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Thursday, 20 January 2011
So I’m standing at a bus stop listening to ‘Glee’ songs and nodding my head softly like one of those nodding dog toys you see in car back windows. I seem to be miming the words too, against my will. Every time I realise and force myself to stop its like someone shows me a picture of my little brother tied to a gas tank with an unlit match in his mouth and whispers in my ear “start miming”, and there I am mouthing the words again!!……Mouthing the words!? hmm that sounds rather dirty. Anyway, so I’m expecting my bus at any minute when a small old lady approaches me. She seems to want to say something. Oh no, I haven't been singing out loud have I? She’s probably gonna tell me how she turned off her hearing aid and can still hear my sinfully bad singing. I give her eye contact to show her I’m aware she is there……and when I say eye contact I don't mean I poked her in the eye, I mean I looked her in the eye……oh you knew that already!? ok, well just making sure……I don't want you thinking I’m the type to poke everyone in the eye trying to establish eye contact!!……poking everyone in the eye!? hmm that sounds rather dirty. Anyway, the old lady reaches out and tugs on my arm as if she still needed to get my attention. I take out my earphones and say “hey” as if she was an old friend from college who just happened to age twice as fast as me and had developed a love for knitted cardigans. “Can you help me?” she asks in a low stumbly voice. ‘It depends what you want help with’ is what I want to say. I mean could you imagine I said ‘Of course, how may I help’ and she says ‘I need someone to scrub that bit of my back just above my butt cheeks, my arm doesn't bend that way anymore’. “Yea” I reply hesitantly wondering if she would take offence to me scrubbing her back in one of those yellow, anti-contamination suits. “Can you help me cross the road?”. ‘Cross the road!??………awww’ I think to myself. I didn't actually think this was a real thing!! I didn't think old ladies actually ask people to help them across the road. I thought it was something young guys do to feel better about stealing their grandmothers credit cards when they were younger!!
Here is my chance to do something good for someone. So now when I say “I do good things all the time” I have at least one thing to back it up with. “Of course” I say with a smile. “I’m slightly blind you see” she says, and I hadn’t……seen, which I found rather ironic. Great, this is even better!! I’m gonna help an old lady across the road PLUS SHES BLIND!!! I’m gonna get major karma points for this!! Now, how do I go about this? Do I sling her over my back like a caveman fuelled with testosterone or lock elbows and skip down the road like the kids on ‘Little House On The Prairie’. But with a hint of impatience she grabs my hand and walks on, dragging me with her. Well this feels slightly uncomfortable I think to myself. Her hands are insanely soft, I feel like I’m holing a ragdolls hand, that has been soaked in fabric softener and washed in a washing machine made of feathers!! I grasp it a little tighter but then ease off immediately as I catch our reflection in a car. We reach the side of the road and as I step into it to cross over the old lady pulls me back and yells “WAIT” in a rather hostile tone………“ok………sorry” I say quickly, completely baffled by the outburst. I look up and down the road, nothing. I try again and step into the road. “WAIT!!” She shouts again. “Yes ma’am”………MA’AM!? Since when do I say MA’AM!! I look up and down the road again, it’s still unbelievably clear, like the faces of people in ‘Clearasil’ adverts. “It’s clear Mrs” Mrs!? What am I back at school now!? She remains still, scrutinising the road like a speed camera who is trying to get promoted. “Shall we go?” I ask, as if I was the one who needed help across the road. She mumbles something and starts dragging me into the road. As we reach halfway I realise she is swinging her arms…no……she is swinging OUR ARMS!!
Man this looks bad!! We look like one of them old couples you see and think ‘awww how cute are they, so clearly in love after all these years’. Why would she swing our arms!! Its not like she is Jennifer Lopez walking down a catwalk, using her arms to swing extra UMPH into her walking!! She doesn't need to put her hips into anything, she doesn't have a big bottom to maneuver!! ………For reasons unknown to me I actually turn around and check this was actually the case……it was……she didn’t have a big bottom. I cringe at the thought of what I had done. We reach the other side of the road and she turns to me and says “You must always look both ways before you cross the road, ok?”. As if this was my first time crossing a road!! “Er……yes Mrs” I reply. She reaches into her pocket, hands me 50p, and does one of those ‘Don’t spend it all at once’ winks……at least I think it was a wink. She is very old, It may have just been a twitch. I feel very proud of my accomplishment. I had helped a slightly blind, old lady across the road, and even earned 50p!! I could make a living out of this!! Walking old ladies across roads, I bet there is a large market for that!! As I stand there admiring my 50p the old lady asks where she can catch the 96 bus to Bluewater from. I walk her back across the road to my bus stop.
Tuesday, 4 January 2011
So I’m at work……yes again, I know!! Apparently it’s not just a one time thing, but they don't tell you that at the interview!! Anyway I’m there polishing cutlery, in a cutlery polishing machine because for some reason using your t-shirt is frowned upon. I have a tune in my head and I’ll be damned if I let the negative comments about my singing voice deter me from belting it out. Everyone told Wagner he couldn’t sing and look at him now……WHAT DO YOU MEAN HE DIDNT WIN!!! Anyway I wanna sing, so like a forceful fart in a man made of paper mache I let it rip. “When I see your faaace, There’s not a thing that I would change, Cause you’re amazing, Just the way you are!!” I hear a glass break and shatter. “That’s a bit dramatic” I whisper to myself. “My singing’s not THAT bad”. Then another glass smashes so I shut up in case the building collapses on top of me………BUT NO!! This tune needs to be sung, and so I continue. “And when you smiiiiiile, The whole world stops and stares for a while, Cause you’re amazing, Just the way you are!!”. Suddenly I find myself lost for words like I had become really bad at word searches. Erm……damn, what’s the words!? As I try to recall them I throw some knives into the machine, feeling a little guilty because machines have feelings too. I still cant find the words despite all the training I’ve had playing hide n Seek as a kid. The tune is still buzzing around in my head like a bee had got lost in my afro, so I do what everyone does when they forget the words to songs. I repeat the chorus. “When I see your faaaaace…”. All of a sudden a colleague squashes himself into the walk-in cupboard where the cutlery machine is located……hmmm maybe I shouldn’t have said that, cutlery polishing machines are in high demand amongst thieves these days. Anyway this dude comes in and to save any potential repercussions let’s just call him Joel…CRAP!! I MEAN NOEL!! HIS NAME IS NOEL!! ACTUALLY IT’S NOT EVEN THAT…IT’S CLINT!!! HIS NAME IS CLINT!!! I DON’T KNOW WHY IM SHOUTING IN THIS HIGH PITCH, IM NOT LYING!! IT’S CLINT!!!…………So anyway Joe--lint comes in and upon hearing my beautiful voice decides to sing a tune of his own. “Our house!! In the middle of our street, Our House…” he unleashes with a boastful presence. BUT NO!! I think to myself. I was here first, this cupboard is mine to fill with harmonious melodies. Sure last time I sang happy birthday for my little cousin he launched himself head first into his cake, but despite what my uncle said it WASN’T MY FAULT!!
I complete my chorus at a raised level ensuring my voice is heard above Clint and the pack of crying dogs outside. I come to the end of my chorus but Clint is still going strong!! Singing with conviction and plausibility, I start to think that maybe his house really IS in the middle of his street!! But no, I cant stand here and admire my competition, this is my turf!! I turn to a wall to pee on it and mark my territory but then decide against it!! Dammit this is WAR!! I hold up a knife like it’s a worrier’s sword and clasp a spoon tightly, for a worrier is only as strong as his shield……well something like that, I need to watch ‘300’ again. I clear my throat, take a deep breath, and……………NOTHING!!………I still cant remember the bloody words!! I cant sing the chorus again, he’ll know I’ve forgotten the words. You can’t show weakness in front of thy enemy. Man, I haven’t had this much trouble remembering words since I forgot those excessively difficult spells and got kicked out of Hogwarts. Then something comes to me……”her eyes, her eyes…” then nothing. WHAT COMES NEXT!!! This is even worse, I’ve started a verse!! There is no turning back now!! That’s like James Cameron saying “I know I’ve spent millions of your money but I’ve forgotten the plot to ‘Avatar’ so I'm not gonna make it after all……err, sorry”. Clint is still singing, I have to do SOMETHING!! and so I take another deep breath, I know what needs to be done. Something brave. Something heroic. Something EPIC!! …despite these positive adjectives I sadly and quietly proceed to hum the rest of my song