Wednesday, 16 December 2009

Twilight: New Moon Review

OK *cracks knuckles* the first thing that immediately comes to me, like a well trained owl, is how BLOOMING WHINY THIS BELLA CHICK IS!!! Now I’m a man who can tolerate a fair share of whininess from hot girls BUT DAMMIT THERE IS ONLY SO MUCH A MAN CAN TAKE!!!!! Boohoo; Change me, I want sparkly skin too!! Boohoo; Don’t leave me, how will I make all the other girls jealous!! Boohoo; I’m miserable, I’m gonna sleep in the forest and let racoons nibble on my elbows!! Now, I don’t know if racoons reside in forests and I’m too lazy to wiki it but I know for certain that I would rather have a full body wax than hear her moany voice ever again!!!!!! How emo IS this girl!!! WHEN YOU MISS SOMEONE DO YOU SERIOUSLY SCREAM BLOODY MURDER EVERY NIGHT LIKE YOUR THE VICTIM OF AN EMINEM FANTASY!!! At least in the first movie they were a little more subtle about it. In this one it doesn’t go 5 seconds without a visit from the Emo-fairy releasing puffs of black dust full of confused, emotionally charged tendencies, and despondent desaturation. “There’s a hole in my chest”, “I don’t listen to music anymore”, “I’m gonna jump off a cliff to see what is probably a mirage of you”. SHE ACTUALLY JUMPS OFF A CLIFF!! ARE YOU FREAKIN KIDDING ME!!! IS THIS SERIOUSLY WHAT YOUR LEAD FEMALE CHARACTER IS PORTRAYING TO HER INSANELY ENORMOUS TEEN FANBASE!? THAT WHEN A GUY LEAVES YOU YOU GO PSYCHO AND JUMP OFF BLEEDING CLIFF’S!!! JEEZ!! and all her moaning is over the dumbest things ever!! Not because her mum died of cancer……not cause she was homeless and is forced to kill racoons for dinner……not cause she works 20 hours a day in mines looking for rare diamonds…no, instead its coz she cant be without a good looking immortal for more than an hour!! AND TELL ME THIS!! WHAT WAS UP WITH THE WEREWOLF BOY BEING TOPLESS ALL THE TIME!!!?? Oh no, your bleeding, let me take off my top. Oh no, Ginger Spice left the group, let me take off my top. Oh no, a racoon is chewing off my long artificial hair, let me take off my top……(i dunno, racoon on the brain I guess). I reckon this whole film is just so Pattinson and Lautner can walk down the red carpet again surrounded by teen girls…or at the very least, girly teens, and get their ego stroked like a chick with small hands to an inadequate, manhooded man.

I can say however that the CGI wolves were pretty darn snazzy. If I’m ever to get attacked by a werewolf I hope its as snazzy as the ones in this film……if not I may just disallow it from tearin me to shreds. Another thing I can take pleasure in was the welcomed lack of Robert Pattinson, although they did try to make up for it by having him topless near the end……an image I’ll keep quarantined in a 3-headed dog guarded room……along with the image of my aunty proving to herself that ‘she’s still got it’ by doing the Beyonce booty shake. People go on like these films are amazing but personally Id have more fun drawing a scar on my forehead and shouting ‘Wingardium Leviosa’. I yawned so much it looked like I was rehearsing a lion roar or summin. You cant just say your a good movie and expect everyone to believe it, in the same vein that I cant stick a Christmas tree up my butt and call myself an angel. Right, now if you’ll excuse me I have a lot of work to do if I’m to stop Eclipse from coming out next year………camera eating racoons!?………its worth a shot

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