Thursday, 17 December 2009

Santa’s On My Naughty List

I saw Santa today!! No, really!! He was in Bexleyheath shopping centre coming out of the toilets!! Which got me thinking……does Santa really have elf's that make all his toys or does he go to Argos and order like 100 of everything?? I mean, I know he can fly all around the world in one night and fit down chimneys that can barely accommodate a leg, but, having powers over thousands of little elf’s seem a tad unbelievable if you ask me. And what if it is true and he does have all these little dudes in funny curly shoes. Is he holding them there against their will?? Some sort of elf slavery!? What if they don’t want to make toys!? What if an elf had a degree in architectural design?? or 4 years of med school under his belt?? are they forced to work in his factory letting their skills and qualifications subside? Man, Santa is a hard-ass!! I reckon them poor elf’s feed him loads all year in hope that he gets so big he cant move and they can run away as fast as their little legs can carry them!! FEED HIM ICE-CREAM SPRINKLED WITH CHEESE!!! Poor elf’s……forced to wear silly hats that make them look uneducated. I bet they are insanely intelligent!! I bet they’re always telling Santa he should set up an email client to handle his mail so he doesn’t keep getting paper cuts from the many ‘Dear Santa’ letters. Bet they even revamped his Santa suit and put a zipper so he can have easy peeing access……speaking of which, I’ve never really thought of Santa needing the loo. What if he’s giving out presents and he had one too many glasses of milk?? does he pop outside and write his name in the snow?? or does he just use the owners toilet?? I mean, its one thing to break in, stretch out their chimney and eat cookies that may or may not be left out for you, but to use their toilet and leave the seat up……tut tut tut SHAME ON YOU SANTA!!! SHAME ON YOU!!!! WHY DON’T YOU TAKE A NAP IN THE SPARE ROOM WHILE YOUR AT IT HUH!!! OR TREAT YOUR SELF TO SOME WHITE WINE FROM THE FRINGE!! HELL, PUT ON THAT DRESSING GOWN, KICK BACK AND CHECK UP ON YOUR FACEBOOK PAGE MATE COZ AFTER ALL, YOU PUT A HOMEMADE OPTIMUS PRIME RIP-OFF ACTION FIGURE UNDER THE TREE!!!! YOU DISGUST ME!!!!!!!!!!

Wednesday, 16 December 2009

The Interview

As I wonder about the shop waiting to be collected by my interviewer I cant help but smirking at how focused I am about this interview. I had done my meaningless research, dressed appropriately to match their indie-esque style and had even listened to indie music on the bus ride coming up. I had my answers prepared, covering a vast variety of subjects and was ready for anything they could throw at me, like some sort of dodgeball guru. I also have what I call my ‘Golden answer’ which gift wraps every cliché interviewers want to hear in a modest and personal answer to the question ‘What do you like about Retail?’ which might also be disguised as ‘What do you like about Sales?’ or ‘Why do you want to work in Retail?’. The only thing that could throw me off my game was if the interviewer was a gorgeous babe with a sexy voice. I’m then called over by a gorgeous babe who introduces herself and tells me in a sexy voice that she will be conducting the interview……bugga!!

Despite the elaborate cleavage……err……i mean eyes, that I’m sure will acquire more viewings than The Dark Knight’s opening weekend, I manage to remain focused as though I had temporarily turned gay. She takes me through a 6 page print-out that has over 20 questions. I’m quick with my answers, witty with my remarks and maintain confident body language and presence. I even brush off thoughts of her moonlighting as a call girl on evenings……thoughts that later resumed on the bus ride back. Around mid-point in the interview she asks me a straight forward, pablum question. But not just any question. THE GOLDEN QUESTION!! “What do you like about retail?”. “Well…” I say with a smile, as I prepare to dazzle her. “I genuinely like retail because it’s so busy, I enjoy working in fast paced environments, there are always things to do, especially with this stores location…” I somehow continue to smile without using my mouth because I am reciting this answer word for word how I had written it. “…also I love the customers I know most people hate customers deep down but I think they keep a job interesting, I love the interaction, there is a great feeling knowing you have provided good assistance to someone, even when dealing with rude or difficult customers, knowing you kept calm and dealt with the situation with understanding and professionalism…and get a good result from a position like that, its a really good feeling”. I put my hand on my chest, nod my head and let out a heartfelt tear. NAILED IT!! She buys into the false sincerity, welling up herself and jotting some notes down……ok so maybe I’m exaggerating with the tears but dammit when the film of my life comes out, that’s how it will happen!!

I’m on a high, nothing can ruin this!! I was like an accompanying picture next to a ‘How to do a good interview’ article. I envision myself teaching a class on interview techniques, and insisting pizza is the new apple to the teachers pet. “Ok, what do you enjoy about sales?” the lady says interrupting my thoughts. Huh!!………WHAT!?……but…BUT……THAT’S THE SAME QUESTION!!! YOU CANT JUST REPHRASE A QUESTION YOU HAVE JUST ASKED!!!……I wrack my brain trying to come up with a good response but all that’s coming to me is stuff I had just said!! CANT SHE SEE SHE HAS JUST ASKED ME THE SAME QUESTION TWICE!! Can I just say “See above”?? Time is ticking away, I look at her as she notices the desperation in my eyes, but I have nothing!! I cant repeat stuff I have already said!! I have nothing!! I’m completely blank!! Blanker than a blank dictionary with nothing but the definition of the word blank………hold on……I’VE ALREADY USED THAT IN ‘SMALL TALK’!!! AAAARRRGGHHH!!!

It was like trying to un-pause my brain with a remote without batteries. It feels like I’m falling down a large staircase, tumbling so hard you would think I was blogging. This must look so bad!! Worse than when I whipped out the lip balm when that girl shouted ‘kiss my ass’………or the time I spent 15 minutes in hmv considering whether buying a Miley Cyrus 2010 calendar was a step too far. The lady eventually grows tired of my embarrassing silence and tells me we can come back to the question later. She continues to fire questions at me but I fail miserably in trying to regain my rhythm. I’m all over the place, only partially focused on the questions being asked and mainly on how much damage that skipped one had done. Three quarters of the way through I realise it was hopeless, the few minutes of bad had undone the initial brilliance I had started with. My face by that ‘How to do a good interview’ article had been replaced with some shhhmuck in a bow-tie. I call it a day, put myself on auto-pilot and spend the rest of the interview looking at her “eyes”.

Twilight: New Moon Review

OK *cracks knuckles* the first thing that immediately comes to me, like a well trained owl, is how BLOOMING WHINY THIS BELLA CHICK IS!!! Now I’m a man who can tolerate a fair share of whininess from hot girls BUT DAMMIT THERE IS ONLY SO MUCH A MAN CAN TAKE!!!!! Boohoo; Change me, I want sparkly skin too!! Boohoo; Don’t leave me, how will I make all the other girls jealous!! Boohoo; I’m miserable, I’m gonna sleep in the forest and let racoons nibble on my elbows!! Now, I don’t know if racoons reside in forests and I’m too lazy to wiki it but I know for certain that I would rather have a full body wax than hear her moany voice ever again!!!!!! How emo IS this girl!!! WHEN YOU MISS SOMEONE DO YOU SERIOUSLY SCREAM BLOODY MURDER EVERY NIGHT LIKE YOUR THE VICTIM OF AN EMINEM FANTASY!!! At least in the first movie they were a little more subtle about it. In this one it doesn’t go 5 seconds without a visit from the Emo-fairy releasing puffs of black dust full of confused, emotionally charged tendencies, and despondent desaturation. “There’s a hole in my chest”, “I don’t listen to music anymore”, “I’m gonna jump off a cliff to see what is probably a mirage of you”. SHE ACTUALLY JUMPS OFF A CLIFF!! ARE YOU FREAKIN KIDDING ME!!! IS THIS SERIOUSLY WHAT YOUR LEAD FEMALE CHARACTER IS PORTRAYING TO HER INSANELY ENORMOUS TEEN FANBASE!? THAT WHEN A GUY LEAVES YOU YOU GO PSYCHO AND JUMP OFF BLEEDING CLIFF’S!!! JEEZ!! and all her moaning is over the dumbest things ever!! Not because her mum died of cancer……not cause she was homeless and is forced to kill racoons for dinner……not cause she works 20 hours a day in mines looking for rare diamonds…no, instead its coz she cant be without a good looking immortal for more than an hour!! AND TELL ME THIS!! WHAT WAS UP WITH THE WEREWOLF BOY BEING TOPLESS ALL THE TIME!!!?? Oh no, your bleeding, let me take off my top. Oh no, Ginger Spice left the group, let me take off my top. Oh no, a racoon is chewing off my long artificial hair, let me take off my top……(i dunno, racoon on the brain I guess). I reckon this whole film is just so Pattinson and Lautner can walk down the red carpet again surrounded by teen girls…or at the very least, girly teens, and get their ego stroked like a chick with small hands to an inadequate, manhooded man.

I can say however that the CGI wolves were pretty darn snazzy. If I’m ever to get attacked by a werewolf I hope its as snazzy as the ones in this film……if not I may just disallow it from tearin me to shreds. Another thing I can take pleasure in was the welcomed lack of Robert Pattinson, although they did try to make up for it by having him topless near the end……an image I’ll keep quarantined in a 3-headed dog guarded room……along with the image of my aunty proving to herself that ‘she’s still got it’ by doing the Beyonce booty shake. People go on like these films are amazing but personally Id have more fun drawing a scar on my forehead and shouting ‘Wingardium Leviosa’. I yawned so much it looked like I was rehearsing a lion roar or summin. You cant just say your a good movie and expect everyone to believe it, in the same vein that I cant stick a Christmas tree up my butt and call myself an angel. Right, now if you’ll excuse me I have a lot of work to do if I’m to stop Eclipse from coming out next year………camera eating racoons!?………its worth a shot