Wednesday, 19 August 2009

The Job Of My Dreams

So I'm sitting in a a very posh looking reception with my interview smile on, my interview shoes on and my interview tie strangling me half to death. I have an interview. All is good. I feel confident, the only problem is I also feel extremely tired!! I had spent most of the night before trying to cram meaningless information about the company into my brain. It felt like I had gone back in time and was guzzling down Red Bulls and trying to learn 2 years of GCSE science in one night before my exam……(which probably explains the double ‘E’ grade I was awarded)……erm……sorry my brother just farted……I’ve lost my trail of thought……JEEZ THAT STINKS!!!……ok, where was I?………no seriously, THAT REEKS!!! THAT COULD KNOCKOUT A MAMMOTH!! A MAMMOTH BUILT LIKE A HOUSE!! CALLED BRIAN BRICK!! WHO DRINKS PROTEIN SHAKES MADE OF LIQUEFIED IRON!!!……ok…ok…sorry, yea so I’m sitting there waiting to be called in by the interviewer who I imagine to be a moody old lady who hates life, hates the company and takes out her frustration on young, unsuspecting interviewees. I look around, the receptionist is busy tappy-tapping on her keyboard and repeatedly  answering calls. I figure she is hacking into Facebook accounts and corresponding with her associate ‘Shikha’ in India on best ways to cover her tracks. I’m onto you lady!! If I get home and my status reads “Daniel Jackson still wets the bed” I’ll be onto you like fly’s on nappies……who’s owners have diarrhoea!! The lady suddenly drops the phone, looks up at me and shouts “YOU STOLE MY LEMONS!!!”. “What the…………I certainly did not steal your lemons!!” I mumble nervously. She continues to look at me in disgust. I could read her face like a book!! Chapter I; IM GONNA KILL YOU………Chapter II; IM GONNA FEED YOUR CORPSE TO A HOMELESS HAMSTER……Chapter III; LUNCH BREAK. I sit there looking Bedazzled with a face like Brendan Fraser. She hops up onto the desk, revealing an odd pair of fluffy slippers with the face of Trevor McDonald on them, and starts stomping her feet. “GIVE ME BACK MY LEMONS!!!” she bellows. Believe me, if I had them I would definitely give them back, I don't want Trevor McDonald’s face up my butt!! But in any case, is that the way to ask for them back?? You cant just yell out demands!! It didn't work when Aerosmith screamed ‘WALK THIS WAY’ and it wont work now!! She drops down in front of her desk and begins walking towards me. “Oh crap” I think. “Trevor’s about to give me the 10 o’clock news first hand!! She stops inches away from me and proceeds to give me a……LAP DANCE!?………hang on a second…………oh no………no, no, NO, NOOOOOO!!!!! IM ASLEEP!!!!! WAAAAKE UP!!!!!!

There is a flash of white light and I’m suddenly back in a reception where the receptionist is busy tappy-tapping on her keyboard and repeatedly  answering calls. Whoa…that’s not good!! I do a quick dribble check, pinch myself to help me stay alert, then check my bag to make sure no lemons were there…(there’s no telling what came after that lap dance). After a few minutes I feel my head jerk back……STAY AWAKE DAMMIT!! YOU AREN'T GONNA GET A JOB IF THEY FIND YOU CURLED UP IN A BALL SLEEPING AND SUCKING YOUR THUMB!!! I stand up and walk to a painting on the wall. Its of a mermaid. It’s so life-like, the colours are amazing and the brushstrokes so elaborate. I raise my hand and run my finger over the painting to fully appreciate the texture……Outta nowhere the painting starts falling and my reflexes kick in, unfortunately they actually kick in. I throw my leg forward somehow hoping my foot would stop it from dropping but instead, rips a lovely hole through the heart of the canvas. SWEET NIBBLETS!!! MY INTERVIEW SHOES ARE INBETWEEN A MERMAIDS BREASTS!! I turn to the receptionist expecting to see her aiming a shotgun at me. She seems more interested in this lady who is viciously walking towards me. I'm a dead man!! As the lady gets closer I realise I know this person, and as a result I let out a very surprised and confused “mummy!?”

“WHAT HAVE YOU DONE!!” She yells with such force that I’m gusted against the wall. “That was a present from Nicole!!” she says pointing to the receptionist. What’s going on?……Why’s my mum here?……and how does she know this lemon crazed, Facebook profile hacker!!! “Daniel!?”. I cant possibly be sleeping again…IM STANDING UP!! “Daniel!?”. I look down at the painting…ITS VANISHED!! and I’m sitting down in my seat!! “Daniel!? do you want to follow me please!”, my mum continues. Is she gonna have me arrested!! It wasn't that good of a painting!! “DANIEL!!!” “MUM I HAVE TO STUDY, I HAVE MY DOUBLE SCIENCE EXAM IN THE MORNING!!!” I reply. everything fades to black like ‘Just For Men’. I open my eyes and a lady is standing above me. “Daniel!?” she says. “Do you want to follow me please!”. “What’s the point” I think, as I follow the her through the building. She sits me down in a room that has a strong dominating scent. I look at the cup the she is taking a sip from………lemon tea………hmm, interesting.

1 comment:

Colin said...

lol, funny and really confusing at the same time :P