Tuesday, 2 November 2010
So recently a customer asked to touch my afro. Now this isn’t a rare occurrence. People ask this all the time, like I’ve cellotaped an iPod Touch to the top of my head or something. But this time, Alisa, a friend from work………you know Alisa don’t you?………no?……ok, nevermind………she’s a friend from work……no you cant have her number!! Anyway, she said I should write a blog about it. Now that particular time was fairly uneventful but it did remind me of another time when my hair was caressed like a borrowed Barbie doll by a 10 year old boy who has just seen a tape labelled ‘Boring Stuff’ that his dad keeps hidden away under his bed……man that was a long sentence!! So have a seat on my lap as I tell you the story of when……actually erm, can you get off my lap………it just feels a little weird……y’know you’re far too old to be sitting on my lap like that……its just a bit inappropriate……thanks……appreciate it……ok, so…
…There I am sitting in Starbucks as I try to drive a steak through the heart of ‘Procrastination’ and actually finish writing a blog……hang on, that’s not right! ‘Drive a steak through!!?’ I meant ‘stake’ hahaha, silly me, can you imagine me with a slab of beef waving it around like a fleeting vegetarian who has relapsed and is celebrating his return to meat in a somewhat psychotic manner. Anyway I’m rambling. I’m in Starbucks trying to write when a beastly man approaches me, I’m talking a baby elephant on steroids!! He literally blocked out the sun!! Either that or the sun briefly disappeared behind some clouds but dammit I’m trying to make a point here. The dude was HUGE!! My face of concentration soon changes to a face of fear. What had I done to attract the attention of this roman gladiator…again, I’m not being literal, he didn't have a spear & shield or one of those helmets with a brush on top. However he did have biceps the size of rugby balls and abs carved from granite……I couldn’t actually see any abs but I could not imagine him with anything less than a 10 pack!! It probably looks like the bottom side of a really large ice cube tray!! “Hey my daughter really wants to touch your hair” the man says in a deep ruffled voice. My eyes dart around and there behold, emerges the smallest girl from behind the man. “Yea sure” I timidly reply. I lean forward and nestle my afro into her advancing hand where she proceeds to give it a feel. Well what a relief, I think to myself. Just another girl who wants to feel my hair. But then things change on the account of the following sentence. “Dad its so soft, feel it!!”.
My eyes widen and there is a loud thud as my jaw hits the table. Surely he’s not gonna… “D’you mind mate?” DAMMIT!! I DO mind I feel a tear developing in my eye. It’ll be like getting a head massage from King Kong!! I don't trust him, what if he rips a chunk out!! ‘Afro Dan the bald patch man’ just doesn't have the same ring to it!! But how do I tell him no? He’s like a sleeping giant and I certainly do not want to be his alarm clock!! I man-up and boldly say “Go for it mate”, and boy does he!! His hand is so big I’m pretty sure his thumb and middle finger was touching both of my ears. ‘Just a little longer’ I keep telling myself, but it was a lie. He kept his hand there!! How long does it take to feel my hair!! Was he just resting there using my head as a leaning post!? I’m in freaking Starbucks, where there are loads of freaking people around looking as I get leaned on by the freaking Incredible Hulk!! This looks so wrong, hell, this IS so wrong, this is like half the pages in my GCSE maths book!! But how do I get him off!? What’s the safety word those S&M enthusiasts use!!? I shuffle about in attempts to loosen the grip but to no avail…….and so I just sit there as my afro is violated, and continue to write. Hmm thinking back, I should have offered him Alisa’s number……you know Alisa don’t you?……no?……alright!! keep your hair on!!