Thursday, 17 December 2009

Santa’s On My Naughty List

I saw Santa today!! No, really!! He was in Bexleyheath shopping centre coming out of the toilets!! Which got me thinking……does Santa really have elf's that make all his toys or does he go to Argos and order like 100 of everything?? I mean, I know he can fly all around the world in one night and fit down chimneys that can barely accommodate a leg, but, having powers over thousands of little elf’s seem a tad unbelievable if you ask me. And what if it is true and he does have all these little dudes in funny curly shoes. Is he holding them there against their will?? Some sort of elf slavery!? What if they don’t want to make toys!? What if an elf had a degree in architectural design?? or 4 years of med school under his belt?? are they forced to work in his factory letting their skills and qualifications subside? Man, Santa is a hard-ass!! I reckon them poor elf’s feed him loads all year in hope that he gets so big he cant move and they can run away as fast as their little legs can carry them!! FEED HIM ICE-CREAM SPRINKLED WITH CHEESE!!! Poor elf’s……forced to wear silly hats that make them look uneducated. I bet they are insanely intelligent!! I bet they’re always telling Santa he should set up an email client to handle his mail so he doesn’t keep getting paper cuts from the many ‘Dear Santa’ letters. Bet they even revamped his Santa suit and put a zipper so he can have easy peeing access……speaking of which, I’ve never really thought of Santa needing the loo. What if he’s giving out presents and he had one too many glasses of milk?? does he pop outside and write his name in the snow?? or does he just use the owners toilet?? I mean, its one thing to break in, stretch out their chimney and eat cookies that may or may not be left out for you, but to use their toilet and leave the seat up……tut tut tut SHAME ON YOU SANTA!!! SHAME ON YOU!!!! WHY DON’T YOU TAKE A NAP IN THE SPARE ROOM WHILE YOUR AT IT HUH!!! OR TREAT YOUR SELF TO SOME WHITE WINE FROM THE FRINGE!! HELL, PUT ON THAT DRESSING GOWN, KICK BACK AND CHECK UP ON YOUR FACEBOOK PAGE MATE COZ AFTER ALL, YOU PUT A HOMEMADE OPTIMUS PRIME RIP-OFF ACTION FIGURE UNDER THE TREE!!!! YOU DISGUST ME!!!!!!!!!!

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