND I CAN’T SPEAK FRENCH!!! WHAT IS HE AFTER!!! I hate not knowing!! almost as much as I hate not knowing who Dr.Who is, he’s clearly the mid-section of a knock knock joke!! HATE IT!! Or like Samsung products!! its like some private joke that they just wont tell me, WHAT DID SAM SING!!!!????

The agent gets closer. ‘I CAN’T GIVE YOU A FREE BURGER!!’ I want to call out, but as though I had no reception, I couldn’t. I can’t give out free stuff, It’s stealing!! I’m a good guy, I ALWAYS stop eating when ‘Save The Children’ adverts come on, and I wait a WHOLE 30 seconds while the guilt wears off before I continue!! “Hello” he says ambiguously. “Hey” I reply as Lionel plays in my head. “I get the burger” he says. Oh God, how do I tell him I can’t give him a free burger!? He might make a scene! He might ask for his gum back!! He might say I stole the gum from his shop!! HE MIGHT TELL PEOPLE WE WENT ON A ROMANTIC WEEKEND TO DISNEYLAND!!! I then remember he wasn’t actually at Disneyland………although Minnie Mouse did have a similar voice hmmm. I look at him, studying his face like I had an exam on it coming up. We stand there looking at each other like two cowboys duelling, while tumbleweed drifts past us. I didn't even want free gum, I was perfectly happy paying for it!! Now I have to give him a free burger!?? …worth £5.50… or £6.75 if he wants a side!! He then makes a move, reaching into his pocket without breaking eye contact. Oh God!! What is he getting!! Money?? A TAPE WITH CCTV FOOTAGE OF ME WALKING OUT HIS SHOP WITHOUT PAYING!!?? TWO FIRST CLASS TICKETS TO FRANCE, WITH A HOTEL ROOM RESERVATION WITH ONE DOUBLE BED, AND A PICTURE OF KOJO, OUR SOON-TO-BE-FOSTERED CHILD!!!!?? A £10 note is placed on the counter. I smile. He smiles back. I smile some more. He stops smiling.

1 comment:

BLahblah Abi said...

too funny Dan! must be fun in your lil afro head, everything seems more dramatic than real life...I like :) x