Thursday, 11 March 2010

Alice in Wonderland (3D) Review

You know what's worse than seeing a bad movie? Seeing a bad movie in 3D and having to pay an extra £1.90 for the privilege!!! That's like paying a bully £1.90 to rough you up more than usual…or paying an extra £1.90 for someone to spit in your burger…or giving a homeless guy £1.90 to take your clothes and leave you to take the train home naked!! This film stank more than mouldy cheese!! Green mouldy cheese!! The type that would make Jerry surrender and nestle in Tom’s stomach to avoid the smell!! I was an eyelash away from taking off my glasses and stomping on them…AND I DON’T MEAN MY 3D ONES!!! How could Tim Burton get it so wrong!!! This isn’t a ‘2+2=5’ sort of wrong, its a ‘the best way to survive a bull attack is to give it a red hat as a present’ sort of wrong!! This film is like a woman with a shaved head, a chest like an ironing board, a saggy bum and the personality of Felix’s scratching post!! There is NOTHING appealing about it!!……and to think I had plans to ask the film out after it was finished. I had already envisioned taking it for a meal and bringing it back to my room and……well, you know……putting it on the shelf with the rest of my DVD’s……what on earth were you filthy people thinking of. The 3D was horrific! It felt like people were holding up cardboard cut-outs of branches and furniture and waving them in front of our faces to create the illusion of depth!! BY FAR THE WORSE NEXT-GEN 3D film I have seen. And this would be forgivable had the film been any good……(Daniel, was the film any good??….noooooo *pounds fist* :P) IT WAS TERRIBLE!!! It was as if they had taken our beloved Alice characters and placed them in a watered down Lord of The Rings battle sequence!! ALICE SLAYS A DRAGON FOR PETE SAKE!!! A DRAGON!!!!

Visually it was annoying. Nothing meshed well with anything else. It felt like a moving collage of tweaked live action and CGI characters of Shrek’s style and quality. Seriously I felt like I was being abused!! Like I was a kid getting felt up by Mr. Stevenson, the next door neighbour, who works at the children’s photography studio in town!! Like I was in an abusive relationship where every time I came close to liking something about it, it smacked me round the face and smashed a glass vase over my head!! Whoever the chick who plays Alice is was RUBBISH!!! Johnny Depp was RUBBISH!!! Helena Bonham Carter was R-R-Ravishing as usual, and her big head was just more Helena to love. Anna Hathaway is not even worth mentioning coz her drifty, daydreamy, dopy performance was as essential as a dancing can of corned beef!! therefore I will not mention here *MIB Flashy thing*. The best thing about this film is Tweedledee and Tweedledum who should have been in their own movie because even they are not good enough for me to see this film again. The tag line should have been ‘Drink Me, Eat me, Just don't Watch Me!!’ AN ABSOLUTE FAIL IN EVERY WAY MR. BURTON!!! SHAME ON YOU!!……Oooo bunny!! Must dash

No comments: