Tuesday, 20 April 2010

Clash Of The Titans (3D) Review

I should start by saying I never wanted to see this film and I never thought I actually would. In fact, I was pretty sure I would sooner watch the Hanna Montana movie, along with all the bonus Blu-ray features before ever setting foot through the Pepsi stained doors labelled “Clash of The Titans 3D”. The only reason I did end up dragging myself (like I was Will Smith AND the alien) to this film was due to my friend Joey’s recommendation and high praise of it. After seeing it I can firmly say I should have went with my gut………well, actually I DID go with my gut, its not like I can leave my stomach at home!! i hated this film sooooo bad I didn't know what to do with myself so I decided to shove a little boy holding a large box of popcorn and shout “MOVE PUNK!!!”…………ok so maybe I accidentally bumped into him, apologised and paid for another box of popcorn, but the hatred was firmly represented by the clenching of my fists!!! This film was so dang boring!!! There was no clashing of the titans!!! it was more the BRUSHING PAST of the titans!! Here is a film that desperately tries to be epic and mindful but instead comes across as an underachieving ‘straight to TV’ sorta film with a big budget. Its like the gunk you find underneath the fridge or at the bottom of your dishwasher. The story is painfully dull like a doctor with a used needle and it holds your attention with butterfingers. Its almost as if it is being told by a very old man who isn't 100% sure of what he’s saying and is merging stories with other stories resulting in a confusing display of uncertain storytelling, unstable characters and dribble……actual dribble, like I said, VERY old. SPOILER ALERT FOR ANYONE WHO CARES!! The Kraken, being the last hope of any type of excitement in this film, is cast away in the most anticlimactic way ever imagined!! Our supposed hero climbs to high grounds with absolutely no fear of this enormous creature, not that we have any emotional investment as to whether he lives or dies, and holds up Medusas head turning the beast into stone. AS THOUGH HE DOES THIS ON A DAILY BASIS!! LIKE HE WAS BRUSHING OFF AN ANNOYING CAT OR SOMETHING!! HE MIGHT AS WELL OF WHIPPED OUT A WAND AND SHOUTED VANISHODIUM!! ABSOLUTE GARBAGE!!

Not only is the film grade A pigeon poop but the 3D is depressingly stale. Once again I was fooled into seeing a film that boasts a weak 3D conversion, done in 10 weeks no less!! A film that had no intensions of being 3D initially, but was translated in the final weeks before its release to cash-in on the extra few quid added to ticket prices for 3D screenings!! ALL FOR A FILM THAT HAS AS MUCH DEPTH AS A SOUTH PARK EPISODE!!! I wont say it is worse than Alice in Wonderland because that had as much extra dimension as a sheet of paper, but it was still a pacific ocean away from being decent 3D. This film physically upsets me. I say Obama should concentrate on keeping films like this out of our cinemas before he concentrates on less threatening problems like financial impairment and medical care!!

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