So I’m at my friends house who I shall call Zach, for my own protection (plus I think its a cool name……well not as cool as Screech but that doesn’t make for a good alias name). We’re watching some UFC fights and eating some cheesy, tomatoey, topped bread thing that I hear people calling a pizza. Expectantly, due to the number of Tango’s I had shoved down my neck, mother nature calls. I start to wonder whether or not mother nature has a sexy voice, then think that a mother of nature would only say things like “Keep off the grass!!” and “has anyone seen Bambi’s mum?” neither of which could ever sound that appealing. “Do you mind if I use your toilet?” I ask. “Yea, go for it mate” he replies……he may not have used those exact words but its not really one of those things you take note of……for all I know he said “Sure thing, do you need any assistance?”. Anyway I Riverdance to the toilet…because walking is so cliché…and perform my duties. I’d like to point out that I did a number one. Trust me, this is vital information because the alternative will lead you down a very unpleasant path. Now, I have never been good at basketball…or archery…or darts…lets just say I don't always get a bullseye……hmmm, apparently I'm no good at metaphors either. Just so we’re on the same page – I sprinkled a little……a lot. I spent a very British moment tut-tuting at my clumsiness and reached for the toilet paper……the toilet paper…hmm……the…the…WHERE’S THE TOILET PAPER!!! There, stuck on the wall is a lonely cardboard roll that I assume was once surrounded by layers of soft, delicate tissue paper. (Aren’t you glad you know its not a ‘number 2’ situation). My eyes dart across the bathroom desperately trying to find spare rolls. Under the sink? nothing. On top of the cupboard? nothing! In the cupboard? NOTHING!! I could just call out for toilet paper, but what if Zach thinks I'm doing a dirty poop in his toilet!! That's against friend regulations. I’ve checked!! Page 16, third paragraph down clearly states ‘a friend cannot take a dump in his/her friends toilet unless they have been there for 8 hours or longer’. I’ve only been here 3!! I can’t wait in this bathroom for 5 more hours!!……or can I??……no no, don't be foolish!! WHAT TO DO!! WHAT TO DO!! I search my pockets only to find a seriously over used tissue. I try it, but like a fat guy it doesn't work out. I look down at my sleeves……no……that’s just gross, and I’m far too suave for that…like James Bond, and that is certainly not something James Bond would do. I check inside my sleeves just in case I had somehow developed the skills of a magician and had a long multicoloured string of tied cloths up there. Unfortunately Houdini’s legacy is in no threat. I look over to a flannel resting on the heated towel rail……hmmm……that’d get me out the Elijah woods………but nah, I do have some morals.
I’m stuck, I can’t just leave it there!!! What if someone comes in after me and sees it!! What if his housemate comes in and sees it!! I’d no longer be the suave gentleman who strolled in……WHAT’D YOU MEAN ‘WHAT A LOAD OF SANDRA BULLOCKS’!!? I AM SUAVE!!!…hang on, what’s that……shhh……stop reading so loud………………there’s silence!!……………I cant hear the faint roar of crowd noise from the TV!!! Zach has paused the UFC action!! I hold my breath and freeze in the oddest pose that looked like I was just about to mount a horse or something. Why I froze in that position still baffles me to this day. From down the hallway I hear “Dan hurry up, you gotta see this!!!”. CRAP!! Now I'm panicking!! Do I really NEED to see it!! Would the world melt like an over-sucked Malteser if I didn't!! Would the last remaining Panda’s commit suicide by jumping out windows!?……y’know, the ones who live in…erm…tall…buildings. NO!! Everything will remain the same. Everything will stay PERFECTLY MARVELLOUS, like a world without Spiderman, Iron Man and X-Men…hehehe…sorry, not the time or the place for jokes I know. I stay frozen and pretend I didn’t hear him. He calls again, this time substantially louder. “YEA, ONE SEC” I yell back, but remain perfectly still. Who would have thought there could be so much tension and awkwardness between two people, in separate rooms, separated by a long hallway!! I look back again at the flannel, then the toilet seat……and back at the flannel. Now I hear movement, DOUBLE CRAP!! THINK FAST DAN!! The scuffled movement Taylor swiftly turns into clearly identifiable footsteps!! THINK DAMMIT, THINK!!! WHAT WOULD JAMES BOND DO!!……HE’D AIM BETTER THAT’S WHAT!!! “DAN!!………OI DAN!!!………”.
I open the door and let the sound of the flushing toilet escape out from the bathroom. There stands a confused and more so, suspicious Zach. “Come on you idiot, you’ve gotta see this knockout!!”. I step out the bathroom with a smug yet suave look on my face, humming the James Bond theme………………sockless.