Wednesday, 9 June 2010

If You Cant Take The Heat, Get Out The Kitchen

So I’m at work on one of the hottest days EVER, where the sun is screaming “LOOK AT ME!! LOOK AT ME!! HEY, IM TALKING TO YOU!!” and throwing rays of light at everyone. Its angry, red hot angry……red like these new shorts I'm wearing……you can’t see them!?……wait……how bout now??………no!? that’s odd……Anyway, not only am I NOT on the beach, playing a game I like to call ‘How long can you look directly at the sun before you go blind’, but I’m also at work, in a restaurant, where chicken is being grilled at such ridiculous temperatures I swear I heard one of them ask for RSPCA’s number!! And where am I? At the tills, right next to the grills!! Needless to say I am TENDERLY ROASTING LIKE I WAS A GUEST AT A CANNIBAL FAMILY’S CHRISTMAS DINNER PARTY!! My armpits are like Niagara Falls and you could practically surf down my back with the amount of sweat it’s producing. I look up at the ceiling. WHERE THE HELL IS THAT AIR CON!? I think to myself. Its like it had thought “Screw this, I aint sticking around here to keep you fools cool, I’m off to the beach” and hitchhiked its way to Brighton. WELL SCREW YOU AIR CON!! YOUR AS USELESS AS A THIEF IN THE DESERT!!! I tell the customer to enjoy their meal even though chances are they’ll have melted before their meals arrive.  At the front of the queue is an extremely hot Asian chick in a low top, shorts and flip-flops. ‘Hot’ in an attractive way mind you, although she must be hot too………hmm, she doesn't look affected by the sun……maybe being hot and feeling hot at the same time counteracts the affects of the heat. She’s insanely attractive, in fact, suspiciously so. Maybe she’s a robot!! IT TOTALLY MAKES SENSE, ROBOTS DON’T SWEAT!! I quickly scan her body for a Google logo. I see none, but I make a mental note to listen out in case she orders a glass of oil. My mouth is so dry, I look over to the right where my glass of ice-cold Sprite stands beneath the counter. Its shouting “Come with me if you want to live!!” in its best Arnold Schwarzenegger voice. I decide that I DO INDEED ‘WANT TO LIVE’. I look back at the girl, I have enough time to grab a sip before she notices I’m free. However, before I have time to move she leaps forward in a movement that before I thought only kangaroos could perform and she starts blasting “1/2 Chicken” THIS, and “Peri-Peri” THAT at me. I’ve missed my chance so I decide to be the most charming dehydrated, perspiring person I can be. I interrupt her and ask for her table number. She says a number but it doesn’t quite register as I’m too busy looking at her br……her!! I enter a number which didn’t serve me well in the work lottery but I’m sure will be this lady’s temporary place of residence. As she lists order after order I cant help but glance at the glass of Sprite. If I stumbled on a magic lamp and a genie that sounded a lot like Robin Williams granted me 3 wishes, believe me, I wouldn’t be asking for world peace or a cure for cancer or anything silly thing like that. I’d ask for a flooding wave of ice-cold Sprite that would burst through the doors of the restaurant and drown me in bubblerific, refreshingness!!

She finishes her order and smiles at me with a look that says “I’m so pleased with myself right now, I totally remembered what everyone wanted when usually I cant even remember what channel ‘Lost’ is on when I accidentally sit on the remote’. It was a very specific look!! “How on earth did you remember all of that!?” I say as impressed as I could muster up. She giggles the cutest giggle known to man, I’m talking Guinness book of world records worthy. “I have no idea!!” she says looking even more impressed with herself. We then share a moment. A magical moment right out of a Disney film………but then……ever so slowly……I feel a large bead of sweat trickle down my forehead!!!………CRAP!!! THAT'S NOT MAGICAL!!! I hope she doesn’t notice!! But as my eyes are still locked on her I see the exact moment she sees it. DOUBLE CRAP!! Maybe if I stay dead still it will stop falling, so I try. It doesn't. I suddenly become very aware of how hot it is. The drenched armpits!! The back dripping like a broken valve!! The dry mouth!! As still as I’m being I feel the bead creep further down my face and rest on the bridge of my nose. The smile quickly fades from her face and she hands me £30. I feel like a male prostitute who’s customer has thought ‘Shheesh, you know what, I’ll pass but here’s the money for your time’.

Do I wipe it or not? What if I do and she hadn’t noticed before? What if I wipe it and when I hand her the receipt, the paper has absorbed all the sweat from my hand!! I cant give her a sweaty receipt, DAMN YOU SWEAT BEAD!! LOOK AT YOU!! SITTING THERE ALL SMUG!! YOUR LIKE A KETCHUP STAIN ON A WHITE T-SHIRT!! OR A WET PATCH ON THE CROTCH ON A PAIR OF JEANS!! I hand her the receipt and her change, resisting the urge to quickly slap the sweat bead away. She takes the change but still stands in front of me, staring. ALRIGHT HOT ASIAN ROBOT LADY!! SHOWS OVER!! NOTHING TO SEE HERE!! The nerve of this girl standing watching, waiting to see if it slides down my nose, WHY DON'T YOU GRAB SOME POPCORN AND HAVE A SEAT ON THE COUNTER!! LOOK AT YOU WITH YOUR PERFECTLY DRY SKIN, NOT EVEN A HINT OF MOISTNESS ON THAT FOREHEAD!! WHAT’D YOU DO,SPRAY IT WITH DEODORANT!! “Can I get a glass for my drink” She asks. “Oh, right….sure” I reply and rapidly scramble for a glass from the rack. As she reaches for the glass I see the most unpleasant sweat patch under her armpit. SWEET MARY!! SHE IS HUMAN AFTER ALL!! NEVER HAS THE SIGHT OF A SWEAT PATCH GIVEN ME SUCH A FEELING OF ACCEPTANCE!! I COULD LITERALLY KISS IT!!……I decide that’s probably not the best of ideas. As soon as she leaves I quickly grab a tissue and wipe my forehead dry. I look up and see a queue had formed like Steve Jobs was behind the till giving out free iPad’s. I look over to my right. My glass of Sprite still stands untouched……I’ve got time for a quick sip……but it turns out the hot Asian lady isn't the only one who can perform enormous kangaroo leaps. Sigh.

1 comment:

imjoey said...

All this waiting was worth it! This was brilliant :D An explosion of snazzy words served up with an immensely large bit of humour. Shame, I didn't get a sprite with this though. Still amazing :)
Stop looking at peoples br...'s!