Monday, 23 November 2009

2012 Review

2012_poster_2 2009

After seeing this film i am convinced that Roland Emmerich harbours some deep seeded hatred for the world he resides in. Here is a man who has undoubtedly destroyed the earth on a number of occasions in his mind and ultimately cinematized a few of these thoughts into Hollywood blockbusters. He is a dangerous guy and to be honest I would prefer he direct his movies from a padded cell somewhere via webcam. Don’t get me wrong, I think the man is a great, I just don't want him to get carried away one day and say “you know what's cheaper than paying those bloody 3D artists heaps of dollars? NUCLEAR WEAPONS!! does anyone have George Bush’s number?”. I personally never grow tired of seeing the world attacked, whether it be through alien invasion, excessive flooding or cataclysmic destruction keeping an appointment marked on their Mayan calendar right next to a dentist appointment. I love it!! So much so that the people in my screening were treated to an additional show of destruction consisting of me standing on my seat, gritting my teeth while I ripped my ticket in half……footage that's bound to make it on the dvd’s bonus features. Some say this is no more a film than a budding post graduate’s VFX showreel however I disagree. Fair enough the story isn't the strongest we have ever seen but I’m sure it could beat Brock Lesner in an arm wrestle. Yes we have the mindless annihilating but there is a sub plot that is somewhat reminiscent of Stephen Spielbergs’s War Of The Worlds. Except John Cusack is the new Tom Cruise playing the well-intentioned, feckless father with a dissilient relationship with his son. But I ask you, people, do you want to see a man reconcile with his family OR DO YOU WANNA SEE CRAP GET BLOWN UP!!!!! C’MON, WE ALL KNOW I’M A SHALLOW MOVIE LOVER WHO WOULD RATHER SEE A WATERMELON GET HIT WITH A ROCKET THAN SEE PEOPLE SHARING THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS!! THIS IS WHY I PICK YOUTUBE OVER FACEBOOK ANY DAY!! Therefore, I declare ‘2012’ a mind-blowing success!! It does what it says on the tin so if your not interested in pulchritudinous world subversion and relentless massacre then keep walking and perhaps get the tin of beans further down the isle. This is entertainment in its purest form, organic entertainment if you will.


Ok i think its safe to say *sniff sniff* that not all films are for entertainment purposes *wipes tear from face* and some are actually made to warn us of potential world ending events. And now, *uncontrollable sobbing* as buildings around me come crashing down……and Sri Lanka drifts and settles next to a horizontal Big Ben……I would like to say SORRY ROLAND EMMERICH!! So you got it wrong before, we had no visit from Godzilla……and we penalized you for that 10,000 BC rubbish, BUT DAMMIT YOU KNEW THIS DAY WOULD COME AND YOU TRIED YOUR HARDEST TO MAKES US AWARE BUT WE JUST GIGGLED IN YOUR FACE AND PASSED AROUND POPCORN EVEN THOUGH THE KERNELS GOT STUCK IN OUR TEETH!! WHO KNEW THAT BOY WHO CRIED WOLF WAS ACTUALLY NOSTRADAMUS IN DISGUISE!! *sniff* IF I SURVIVE THE WAVE OF FALLING INFLAMED ROCK FRAGMENTS, THE COCA-COLA LORRY CLAIMING THE HOLIDAYS ARE COMING THAT'S HURLING TOWARDS ME, AND THE INTOXICATING SMOKE THAT’S INVADING MY LUNGS FROM THE FIRE THAT IS TURNING MY 3 FLOORED HOUSE INTO A BUNGALOW, THEN I WILL SHAKE YOUR HAND MR EMMERICH……*wipes more tears from face*………AND GRAB YOUR GIRLFRIEND’S LEFT BUTT CHEEK……*sniff sniff*……COZ LETS FACE IT, PEOPLE WILL HAVE A LOT MORE TO WORRY ABOUT THAN THIS YOUNG SURVIVOR WHO GRABBED A LADY’S LEFT BUTT CHEEK *sniff sni……

1 comment:

imjoey said...

"It does what it says on the tin so if your not interested in pulchritudinous world subversion and relentless massacre then keep walking and perhaps get the tin of beans further down the aisle."

wow! "pulchritudinous" amazing!!
bless you, this review is mind blowing, bet its more mind blowing than the film. awww with the crying :p
you're like cheese and wine and peppermint pudding, the longer its there, the better it seems! (not sure about the wine, but that's what i've heard people say :p). you're like those songs that you love even more the more time you listen to it. i eagerly await 20 years time, cos your writing then will be astronomically phenomenal!!