Here’s a picture I shamelessly stole from a friend to Photoshop and manipulate at my will. I’m not sure why she’s kicking a speaker in such an angry manner, perhaps it stole her jeans……cant say I blame it
So recently a customer asked to touch my afro. Now this isn’t a rare occurrence. People ask this all the time, like I’ve cellotaped an iPod Touch to the top of my head or something. But this time, Alisa, a friend from work………you know Alisa don’t you?………no?……ok, nevermind………she’s a friend from work……no you cant have her number!! Anyway, she said I should write a blog about it. Now that particular time was fairly uneventful but it did remind me of another time when my hair was caressed like a borrowed Barbie doll by a 10 year old boy who has just seen a tape labelled ‘Boring Stuff’ that his dad keeps hidden away under his bed……man that was a long sentence!! So have a seat on my lap as I tell you the story of when……actually erm, can you get off my lap………it just feels a little weird……y’know you’re far too old to be sitting on my lap like that……its just a bit inappropriate……thanks……appreciate it……ok, so…
…There I am sitting in Starbucks as I try to drive a steak through the heart of ‘Procrastination’ and actually finish writing a blog……hang on, that’s not right! ‘Drive a steak through!!?’ I meant ‘stake’ hahaha, silly me, can you imagine me with a slab of beef waving it around like a fleeting vegetarian who has relapsed and is celebrating his return to meat in a somewhat psychotic manner. Anyway I’m rambling. I’m in Starbucks trying to write when a beastly man approaches me, I’m talking a baby elephant on steroids!! He literally blocked out the sun!! Either that or the sun briefly disappeared behind some clouds but dammit I’m trying to make a point here. The dude was HUGE!! My face of concentration soon changes to a face of fear. What had I done to attract the attention of this roman gladiator…again, I’m not being literal, he didn't have a spear & shield or one of those helmets with a brush on top. However he did have biceps the size of rugby balls and abs carved from granite……I couldn’t actually see any abs but I could not imagine him with anything less than a 10 pack!! It probably looks like the bottom side of a really large ice cube tray!! “Hey my daughter really wants to touch your hair” the man says in a deep ruffled voice. My eyes dart around and there behold, emerges the smallest girl from behind the man. “Yea sure” I timidly reply. I lean forward and nestle my afro into her advancing hand where she proceeds to give it a feel. Well what a relief, I think to myself. Just another girl who wants to feel my hair. But then things change on the account of the following sentence. “Dad its so soft, feel it!!”.
My eyes widen and there is a loud thud as my jaw hits the table. Surely he’s not gonna… “D’you mind mate?” DAMMIT!! I DO mind I feel a tear developing in my eye. It’ll be like getting a head massage from King Kong!! I don't trust him, what if he rips a chunk out!! ‘Afro Dan the bald patch man’ just doesn't have the same ring to it!! But how do I tell him no? He’s like a sleeping giant and I certainly do not want to be his alarm clock!! I man-up and boldly say “Go for it mate”, and boy does he!! His hand is so big I’m pretty sure his thumb and middle finger was touching both of my ears. ‘Just a little longer’ I keep telling myself, but it was a lie. He kept his hand there!! How long does it take to feel my hair!! Was he just resting there using my head as a leaning post!? I’m in freaking Starbucks, where there are loads of freaking people around looking as I get leaned on by the freaking Incredible Hulk!! This looks so wrong, hell, this IS so wrong, this is like half the pages in my GCSE maths book!! But how do I get him off!? What’s the safety word those S&M enthusiasts use!!? I shuffle about in attempts to loosen the grip but to no avail…….and so I just sit there as my afro is violated, and continue to write. Hmm thinking back, I should have offered him Alisa’s number……you know Alisa don’t you?……no?……alright!! keep your hair on!!
So you know what I was thinking about the other day? no? ‘Worlds Greatest Psychic’ my ass!! Anyway, I was thinking about Pandas……… ok, I’m lying, my friend Abi told me to write about Pandas. I’m not entirely sure why? Perhaps her iPod is being held captive to an angry Panda who wants her to spread Panda awareness……IT COULD HAPPEN!!! To be honest I think Abi is a panda dressed in the finest Philippian human skin. I’ve always suspected it, and it would definitely explain why she was eating that leaf the other day…………or was it a sandwich?? My memory is a little foggy. Its a shame there isn't more pandas in the world though. I don’t think I have ever actually seen one. I mean I’ve seen them on TV but I heard you should never trust the media. I mean, what if they don't even look like that!! What if they’re actually green with stripes!! For all we know a reporter just happened to catch one coming back from a fancy dress party and claimed they are all like that!!
Not that I have a problem with the way they look, they’re mad cute, I would definitely like to have one as a pet . Cat’s and dog’s are so cliché these days, they’re everywhere!! Apparently they even fall from the sky when it rains although I’ve never seen it myself. How cool would it be to bring your friends around your house and say “Oh him? that’s just Timmy my pet panda” and walk away all nonchalant like as though you don’t realise how cool having a pet panda is. I wonder if I’d have to take him for walks? Probably not, I imagine he’d just stay slouched on the sofa watching recordings of ‘loose women’ hoping its one of those programs that does what it says on the tin.
Abi says they look like they have two black eyes but I disagree. I think they look like they’re wearing sunglasses. Morpheus type ones that stick to their faces……hmmm perhaps they’re doing what Paris Hilton does, wearing the sunglasses to hide their black eyes!! I heard a rumour that one was on the loose in London!! Could you imagine him on the tube wearing a long khaki trench coat, harry potter glasses, and a dark black hat with holes in it for the ears to pop through. Just sitting there all casually while he reads his Metro, sighing over an article on how iPods are being taken ransom across the country by disregarded pandas. Pfff a panda on the loose, yea right, what a load of nonsense……now if you’ll excuse me I’ve got errands to run………anyone know where I can buy bamboo shoots??………oops……i mean……brand…new……boots
So I’m at work on one of the hottest days EVER, where the sun is screaming “LOOK AT ME!! LOOK AT ME!! HEY, IM TALKING TO YOU!!” and throwing rays of light at everyone. Its angry, red hot angry……red like these new shorts I'm wearing……you can’t see them!?……wait……how bout now??………no!? that’s odd……Anyway, not only am I NOT on the beach, playing a game I like to call ‘How long can you look directly at the sun before you go blind’, but I’m also at work, in a restaurant, where chicken is being grilled at such ridiculous temperatures I swear I heard one of them ask for RSPCA’s number!! And where am I? At the tills, right next to the grills!! Needless to say I am TENDERLY ROASTING LIKE I WAS A GUEST AT A CANNIBAL FAMILY’S CHRISTMAS DINNER PARTY!! My armpits are like Niagara Falls and you could practically surf down my back with the amount of sweat it’s producing. I look up at the ceiling. WHERE THE HELL IS THAT AIR CON!? I think to myself. Its like it had thought “Screw this, I aint sticking around here to keep you fools cool, I’m off to the beach” and hitchhiked its way to Brighton. WELL SCREW YOU AIR CON!! YOUR AS USELESS AS A THIEF IN THE DESERT!!! I tell the customer to enjoy their meal even though chances are they’ll have melted before their meals arrive. At the front of the queue is an extremely hot Asian chick in a low top, shorts and flip-flops. ‘Hot’ in an attractive way mind you, although she must be hot too………hmm, she doesn't look affected by the sun……maybe being hot and feeling hot at the same time counteracts the affects of the heat. She’s insanely attractive, in fact, suspiciously so. Maybe she’s a robot!! IT TOTALLY MAKES SENSE, ROBOTS DON’T SWEAT!! I quickly scan her body for a Google logo. I see none, but I make a mental note to listen out in case she orders a glass of oil. My mouth is so dry, I look over to the right where my glass of ice-cold Sprite stands beneath the counter. Its shouting “Come with me if you want to live!!” in its best Arnold Schwarzenegger voice. I decide that I DO INDEED ‘WANT TO LIVE’. I look back at the girl, I have enough time to grab a sip before she notices I’m free. However, before I have time to move she leaps forward in a movement that before I thought only kangaroos could perform and she starts blasting “1/2 Chicken” THIS, and “Peri-Peri” THAT at me. I’ve missed my chance so I decide to be the most charming dehydrated, perspiring person I can be. I interrupt her and ask for her table number. She says a number but it doesn’t quite register as I’m too busy looking at her br……her!! I enter a number which didn’t serve me well in the work lottery but I’m sure will be this lady’s temporary place of residence. As she lists order after order I cant help but glance at the glass of Sprite. If I stumbled on a magic lamp and a genie that sounded a lot like Robin Williams granted me 3 wishes, believe me, I wouldn’t be asking for world peace or a cure for cancer or anything silly thing like that. I’d ask for a flooding wave of ice-cold Sprite that would burst through the doors of the restaurant and drown me in bubblerific, refreshingness!!
She finishes her order and smiles at me with a look that says “I’m so pleased with myself right now, I totally remembered what everyone wanted when usually I cant even remember what channel ‘Lost’ is on when I accidentally sit on the remote’. It was a very specific look!! “How on earth did you remember all of that!?” I say as impressed as I could muster up. She giggles the cutest giggle known to man, I’m talking Guinness book of world records worthy. “I have no idea!!” she says looking even more impressed with herself. We then share a moment. A magical moment right out of a Disney film………but then……ever so slowly……I feel a large bead of sweat trickle down my forehead!!!………CRAP!!! THAT'S NOT MAGICAL!!! I hope she doesn’t notice!! But as my eyes are still locked on her I see the exact moment she sees it. DOUBLE CRAP!! Maybe if I stay dead still it will stop falling, so I try. It doesn't. I suddenly become very aware of how hot it is. The drenched armpits!! The back dripping like a broken valve!! The dry mouth!! As still as I’m being I feel the bead creep further down my face and rest on the bridge of my nose. The smile quickly fades from her face and she hands me £30. I feel like a male prostitute who’s customer has thought ‘Shheesh, you know what, I’ll pass but here’s the money for your time’.
Do I wipe it or not? What if I do and she hadn’t noticed before? What if I wipe it and when I hand her the receipt, the paper has absorbed all the sweat from my hand!! I cant give her a sweaty receipt, DAMN YOU SWEAT BEAD!! LOOK AT YOU!! SITTING THERE ALL SMUG!! YOUR LIKE A KETCHUP STAIN ON A WHITE T-SHIRT!! OR A WET PATCH ON THE CROTCH ON A PAIR OF JEANS!! I hand her the receipt and her change, resisting the urge to quickly slap the sweat bead away. She takes the change but still stands in front of me, staring. ALRIGHT HOT ASIAN ROBOT LADY!! SHOWS OVER!! NOTHING TO SEE HERE!! The nerve of this girl standing watching, waiting to see if it slides down my nose, WHY DON'T YOU GRAB SOME POPCORN AND HAVE A SEAT ON THE COUNTER!! LOOK AT YOU WITH YOUR PERFECTLY DRY SKIN, NOT EVEN A HINT OF MOISTNESS ON THAT FOREHEAD!! WHAT’D YOU DO,SPRAY IT WITH DEODORANT!! “Can I get a glass for my drink” She asks. “Oh, right….sure” I reply and rapidly scramble for a glass from the rack. As she reaches for the glass I see the most unpleasant sweat patch under her armpit. SWEET MARY!! SHE IS HUMAN AFTER ALL!! NEVER HAS THE SIGHT OF A SWEAT PATCH GIVEN ME SUCH A FEELING OF ACCEPTANCE!! I COULD LITERALLY KISS IT!!……I decide that’s probably not the best of ideas. As soon as she leaves I quickly grab a tissue and wipe my forehead dry. I look up and see a queue had formed like Steve Jobs was behind the till giving out free iPad’s. I look over to my right. My glass of Sprite still stands untouched……I’ve got time for a quick sip……but it turns out the hot Asian lady isn't the only one who can perform enormous kangaroo leaps. Sigh.
This film is like a fatally rebellious vampire, IT SHOULD HAVE NEVER SEEN THE LIGHT OF DAY!!! I sit through what seems like an hour of commercials and trailers, with my cup of Fanta big enough to drown a hobbit and nachos with cheese like quick drying cement, eagerly awaiting the film. As the film starts I begin to wonder why Tony Stark is in court defending his case to a panel of suits who are demanding the Iron Man suit for government security purposes. A case that, like a mermaid, clearly has no legs to stand on. The more the film continues the less I care about what’s going on. There is barely any story to speak of!! Its like a bedtime book that has one page that reads “and they lived happily ever after”. I can only describe this film as an empty sandwich because it has a ok-ish start and an ok-ish end but all in between is the dry taste of bread……no? ok how about this one. This film is like a Barbie Doll, THERE JUST ISNT ANYTHING THERE IN THE MIDDLE!!! The majority of this film is pointlessness. Like Iron Man peeing in his suit, or a random fight that comes from nowhere between him and his best friend “Rhodey”. At times I reached for a remote to skip to the next chapter before remembering that I was in the cinema. A lot of this film was also spent promoting the future 2012 ‘Avengers’ film. This will include Iron Man, Hulk, Thor and Captain America in a supposedly awesome mother of all Marvel action films. It was like a really long trailer with minimal time invested in actually making this sequel a film of its own.
One thing I was hugely disappointed with was the lack of action, it might as well have been a comedy film. There were only 2 main action pieces, TWO!!! YOU GET MORE IN AN EPISODE OF THE POWER RANGERS!!! Now, I do not hate this film, I just feel it lacks on every level in every way, especially compared to it predecessor. AND!!! MICKEY ROUKE!! The best character in the entire film gets as much screen time as one of those cue marks you get at the top right-hand corner of old projection films. He’s there for like 6 frames then before you know it he’s gone!!
As a film on its own its ok, but, as a sequel to a film I hold with high regard, it fails miserably. The entire film seems more confused than an old lady who drops a letter addressed to firstname.lastname@example.org in a post box. When you walk into the cinema, hold your popcorn, hold your drink, just don’t hold much expectations.
I saw a few Disney artist blogs and got inspired to draw, I do envy those guys, crazy talent……hmmm………maybe if I invent a talent stealing molecular swapsy-doo-daa I can work for Disney. If you’ll excuse me, I’ve got a toaster to take apart!! Mwahahahahaa!!
Well its not the first time I’ve written a Kick Ass review :P So I enter the cinema with very little expectations, in fact the only expectation I had was that I would watch a film after paying for a ticket. Indeed this was the case. Not only did I watch a film but I watched a film that KICKED ASS!!! I left the cinema with bruises, a missing tooth and one sore backside……fine I’ll allow one inappropriate joke but that’s all. Like a free glass of cold lemonade for anyone who saves the day, this film is a refreshing take on the superhero world. It manages to make fun of the genre, yet stay completely true to it. I loved how this film abides to a real life setting but still gives you that Hollywood pump of adrenaline that people like me crave in movies. Its a true form of escapism. There are outstanding highlights that make you think the film just walked out of Tony & Guy. Although the film centres on ‘Kick-Ass’, an average lad with altruistic dreams, his limelight is mixed with other fruits and juiced into a smoothie for the true star of the film ‘Hit-Girl’. Chloe Moretz does what the Joker did in ‘The Dark Knight’, what Donkey did in ‘Shrek’ and what Johnny Depp tried to do in ‘Alice in Wonderland’, which is she completely steals the show. It’s like she literally took the reel and projector and ran away with it!!! She plays a foul mouthed, brain washed 13 year old assassin. As awkward as it is to watch her colourfully use weapons with perfect precision and use language right out the ‘Superbad’ world, you cannot help but admire the talent and uniqueness of her character. She is like Natalie Portman’s character in ‘Leon’ but with a harder edge and a better dress sense. I can say, with a odour of spoiler-free ambience, that there is a scene halfway through the film that sets the tone for the remainder of the movie. A tone of relentless brutal violence……like Lady Gaga’s voice. As blood flickers at every inch of the screen you will sit there with eyes wide open and a lustful expression that will make you want to headbutt the cinema staff on your way out.
Great writing knelt down and proposed to great acting and today we have ‘Kick-Ass’, a time to throw rice over your shoulder, throw bouquets and dance with mutual friends………hence why i left the cinema with bruises and a missing tooth……oh you thought it was from the film!?………no no, my friend beat me up coz i arrived at the cinema with a multilayered wedding cake, wearing a tux and tried to dance with him. So anyway, quite simply put, THIS. FILM. KICKS. ASS!!! It kicked MY ass, it kicked everyone else in the cinema’s ass. I bet right now, if you listen very carefully, you can hear the faintest of ass kickings…………………………………pow……SEE!!!
In contrast to the stack of dirty Pampers found at the house of the lady who had octuplets, or more commonly known as Clash of The Titans, this film is a prime example of how to to use 3D to further enhance an already outstanding film. When i first saw the trailer of this film I thought ‘here we have another crappy Dreamwork’s production full of predictably profitable actors and cheap gags’, which isn’t a rash assumption considering their history. However I'm glad to say this film was a Neil Armstrong step in the right direction……y’know, back in the day……when he was on the moon, I'm sure his steps here on earth are slightly underwhelming considering he’s now 79……and the whole gravity thing. Anyway, Dreamwork’s Animations have always been a little hit or miss for me, mostly miss because I’m not big on baseball, but every now and then they churn out a classic. The problem I have with their animations which I'm sure is a shared opinion is that they took the Antz formula, perfected it for Shrek, which worked brilliantly for that particular film, and applied it to every film since. This has forced them into a very narrow lane that has made all their films feel very repetitive and souless. Apart from the ‘Madagascar’ franchise, and their collaborations with Aardman (Flushed Away, Wallace & Gromit: The Curse Of The Were-Rabbit) I have been disappointed with most of their offerings. But then came Kung Fu Panda, a film with heart, a loveable lead character and jokes that last longer than the time it takes to process them. How To Train Your Dragon is further proof that Dreamworks are putting more feeling into their films. Instead of making platforms for stand up comedy, they are making actual films. HTTYD, despite some questionable dragon designs is a perfect movie. It has a storyline that keeps you riveted whether your a child or a grown up……or both like Benjamin Button. One thing that shook the beans and eggs outta me was how beautifully portrayed the relationship between the lead character, Hiccup and the Dragon, Toothless, is. You really get a sense of connection between the two and you care about them.
Another thing that amazed me in this film are the flight scenes. When the dragons take to the sky you feel like you are right there beside them. The camera keeps you in the heart of the action which, amplified by the 3D element allows you to feel the real dangers and freedom of the situation. The jokes and gags are still there but have been toned down significantly so they do not distract from the film. This is not a comedy film but an action/adventure film that's quite funny. Not only is it an exciting, enjoyable film,it also teaches me how to train MY dragon, Nightmare. Nightmare has always been a notorious little thing. Setting my pyjamas alight, flapping his wings and messing up my documents!! Even sought out the help of Supernanny and she left the next day with mascara down her face and a bald patch. But now he’s right as rain, I may even change his name from Nightmare to Dreamworks……or not. I’ve seen this film twice at the cinema and I’m more than up for seeing it a 3rd time because chances to see this film in 3D wont last long. I recommend this film like a greeting to your friend Lee………anyone get that!?
So I’m at my friends house who I shall call Zach, for my own protection (plus I think its a cool name……well not as cool as Screech but that doesn’t make for a good alias name). We’re watching some UFC fights and eating some cheesy, tomatoey, topped bread thing that I hear people calling a pizza. Expectantly, due to the number of Tango’s I had shoved down my neck, mother nature calls. I start to wonder whether or not mother nature has a sexy voice, then think that a mother of nature would only say things like “Keep off the grass!!” and “has anyone seen Bambi’s mum?” neither of which could ever sound that appealing. “Do you mind if I use your toilet?” I ask. “Yea, go for it mate” he replies……he may not have used those exact words but its not really one of those things you take note of……for all I know he said “Sure thing, do you need any assistance?”. Anyway I Riverdance to the toilet…because walking is so cliché…and perform my duties. I’d like to point out that I did a number one. Trust me, this is vital information because the alternative will lead you down a very unpleasant path. Now, I have never been good at basketball…or archery…or darts…lets just say I don't always get a bullseye……hmmm, apparently I'm no good at metaphors either. Just so we’re on the same page – I sprinkled a little……a lot. I spent a very British moment tut-tuting at my clumsiness and reached for the toilet paper……the toilet paper…hmm……the…the…WHERE’S THE TOILET PAPER!!! There, stuck on the wall is a lonely cardboard roll that I assume was once surrounded by layers of soft, delicate tissue paper. (Aren’t you glad you know its not a ‘number 2’ situation). My eyes dart across the bathroom desperately trying to find spare rolls. Under the sink? nothing. On top of the cupboard? nothing! In the cupboard? NOTHING!! I could just call out for toilet paper, but what if Zach thinks I'm doing a dirty poop in his toilet!! That's against friend regulations. I’ve checked!! Page 16, third paragraph down clearly states ‘a friend cannot take a dump in his/her friends toilet unless they have been there for 8 hours or longer’. I’ve only been here 3!! I can’t wait in this bathroom for 5 more hours!!……or can I??……no no, don't be foolish!! WHAT TO DO!! WHAT TO DO!! I search my pockets only to find a seriously over used tissue. I try it, but like a fat guy it doesn't work out. I look down at my sleeves……no……that’s just gross, and I’m far too suave for that…like James Bond, and that is certainly not something James Bond would do. I check inside my sleeves just in case I had somehow developed the skills of a magician and had a long multicoloured string of tied cloths up there. Unfortunately Houdini’s legacy is in no threat. I look over to a flannel resting on the heated towel rail……hmmm……that’d get me out the Elijah woods………but nah, I do have some morals.
I’m stuck, I can’t just leave it there!!! What if someone comes in after me and sees it!! What if his housemate comes in and sees it!! I’d no longer be the suave gentleman who strolled in……WHAT’D YOU MEAN ‘WHAT A LOAD OF SANDRA BULLOCKS’!!? I AM SUAVE!!!…hang on, what’s that……shhh……stop reading so loud………………there’s silence!!……………I cant hear the faint roar of crowd noise from the TV!!! Zach has paused the UFC action!! I hold my breath and freeze in the oddest pose that looked like I was just about to mount a horse or something. Why I froze in that position still baffles me to this day. From down the hallway I hear “Dan hurry up, you gotta see this!!!”. CRAP!! Now I'm panicking!! Do I really NEED to see it!! Would the world melt like an over-sucked Malteser if I didn't!! Would the last remaining Panda’s commit suicide by jumping out windows!?……y’know, the ones who live in…erm…tall…buildings. NO!! Everything will remain the same. Everything will stay PERFECTLY MARVELLOUS, like a world without Spiderman, Iron Man and X-Men…hehehe…sorry, not the time or the place for jokes I know. I stay frozen and pretend I didn’t hear him. He calls again, this time substantially louder. “YEA, ONE SEC” I yell back, but remain perfectly still. Who would have thought there could be so much tension and awkwardness between two people, in separate rooms, separated by a long hallway!! I look back again at the flannel, then the toilet seat……and back at the flannel. Now I hear movement, DOUBLE CRAP!! THINK FAST DAN!! The scuffled movement Taylor swiftly turns into clearly identifiable footsteps!! THINK DAMMIT, THINK!!! WHAT WOULD JAMES BOND DO!!……HE’D AIM BETTER THAT’S WHAT!!! “DAN!!………OI DAN!!!………”.
I open the door and let the sound of the flushing toilet escape out from the bathroom. There stands a confused and more so, suspicious Zach. “Come on you idiot, you’ve gotta see this knockout!!”. I step out the bathroom with a smug yet suave look on my face, humming the James Bond theme………………sockless.
I should start by saying I never wanted to see this film and I never thought I actually would. In fact, I was pretty sure I would sooner watch the Hanna Montana movie, along with all the bonus Blu-ray features before ever setting foot through the Pepsi stained doors labelled “Clash of The Titans 3D”. The only reason I did end up dragging myself (like I was Will Smith AND the alien) to this film was due to my friend Joey’s recommendation and high praise of it. After seeing it I can firmly say I should have went with my gut………well, actually I DID go with my gut, its not like I can leave my stomach at home!! i hated this film sooooo bad I didn't know what to do with myself so I decided to shove a little boy holding a large box of popcorn and shout “MOVE PUNK!!!”…………ok so maybe I accidentally bumped into him, apologised and paid for another box of popcorn, but the hatred was firmly represented by the clenching of my fists!!! This film was so dang boring!!! There was no clashing of the titans!!! it was more the BRUSHING PAST of the titans!! Here is a film that desperately tries to be epic and mindful but instead comes across as an underachieving ‘straight to TV’ sorta film with a big budget. Its like the gunk you find underneath the fridge or at the bottom of your dishwasher. The story is painfully dull like a doctor with a used needle and it holds your attention with butterfingers. Its almost as if it is being told by a very old man who isn't 100% sure of what he’s saying and is merging stories with other stories resulting in a confusing display of uncertain storytelling, unstable characters and dribble……actual dribble, like I said, VERY old. SPOILER ALERT FOR ANYONE WHO CARES!! The Kraken, being the last hope of any type of excitement in this film, is cast away in the most anticlimactic way ever imagined!! Our supposed hero climbs to high grounds with absolutely no fear of this enormous creature, not that we have any emotional investment as to whether he lives or dies, and holds up Medusas head turning the beast into stone. AS THOUGH HE DOES THIS ON A DAILY BASIS!! LIKE HE WAS BRUSHING OFF AN ANNOYING CAT OR SOMETHING!! HE MIGHT AS WELL OF WHIPPED OUT A WAND AND SHOUTED VANISHODIUM!! ABSOLUTE GARBAGE!!
Not only is the film grade A pigeon poop but the 3D is depressingly stale. Once again I was fooled into seeing a film that boasts a weak 3D conversion, done in 10 weeks no less!! A film that had no intensions of being 3D initially, but was translated in the final weeks before its release to cash-in on the extra few quid added to ticket prices for 3D screenings!! ALL FOR A FILM THAT HAS AS MUCH DEPTH AS A SOUTH PARK EPISODE!!! I wont say it is worse than Alice in Wonderland because that had as much extra dimension as a sheet of paper, but it was still a pacific ocean away from being decent 3D. This film physically upsets me. I say Obama should concentrate on keeping films like this out of our cinemas before he concentrates on less threatening problems like financial impairment and medical care!!
You know what's worse than seeing a bad movie? Seeing a bad movie in 3D and having to pay an extra £1.90 for the privilege!!! That's like paying a bully £1.90 to rough you up more than usual…or paying an extra £1.90 for someone to spit in your burger…or giving a homeless guy £1.90 to take your clothes and leave you to take the train home naked!! This film stank more than mouldy cheese!! Green mouldy cheese!! The type that would make Jerry surrender and nestle in Tom’s stomach to avoid the smell!! I was an eyelash away from taking off my glasses and stomping on them…AND I DON’T MEAN MY 3D ONES!!! How could Tim Burton get it so wrong!!! This isn’t a ‘2+2=5’ sort of wrong, its a ‘the best way to survive a bull attack is to give it a red hat as a present’ sort of wrong!! This film is like a woman with a shaved head, a chest like an ironing board, a saggy bum and the personality of Felix’s scratching post!! There is NOTHING appealing about it!!……and to think I had plans to ask the film out after it was finished. I had already envisioned taking it for a meal and bringing it back to my room and……well, you know……putting it on the shelf with the rest of my DVD’s……what on earth were you filthy people thinking of. The 3D was horrific! It felt like people were holding up cardboard cut-outs of branches and furniture and waving them in front of our faces to create the illusion of depth!! BY FAR THE WORSE NEXT-GEN 3D film I have seen. And this would be forgivable had the film been any good……(Daniel, was the film any good??….noooooo *pounds fist* :P) IT WAS TERRIBLE!!! It was as if they had taken our beloved Alice characters and placed them in a watered down Lord of The Rings battle sequence!! ALICE SLAYS A DRAGON FOR PETE SAKE!!! A DRAGON!!!!
Visually it was annoying. Nothing meshed well with anything else. It felt like a moving collage of tweaked live action and CGI characters of Shrek’s style and quality. Seriously I felt like I was being abused!! Like I was a kid getting felt up by Mr. Stevenson, the next door neighbour, who works at the children’s photography studio in town!! Like I was in an abusive relationship where every time I came close to liking something about it, it smacked me round the face and smashed a glass vase over my head!! Whoever the chick who plays Alice is was RUBBISH!!! Johnny Depp was RUBBISH!!! Helena Bonham Carter was R-R-Ravishing as usual, and her big head was just more Helena to love. Anna Hathaway is not even worth mentioning coz her drifty, daydreamy, dopy performance was as essential as a dancing can of corned beef!! therefore I will not mention here *MIB Flashy thing*. The best thing about this film is Tweedledee and Tweedledum who should have been in their own movie because even they are not good enough for me to see this film again. The tag line should have been ‘Drink Me, Eat me, Just don't Watch Me!!’ AN ABSOLUTE FAIL IN EVERY WAY MR. BURTON!!! SHAME ON YOU!!……Oooo bunny!! Must dash
You know……films like this always take me down memory lane……back to the days when I was but a small slimy green frog with yellow eyes that shined like the sun. I was a right buzz of energy, jumping about the place better than any kangaroo or pogo extremist ever could. Going round kissing girls and charming them with my wit. Promising them I would treat them to the finest fly’s they have ever tasted. I could just look deep into their eyes, sitting there as my throat expands and retracts, and let out a seducing croak…it was like taking candy from a tadpole. Until that one girl came along and forgot to tell me she was A BLOOMING PRINCESS AND CHANGED ME INTO A BLOODY HUMAN!!!
Here we have a film that many have speculated to be the arbitrative test that reveals whether or not Disney still have a future in 2D animated films. I for one, am a firm fan of most Disney classics, with The Lion King, Tarzan, and Aladdin being some of my favourite films of all time. Needless to say, I was somewhat intrigued and excited about this offering. Yes, I am a man who lives and breathes for computer animation, but there has always been a special place in my heart…or somewhere in my corneas for traditional, hand drawn animation. Just thinking of those drawings……those lines of pleasure make you understand drug addicts……no?……I thought it was funny. Anyway, ‘The Princess and the frog’ is a Disney re-working of the classic tale. I sat down in the cinema with my little brother at hand to avoid looking foolish, but ended up looking foolish holding my brothers hand…he’s 15. I managed to blend in with the crowd of snotty nosed kids……ok only one of the kids I saw had a snotty nose but that's more than enough for me to generalise. I feel Disney did a good job of recapturing their old formula for success. Now with head of Pixar, John Lasseter at the reigns of Disney's animation department, they managed to slip back into old habits very smoothly. The imagery was beautiful with colours that practically jumped off the screen and gave the cinema a fresh coat of paint. The movement and flow of the characters were as brilliant as ever, with the crucial timing conducted perfectly. As good as this film is it’s still far from vintage Disney. Sky Movies Reviewer Elliot Noble summed it up quite nicely, saying “At the end of the day, it's okay. But when it comes to animation from Disney, 'okay' is a bit of a let-down”.
I feel that this movie falls slightly short on almost every aspect. For example, the characters. Although there are the winning array of characters we’ve come to expect from Disney animations, most of them lacked any real depth. They all seemed rather basic. The only strong characters was the ACTUAL princess (not the black girl) and the crocodile who BOTH had me in stitches so bad people thought I had been in a cage fight. Also, the music was not on par with the level we expect from Disney which really baffled me as they had Randy Newman doing the songs. Who would have thought that Mr. You Got a Friend In Me could produce anything but greatness. They weren't that catchy, and they did not leave me spitting in the hair of the person in front of me as I try to whistle them walking out the cinema. Also I didn’t get that strong sense of involvement with the settings. With previous films they really did their homework to make sure the environments captured you and sucked you into their worlds. Good examples of this is The Lion King, where from the very first image you could feel Africa. Or 101 Dalmatians that captured London to the point you could almost feel the dampness in the air!! Or even Mulan where the scenery is as beautiful as you would see in ‘House of Flying Daggers’ or ‘Hero’. This film concentrates more on the era of time, the 20’s, where everything was highly influenced by Broadway and Jazz. Which I guess proves harder to relate to and ultimately immerse you into the settings.
Now don’t get me wrong, I like this film, and the problems mentioned don’t stop it from being a good movie, but I feel they keep it from being a great movie. In any case its a welcomed return to 2D animated films for Disney and although not quite back in their prime its a basketball player’s step in the right direction……………………that was dangerously close to actually reviewing a film, quick say something stupid!!…………butt cheese!!!………perfect
So there I am on my living room floor, shaking in the fetal position, flicking around a scrunched up bit of paper. Why? Because Frankie is at the door. Frankie who? Frankie the seven year old kid from next door. Now before you catapult over the canon (or ‘jump the gun’ as its more commonly known as) and start preparing your ‘Daniel gets beaten up by a seven year old’ jokes, let me explain. Two days ago Frankie knocked on the door……wait it gets worse……I answered the door…well, I opened the door, its not like the door asked me a question and I responded). Frankie is sitting on his bike looking up at me with a very playful look in his eyes. “Is Ashley in?” he asks. ‘He isnt’ I think to myself, then I decide I had better say that out loud in case Frankie doesn’t have mind-reading abilities. “No, he isn’t” I say. “He wont be back for another few hours”. Frankie looks puzzled. I replay what I had just said in my head……nope, that definitely made sense……I’ll just give him a little longer to process it before I close the door. He seems to be taking a little too long so I begin pulling the door shut. “I’VE GOT A WOBBLY TOOTH!!! WANNA SEE!!” he shouts before I even get the door halfway closed. “Err……I guess” escapes from my lips, totally disregarding the brain signals it was receiving screaming “NO!! SAY NO!!!”. Frankie lounges forward, still balanced on his bike and yanks the door back open so I could fully appreciate his ‘wobbly tooth’ presentation. I expected him to get straight to it but for some reason he starts stretching his fingers and shaking loose his hands. Now I’m no professional tooth wobbler but I’m pretty sure limber hands are not essential to masterfully complete the task. Nevertheless I allow him time to loosen up……he even hopped off his bike and stretched his legs to my further surprise. I impatiently watch as little Frankie reaches his fingers to his upper jaw in what can only be described as theatrical, melodramatic, slow motion!! He then grabbed what I shall knowledgeably refer to as the tooth below the left nostril and proceed to give it a vigorous shake. “SEE!!” he exclaims with a face that says ‘How is this even possible’. He really looked amazed by it all. Like a little monkey had appeared from behind the tooth and played ‘Eye of the Tiger’ on a little flute. I try my best to look impressed. I lean back, I raise my eyebrows, I give a one of those one-sided smiles, and if that wasn't enough I even give out an elongated “woooooow”.
Frankie folds his arms looking all smug like some kind of amateur street magician who has just pulled a coin out from behind someone's ear. “That was brilliant Frankie, very cool, you take care now buddy” I say to finalize this encounter. I begin to close the door when “I’VE GOT A SCAR TOO!!!” comes flying out of Frankie’s mouth like someone just Heimlich Manoeuvred it out. His eyes are widened with excitement. This time my lips listen to my brain and I manage to say “Sorry mate, I’ve got to go”. But instead of the reaction I had prepared myself for Frankie stomps his grubby red Reebok onto the doorstep and starts rolling up his trouser leg. DAMMIT FRANKIE!! Just before he reaches his knee he quickly pushes the door back open and again I'm back where I started. He pushed his trouser leg past his kneecap and there behold was a scar. Not the most show-stopping scar you’ve ever seen but indeed a scar. “Err………yea, cool” I muster up, shortly followed bye “ok, bye”. “AND I HAVE ONE ON MY ELBOW!!!!” He screams with the lungs of an opera singer. “Frankie. I really gotta go now” I try, but of course he has already begun rolling up his sleeve. As he does this I started thinking of ways I can get out of this without feeling guilty. I could tell him I’m cooking!!………but that may be interpreted as ‘Join me for dinner where you can share more of your bodily deformities’………I could say I’m running a bath!!……but how long would it take to turn off the taps, and besides, I wouldn’t want him to take THAT as an invitation!! I can see it now…”MUM!! DANIEL WANTS TO WASH ME!!! AND HE SAID HE ‘HAD TO GO’……HE WAS GONNA GO TOILET IN THE BATH!!!”.
Screw it, I’ve had enough, I’ll just tell him I’ve got to go and close the door…IM NO WUSS!! Frankie is again doing the self-impressing street magician pose, this time with his elbow exposed revealing another average scar. “Cool Frankie, anyway, I’ve got to…” I begin, but Frankie is looking away. I turn to see what he is looking at. It’s his mum waving next door. We both wave back. “Is he behaving?” she asks. “Yea, he’s just showing me his scars and his wobbly tooth” I yell back. “Ahh” she says, with a proud smile. “Show him the one on your ankle!!” she says before disappearing into the house. “Oh yea!!” Frankie bellows excitedly. Anyway, to sum up, Frankie continued his ‘show and tell’ by presenting me a viewing of his ankle scar, some YouTube inspired bike tricks, and his melted chocolate bar. I managed to get away by calling the house phone with my pocketed mobile and making a ‘oh this is important’ face. Yes i felt a little bad but he really is the kid you simply cant get rid of!! Like a spot on your face that wont quit or a stain on your favourite top that refuses to wash off. LIKE A WEB BROWSER POP-UP THAT WONT CLOSE, OR AN EYELASH IN YOUR EYE THAT YOU CANT GET OUT!!! So you see, this is why I am now on the floor, in the living room, in the fetal position, sucking my thumb……err, forget that last one. I lie there waiting for little Frankie’s persistence to retire. The doorbell goes off but I remain perfectly still. I then realise there is some writing on the scrunched up paper I was flicking about. I reach for it slowly and unscrunch it. It’s a note from my mum to me. It reads ‘DANIEL, DON’T FORGET THE REPAIR MAN IS COMING AT 4PM TO FIX THE DRYER – MUM’. At the same moment I remember something that sets my heartbeat into over gear. Frankie can’t reach the doorbell!!! In a panic I turn to the clock on the wall……4:06!!!……The bell rings again. “OH SUGAR PUFFS!!”. I jump to my feet and head to the door. As it opens I see a tall bearded man who declares he has come to take a look at the dryer……and behind him……little Frankie, grinning on his bike, with a fresh plaster on his chin and a tooth in his hand.
Let me start by saying that this is a BORING FILM!!! Now i mean this in the obvious sense but also in the ‘I was close to BORING a hole through the cinema wall so I could watch ‘Astro Boy’ during the crap parts’ sense. It had me falling asleep more than a tired narcoleptic runner who had just ran a marathon. I seriously couldn't keep my eyes open, I felt like I needed one of those eye clamp things like in clockwork orange to keep them open. I should probably clarify that all parts WITH the wolfman were perfectly enjoyable however they were few and far apart. I loved the surprisingly ruthless brutality of his actions, the ample realism of the heavy CGI shots and the extra pot of warm cheese that came with my nachos…because lets face it, nachos without cheese is as appealing as a stale, half opened packet of Doritos at the back of a shelf in the supermarket……sorry, I’ve drifted……Wolfman……this film is done in a strong style which resembles the old classic werewolf horrors like ‘An American Werewolf in London’ or ‘Night of The Werewolf’ which is all fine, and actually a selling point for me. My issue with it, which is the only memorable opinion I have of this film is how mind-numbingly dull all the story/character developing scenes were. They were filled with tedious dialogue, soulless performances and prolonged gaps of dramatic pauses, and I'm a guy who hates dramatic…………………………pauses in dialogue. Its like after every sentence they speak their system needs to reset itself and start up again. You know what I'm talking about…a dude says something like “How do you know its him” and the other person is like o_O and goes into deep thought like it was the very last question on ‘Who Wants to be a Millionaire’ and spends a good minute staring into the other persons eyes looking all intense………and eventually, after you’ve made yourself a cup of tea and read the newspaper, goes “he has a lisp”…..followed but another dramatic pause…………which the audience obviously needs to absorb this information even though we sussed it out 20 minutes ago!!
I think a large part of this had to do with Benicio Del Toro who I entirely despise as an actor…I'm sure as a person he is a delightful addition to mankind, but as an actor he holds as much talent as one of those black & white clapper boards they use when filming before every shot. He’s like a less tolerable, Puerto Rican version of Keanu Reeves. As I watched his onscreen presence I couldn't help picturing his first ever audition for *quickly IMDBs Benicio’s first acting credit* Shell Game. I could just imagine him standing in a large room as the auditioner is shouting “GIVE ME ANGRY!!” and Benicio would wrinkle his nose and grit his teeth. Then he would shout “GIVE ME SAD!!!!” and Benicio would poke out his bottom lip. Now I admit I haven't watched many films with this dude and this is all said with very little conviction but I’m pretty sure you could get more emotion out of a sponge……with or without square pants. One thing that I cannot deny is the cinematography which was so well done that some of the shots held more story than the actual film did. It was truly remarkable, any one of those many artistic shots could be used as a poster. I would recommend this film for the werewolf shots that packed a punch like a fist in a lunchbox……great action scenes amongst the dominating dribble surrounding them. I would also recommend you bring a pillow and a mp3 player
a random add on my msn messenger - DO NOT CLICK ON ANY OF THE LINKS
TUNE OF DA DAY (ME) says:
TUNE OF DA DAY says:
*hey, who's this?
*i'm 21/f your a male right?
TUNE OF DA DAY says:
*im a robot with neither male or female counter-parts
*Ok, now you really lost me?? bot???
TUNE OF DA DAY says:
*yep, made from the finest empty bean cans
*nice, I just got off work and finally got some time to relax which site did i msg you from again?
TUNE OF DA DAY says:
*absolutely no idea, kinkyrobotsdothefunniestthings.com??
*I am a little busy right now, trying to upload some new pics to my photobucket if ya wanna check them out go http://photobucket.com/DivaBabe4u tell me what ya think :-)
TUNE OF DA DAY says:
*sure thing, right after I put my human skin in the wash, its getting a little dirty
*I know a way we can chat and have a better time.. do you have a cam?
TUNE OF DA DAY says:
*yep in each ankle
*Well i don't do msn cam or any other cam because i have been recorded before... But i do know one site you can watch me on cam, that assures me no one records...
TUNE OF DA DAY says:
*hahaha you crack me up, so whats this site called?
*Accept the invite, if you need the link again its http://short.ie/e3hstu
TUNE OF DA DAY says:
*I dont suppose your a giraffe are you? I just have a thing for giraffes with their sexy long necks and the way they chew on leaves with a face that says “Check me out eating these leaves, Im the man…i mean.…giraffe”
TUNE OF DA DAY says:
*HAHAHA well im afraid my xtronium battery has reached critical levels and I need to go recharge as the cameras in my ankles wont work and the one in my left shoulder blade is only 1.3 megapixels
*Ya, these are some of the most recent, http://photobucket.com/DivaBabe4u
TUNE OF DA DAY says:
*guess wat im wearin
*I mean... Do you want to see me on my cam?
TUNE OF DA DAY says:
*dont you wanna know wat im wearing?
*Ok go to http://twurl.nl/tprjtr accept the invite on the page baby
TUNE OF DA DAY says:
*hahahaha, funny how that address is different to the last one
*sweet, fill out the info ur info.. i can not wait for you to see me baby let me find something nice to wear
TUNE OF DA DAY says:
*yea you do that, preferably a giraffe costume. btw u totally spoiled my setup wen i said 'guess wat im wearin' i was gonna say "nothing IM A DAMN ROBOT" but oh well
* Like a transformer robot??
TUNE OF DA DAY says:
*was nice chattin but im off, hope u find sum1 else to send viruses to or take ur clothes off for, tip your waiters and never leave the hot water running, bye