Monday, 23 November 2009

2012 Review

2012_poster_2 2009

After seeing this film i am convinced that Roland Emmerich harbours some deep seeded hatred for the world he resides in. Here is a man who has undoubtedly destroyed the earth on a number of occasions in his mind and ultimately cinematized a few of these thoughts into Hollywood blockbusters. He is a dangerous guy and to be honest I would prefer he direct his movies from a padded cell somewhere via webcam. Don’t get me wrong, I think the man is a great, I just don't want him to get carried away one day and say “you know what's cheaper than paying those bloody 3D artists heaps of dollars? NUCLEAR WEAPONS!! does anyone have George Bush’s number?”. I personally never grow tired of seeing the world attacked, whether it be through alien invasion, excessive flooding or cataclysmic destruction keeping an appointment marked on their Mayan calendar right next to a dentist appointment. I love it!! So much so that the people in my screening were treated to an additional show of destruction consisting of me standing on my seat, gritting my teeth while I ripped my ticket in half……footage that's bound to make it on the dvd’s bonus features. Some say this is no more a film than a budding post graduate’s VFX showreel however I disagree. Fair enough the story isn't the strongest we have ever seen but I’m sure it could beat Brock Lesner in an arm wrestle. Yes we have the mindless annihilating but there is a sub plot that is somewhat reminiscent of Stephen Spielbergs’s War Of The Worlds. Except John Cusack is the new Tom Cruise playing the well-intentioned, feckless father with a dissilient relationship with his son. But I ask you, people, do you want to see a man reconcile with his family OR DO YOU WANNA SEE CRAP GET BLOWN UP!!!!! C’MON, WE ALL KNOW I’M A SHALLOW MOVIE LOVER WHO WOULD RATHER SEE A WATERMELON GET HIT WITH A ROCKET THAN SEE PEOPLE SHARING THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS!! THIS IS WHY I PICK YOUTUBE OVER FACEBOOK ANY DAY!! Therefore, I declare ‘2012’ a mind-blowing success!! It does what it says on the tin so if your not interested in pulchritudinous world subversion and relentless massacre then keep walking and perhaps get the tin of beans further down the isle. This is entertainment in its purest form, organic entertainment if you will.


Ok i think its safe to say *sniff sniff* that not all films are for entertainment purposes *wipes tear from face* and some are actually made to warn us of potential world ending events. And now, *uncontrollable sobbing* as buildings around me come crashing down……and Sri Lanka drifts and settles next to a horizontal Big Ben……I would like to say SORRY ROLAND EMMERICH!! So you got it wrong before, we had no visit from Godzilla……and we penalized you for that 10,000 BC rubbish, BUT DAMMIT YOU KNEW THIS DAY WOULD COME AND YOU TRIED YOUR HARDEST TO MAKES US AWARE BUT WE JUST GIGGLED IN YOUR FACE AND PASSED AROUND POPCORN EVEN THOUGH THE KERNELS GOT STUCK IN OUR TEETH!! WHO KNEW THAT BOY WHO CRIED WOLF WAS ACTUALLY NOSTRADAMUS IN DISGUISE!! *sniff* IF I SURVIVE THE WAVE OF FALLING INFLAMED ROCK FRAGMENTS, THE COCA-COLA LORRY CLAIMING THE HOLIDAYS ARE COMING THAT'S HURLING TOWARDS ME, AND THE INTOXICATING SMOKE THAT’S INVADING MY LUNGS FROM THE FIRE THAT IS TURNING MY 3 FLOORED HOUSE INTO A BUNGALOW, THEN I WILL SHAKE YOUR HAND MR EMMERICH……*wipes more tears from face*………AND GRAB YOUR GIRLFRIEND’S LEFT BUTT CHEEK……*sniff sniff*……COZ LETS FACE IT, PEOPLE WILL HAVE A LOT MORE TO WORRY ABOUT THAN THIS YOUNG SURVIVOR WHO GRABBED A LADY’S LEFT BUTT CHEEK *sniff sni……

Saturday, 7 November 2009

Jennifer’s Body Review

jennifers-body-poster1-560x828 Erm…ok, let me start by saying WATCHING THIS FILM WAS THE MOST TORTUROUS THING I’VE EVER HAD TO ENDURE!! AND IM A FORMER SAW VICTIM!!!  I HATED IT!! I ABSOLUTELY HATED IT!!! Now some would argue “Dan, how could you hate this film, it has Megan Fox in it”……and I would reply “YOU OBNOXIOUS, DESPICABLE, WORTHLESS, SON OF THREE TABLE SPOONS!!!!!” then I’d drop-kick them for being so shallow. Yes Megan Fox sometimes has an attractive quality about her, you know, once the three tubs of make-up is applied, but seriously, If your gonna watch this film for her then your better off doing a google image search. She just seems so slutty in this film its a major turn off. Its like she is purposely portraying the image people condemned her as……but anyway where was I?…ahh yes………THIS FILM IS SOOOOO RUBBISH EVERYBODY INVOLVED IN IT’S EXISTENCE SHOULD BE STRIPPED DOWN, CUT INTO BITE-SIZE PIECES AND SOLD IN SUPERMARKETS IN TOWNS WHERE CANNIBALISM IS LEGAL!!!!! I would rather trade places with a British soldier being held hostage by Iraqi extremists than watch that film again!! I would gladly be held solely responsible for the catastrophic world Armageddon events of 2012 (you’ve seen the posters) ID RATHER BE BLAMED FOR THAT THAN WATCH THIS PIGEON POOP AGAIN!!! This film should be locked away in a steel volt surrounded by a circle of fire, garlic and kryptonite!!! Jennifer’s body my ass!!……(hmmm)……In fact, had this film been 90mins of camera footage of Jennifer’s “Body” alone, it would have made a far better film. I knew it was gonna be pants, why didn’t I listen to my instincts!!! I thought coz its the same writer as ‘Juno’ (Diablo Cody) it would have at least a few elements of charm and wit, BUT NO!!! Diablo should be ashamed of herself!! If I was her I’d migrate somewhere. Build myself a lil igloo and chill out til this whole thing blows over. If I was the Oscars I’d take that ‘Juno’ award back and tell her to go back to stripping!!. To be fair the premise was a treat of possibilities but they chose to have Megan Fox’s Harry Potternss over select males as the driving force…BIG MISTAKE!!! Ok I must admit there was one scene that I liked but girl on girl smoochin is a thumbs up in any situation……I could be watching Laa-Laa kissin Po and throw my thumbs up like I’m trying to guide an incoming aeroplane. All in all this film is a major fail!! WARNING: NOT SUITABLE FOR OXYGEN DEPENDANT BEINGS

Friday, 6 November 2009



Why Not All Dogs Go To Heaven

SONY DSC I open the front door and Buster is looking up at me with a mixture of excitement, angst, and impatience. Now, I haven’t had that cocktail of feelings for a while but I don’t recall circling around on the spot as he is currently doing, which usually indicates he’s about to do a poo. This leads to his lead wrapping around his neck…he lowers his head embarrassed. I should probably make clear that Buster is a dog that I’m looking after for a few days and not a little child on a leash I have locked up, that has never seen natural daylight. It is time for Busters evening walk and there is nothing he likes more than to go on one of his walks……well, actually, that’s a fairly loose statement as I’ve only been with him for a couple of days……for all I know he enjoys lemon flavoured cake icing or classic episodes of Blossom more than these walks. Maybe he hates these walks and the only reason he is excited is because we pass a window where a Persian cat resides who is fairly attractive even to me. I unwrap the lead from around his neck and we are on our way. We embrace the evening twilight……hey i didn’t want to use the word but that’s what we were embracing……if we had something else to embrace I would have said it but there wasn’t……ok fine, but only coz I don’t like that word either……we embrace the wooden fence we pass. Buster is happy, wagging his tail left to right and right to left like windscreen wipers during heavy downpour. He looks like a right little explorer, inspecting every nook and cranny, I reach into my pockets to give him my Sherlock Holmes hat, pipe and magnifying glass but then remember I have none of those items. I make a mental note to get them, for no man should be without a Sherlock Holmes pipe. Buster continues to sniff about like he is looking for some missing treasure. I tell him “Johnny Depp has probably snatched that up already” but it doesn’t faze him. It amuses me how he stops at every single tree, bin, and lamp-post to have a little pee, which he then sniffs to make sure he has hit his target. I’m surprised how much pee this little dog has. A LOT!! A LOTTA PEE!! We’re 70% water but this dog is 70% pee. Anyone would think he had been deprived of peeing privileges all his life. I smile as I realise I needn’t fear getting lost as I could follow the trail of Buster branded pee all the way home. If only Hanzel and Gretel had a dog they could have enjoyed a nice sandwich on their journey, ah well. I suddenly feel extremely ‘mature’ and ‘responsible’ walking a dog. I want to climb up some mountain and shout “HEY, LOOK AT ME!! I’M WALKING A DOG!!! I’M RESPONSIBLE!!! I’M MATURE!!! I CAN DO YOUR TAXES!! I CAN INSURE YOUR HOUSEHOLD POSSESSIONS!!!”. This is short-lived as I see a young boy walking his dog who probably cant even spell ‘possessions’.

We reach the window with the Persian cat and I stop to give Buster a chance to put his drooling skills to good use. He doesn’t seem bothered and looks away but I don’t buy it. I’m less convinced than when my granddad wore a birthday badge saying ‘20 today’. As we head off again I notice Buster is dragging me more than usual……I mean he’s practically walking me!!!…he’s like a herd of horses while I’m just Cinderella's pumpkin chariot, which, to be fair is quite normal but he is really stepping on the gas at the moment. This doesn’t distract his explorer duties. Now he just explores twice as fast putting Dora to shame……don’t judge me for that reference…how else am I to learn Spanish!! I’m dragged a few blocks before Buster hits the brakes and parallel parks outside a house. I look across the lawn and through a window I see ‘I Am Legend’ playing on a large flatscreen TV. I stand there looking at how amazing the film looks in HD, fully aware I was a stranger looking through someone’s living room window. It wasn’t the first time but at least this time I don’t have binoculaaaaa…“aaAAHHH BUSTER NOOOO!!!”. He is circling and his face reads no signs of angst or impatience. I try to pull him away from the lawn but my efforts are met by a force of resistance that is only familiar to contestants of the “World’s Strongest Men; Tug Of War” competition. Buster had suddenly become an immoveable object, like I had tied a rope around a building and was trying to shift it. Buster postures up…arching his back…spreading his legs…tilting his head to the left. I tug again at the leash but to no avail. Its pointless, absolutely pointless!! I may as well be peeing on a pregnancy test stick!! I give in and let him do his thing……man, Will Smith really nailed that part…look at him too shy to talk to that mannequin……just go talk to it……go on, she wont bite……hey, why has he frozen……who paused the film!! so rude!!! But then it happens…a man comes to the window and looks directly at me.

“AARGH!!” I look down at Buster hoping by now he had finished his business but no, he is still perched there with a newspaper as casual as ever. How long does it take!! I look back up at the window and the man has now drawn his attention to Buster with his eyebrows so low they might as well be on his chin. Now I’m panicking!! I eat a can of spinach and try again to pull Buster away but again nothing. HAVE YOU BEEN LIFTING WEIGHTS WHILE I SLEEP!! I hear shouting coming from the house and as much as Id like to think its a warning to Will Smith to kill the zombie on the left, I’m pretty sure its from the man watching a stranger let his dog deposit faeces on his front lawn. I look up again but the man has disappeared. I then hear the rattling of door locks “OH SHIZZLEWAPPS!!!!” I say……no really… “BUSTER WE GOTTA GO!!”. Buster takes a few steps then sits down on a clear part of grass to wipe his butt. “NO TIME FOR THAT BUSTER, C’MON!!”. The door opens unleashing a harmony of F-this and F-that. MY HEART IS BEATING LIKE AN AFRIKAN TRIBAL DRUM!! “BUSTER!!!” I yell. Buster has one more courtesy shuffle then gets up and we leg it down the road leaving a very angry man and a suffocating fetor behind us. What a close call I think to myself, that guy was about to eat ME up and return the favour on MY front lawn!! We reach my house and as I open the front door Buster starts circling again. “DUDE SERIOUSLY!!! WHAT ARE YOU, 70% PEE AND 30% POO!?”. I unwrap the lead from around his neck. He lowers his head embarrassed and drags me inside.