Tuesday, 4 January 2011

La di dum dum shooby shooby

So I’m at work……yes again, I know!! Apparently it’s not just a one time thing, but they don't tell you that at the interview!! Anyway I’m there polishing cutlery, in a cutlery polishing machine because for some reason using your t-shirt is frowned upon. I have a tune in my head and I’ll be damned if I let the negative comments about my singing voice deter me from belting it out. Everyone told Wagner he couldn’t sing and look at him now……WHAT DO YOU MEAN HE DIDNT WIN!!! Anyway I wanna sing, so like a forceful fart in a man made of paper mache I let it rip. “When I see your faaace, There’s not a thing that I would change, Cause you’re amazing, Just the way you are!!” I hear a glass break and shatter. “That’s a bit dramatic” I whisper to myself. “My singing’s not THAT bad”. Then another glass smashes so I shut up in case the building collapses on top of me………BUT NO!! This tune needs to be sung, and so I continue. “And when you smiiiiiile, The whole world stops and stares for a while, Cause you’re amazing, Just the way you are!!”. Suddenly I find myself lost for words like I had become really bad at word searches. Erm……damn, what’s the words!? As I try to recall them I throw some knives into the machine, feeling a little guilty because machines have feelings too. I still cant find the words despite all the training I’ve had playing hide n Seek as a kid. The tune is still buzzing around in my head like a bee had got lost in my afro, so I do what everyone does when they forget the words to songs. I repeat the chorus. “When I see your faaaaace…”. All of a sudden a colleague squashes himself into the walk-in cupboard where the cutlery machine is located……hmmm maybe I shouldn’t have said that, cutlery polishing machines are in high demand amongst thieves these days. Anyway this dude comes in and to save any potential repercussions let’s just call him Joel…CRAP!! I MEAN NOEL!! HIS NAME IS NOEL!! ACTUALLY IT’S NOT EVEN THAT…IT’S CLINT!!! HIS NAME IS CLINT!!! I DON’T KNOW WHY IM SHOUTING IN THIS HIGH PITCH, IM NOT LYING!! IT’S CLINT!!!…………So anyway Joe--lint comes in and upon hearing my beautiful voice decides to sing a tune of his own. “Our house!! In the middle of our street, Our House…” he unleashes with a boastful presence. BUT NO!! I think to myself. I was here first, this cupboard is mine to fill with harmonious melodies. Sure last time I sang happy birthday for my little cousin he launched himself head first into his cake, but despite what my uncle said it WASN’T MY FAULT!!

I complete my chorus at a raised level ensuring my voice is heard above Clint and the pack of crying dogs outside. I come to the end of my chorus but Clint is still going strong!! Singing with conviction and plausibility, I start to think that maybe his house really IS in the middle of his street!! But no, I cant stand here and admire my competition, this is my turf!! I turn to a wall to pee on it and mark my territory but then decide against it!! Dammit this is WAR!! I hold up a knife like it’s a worrier’s sword and clasp a spoon tightly, for a worrier is only as strong as his shield……well something like that, I need to watch ‘300’ again. I clear my throat, take a deep breath, and……………NOTHING!!………I still cant remember the bloody words!! I cant sing the chorus again, he’ll know I’ve forgotten the words. You can’t show weakness in front of thy enemy. Man, I haven’t had this much trouble remembering words since I forgot those excessively difficult spells and got kicked out of Hogwarts. Then something comes to me……”her eyes, her eyes…” then nothing. WHAT COMES NEXT!!! This is even worse, I’ve started a verse!! There is no turning back now!! That’s like James Cameron saying “I know I’ve spent millions of your money but I’ve forgotten the plot to ‘Avatar’ so I'm not gonna make it after all……err, sorry”. Clint is still singing, I have to do SOMETHING!! and so I take another deep breath, I know what needs to be done. Something brave. Something heroic. Something EPIC!! …despite these positive adjectives I sadly and quietly proceed to hum the rest of my song

1 comment:

imjoey said...

You beat me, but I'm glad. This is a wonderously funny comeback post! I can see it all happening in real life!
You just carry on singing!