Saturday, 22 August 2009

‘Crazy’ On Board

So I'm sitting on the train blowing my nose, scratching my left butt cheek and trying to get out a bit of turkey wedged between my teeth, none of which is relevant to this story but sharing is caring. I look around the carriage at all the angry rhinos in business suits giving each other judgemental looks and generally being angry and miserable. Id be the same if I had to wear a suit all the time. Maybe they should switch it up and throw on a tux…have you ever seen a miserable penguin? So anyway among the crowd (which by the way is emitting a disgusting ‘hard days work’ sorta stanch into the air) I see a man. He is about 40 years old, wearing a grey suit and has a very dignified look about him. Believe it or not that is not what made me spot him out the crowd (as much as I like the look of dignified 40 year old men in suits). It was in fact a very noticeable travelcard he had sticking out his forcefully clenched lips. Now, I understand the clenching of the lips because lets face it, if anyone stole his travelcard he would be in a whole heap of dragon poop. What I didn't understand was WHY exactly he had the travelcard in his mouth in the first place!! I observe him further to see if maybe he was in transition, perhaps he was organising himself and ran out of hands……you know how it is……sometimes you have a phone in one hand, a melon in the other, and no way of holding up your travelcard. Alternatively sometimes you have a photo in one hand, lotion in the other and no way of performing the task which you have these items for. I inspect the man as if he was trying to smuggle fish n chips out the country to reveal our secret recipe to the rest of the world. I couldn’t let that happen!! What else would we have for people to associate us with??……BAD WEATHER!! NOT ON MY WATCH!! He didn't appear to be organising himself…nor did he look like he had chips and a bit of Cod stashed away in his pockets. I was confused, but more so, I was curious! There in the middle of a heavily packed train is a man…in a suit…with a travelcard hanging out his mouth…somehow looking DIGNIFIED!! This guy is crazy!! Like someone rubbing 2 lighters together trying to start a fire……or the person who said “Hey, lets make a parody movie on superheroes” ……or Mariah Carey for thinking she could verbally outdo Eminem!!

As I stare at him, it occurs to me I'm staring at him, which is probably why he spots me and turns to stare at me. This is usually where I realise I’ve been caught staring and turn away all red, or as red as my skin pigment will allow. This was different though. This time I couldn’t turn away!! Like I was in a trance!! Like he was hypnotising me with his dignified eyes and the power of the travelcard. Was this the start of something?? Would I then stick MY travelcard in MY mouth and stare at someone else until they have a mouth of pre-paid train freedom?? Like some highly contagious virus that cant be stopped until every single person on earth has one in their mouth!! What kinda world would that be!! A world where people hum words down their mobiles!! A world where couples flick travelcards together romantically instead of kissing!! A world where all food is deposited through straws!! I CANT LIVE IN A WORLD LIKE THAT!!! PIZZA SLICE MILKSHAKES!? AGAIN, NOT ON MY WATCH (note to self; buy watch with more features). Luckily he breaks eye contact and turns away before I was completely in his control. I then feel the need to take a photo of him on my phone. It could have been to show my friends this crazy nut or it could have been to get his face shown on the 10 o’clock news to warn people of his dictating, mind-control powers, I cant quite remember. I slowly take out my phone and pretend to type out a text message, holding the phone up just high enough to see over the chair in front of me. The lady sitting beside me looks rather worried but I was doing it for her own good, along with the thousands of others unaware of this evil mans plans of world domination!!

[Menu]……[Camera]……[Photo mode]……hang on, why’s it so blurry!!!…blast, its on night mode!!…[Settings]……[Normal mode]……focus……FOCUS!!……oh crap!!……he’s spotted me!! he’s staring at me again!! I look away only to be staring face to face with the lady next to me who seems more disturbed by me trying taking to take a picture of the man with a travelcard in his mouth than the actual man WITH A TRAVELCARD IN HIS MOUTH!! I giggle nervously which in hindsight may have been a bad move as it attracted the attention of the surrounding passengers. I look from one pair of eyes to the next…and the next (then 3 more after that) with a dumb distorted smile on my face as they stare at me. Now its all eyes on me. The man, the lady, and everyone else within earshot of my giggle are looking at me like I'm off my rocket. “HOLD ON A SECOND!!” I want to yell “IM NOT THE CRAZY ONE!! IM NOT CRAZY!! HE IS!! THE GUY WITH A BLOODY TRAVELCARD IN HIS MOUTH!!……IM NOT CRAZY!!…LOOK HE’S SMUGGLING FISH N CHIPS!!”. I look back at the man but there is no travelcard!! Just a 40 year old man…in a grey suit…looking dignified!! I look down at my feet and go red, or as red as my skin pigment will allow……I'm not crazy :(

Wednesday, 19 August 2009

The Job Of My Dreams

So I'm sitting in a a very posh looking reception with my interview smile on, my interview shoes on and my interview tie strangling me half to death. I have an interview. All is good. I feel confident, the only problem is I also feel extremely tired!! I had spent most of the night before trying to cram meaningless information about the company into my brain. It felt like I had gone back in time and was guzzling down Red Bulls and trying to learn 2 years of GCSE science in one night before my exam……(which probably explains the double ‘E’ grade I was awarded)……erm……sorry my brother just farted……I’ve lost my trail of thought……JEEZ THAT STINKS!!!……ok, where was I?………no seriously, THAT REEKS!!! THAT COULD KNOCKOUT A MAMMOTH!! A MAMMOTH BUILT LIKE A HOUSE!! CALLED BRIAN BRICK!! WHO DRINKS PROTEIN SHAKES MADE OF LIQUEFIED IRON!!!……ok…ok…sorry, yea so I’m sitting there waiting to be called in by the interviewer who I imagine to be a moody old lady who hates life, hates the company and takes out her frustration on young, unsuspecting interviewees. I look around, the receptionist is busy tappy-tapping on her keyboard and repeatedly  answering calls. I figure she is hacking into Facebook accounts and corresponding with her associate ‘Shikha’ in India on best ways to cover her tracks. I’m onto you lady!! If I get home and my status reads “Daniel Jackson still wets the bed” I’ll be onto you like fly’s on nappies……who’s owners have diarrhoea!! The lady suddenly drops the phone, looks up at me and shouts “YOU STOLE MY LEMONS!!!”. “What the…………I certainly did not steal your lemons!!” I mumble nervously. She continues to look at me in disgust. I could read her face like a book!! Chapter I; IM GONNA KILL YOU………Chapter II; IM GONNA FEED YOUR CORPSE TO A HOMELESS HAMSTER……Chapter III; LUNCH BREAK. I sit there looking Bedazzled with a face like Brendan Fraser. She hops up onto the desk, revealing an odd pair of fluffy slippers with the face of Trevor McDonald on them, and starts stomping her feet. “GIVE ME BACK MY LEMONS!!!” she bellows. Believe me, if I had them I would definitely give them back, I don't want Trevor McDonald’s face up my butt!! But in any case, is that the way to ask for them back?? You cant just yell out demands!! It didn't work when Aerosmith screamed ‘WALK THIS WAY’ and it wont work now!! She drops down in front of her desk and begins walking towards me. “Oh crap” I think. “Trevor’s about to give me the 10 o’clock news first hand!! She stops inches away from me and proceeds to give me a……LAP DANCE!?………hang on a second…………oh no………no, no, NO, NOOOOOO!!!!! IM ASLEEP!!!!! WAAAAKE UP!!!!!!

There is a flash of white light and I’m suddenly back in a reception where the receptionist is busy tappy-tapping on her keyboard and repeatedly  answering calls. Whoa…that’s not good!! I do a quick dribble check, pinch myself to help me stay alert, then check my bag to make sure no lemons were there…(there’s no telling what came after that lap dance). After a few minutes I feel my head jerk back……STAY AWAKE DAMMIT!! YOU AREN'T GONNA GET A JOB IF THEY FIND YOU CURLED UP IN A BALL SLEEPING AND SUCKING YOUR THUMB!!! I stand up and walk to a painting on the wall. Its of a mermaid. It’s so life-like, the colours are amazing and the brushstrokes so elaborate. I raise my hand and run my finger over the painting to fully appreciate the texture……Outta nowhere the painting starts falling and my reflexes kick in, unfortunately they actually kick in. I throw my leg forward somehow hoping my foot would stop it from dropping but instead, rips a lovely hole through the heart of the canvas. SWEET NIBBLETS!!! MY INTERVIEW SHOES ARE INBETWEEN A MERMAIDS BREASTS!! I turn to the receptionist expecting to see her aiming a shotgun at me. She seems more interested in this lady who is viciously walking towards me. I'm a dead man!! As the lady gets closer I realise I know this person, and as a result I let out a very surprised and confused “mummy!?”

“WHAT HAVE YOU DONE!!” She yells with such force that I’m gusted against the wall. “That was a present from Nicole!!” she says pointing to the receptionist. What’s going on?……Why’s my mum here?……and how does she know this lemon crazed, Facebook profile hacker!!! “Daniel!?”. I cant possibly be sleeping again…IM STANDING UP!! “Daniel!?”. I look down at the painting…ITS VANISHED!! and I’m sitting down in my seat!! “Daniel!? do you want to follow me please!”, my mum continues. Is she gonna have me arrested!! It wasn't that good of a painting!! “DANIEL!!!” “MUM I HAVE TO STUDY, I HAVE MY DOUBLE SCIENCE EXAM IN THE MORNING!!!” I reply. everything fades to black like ‘Just For Men’. I open my eyes and a lady is standing above me. “Daniel!?” she says. “Do you want to follow me please!”. “What’s the point” I think, as I follow the her through the building. She sits me down in a room that has a strong dominating scent. I look at the cup the she is taking a sip from………lemon tea………hmm, interesting.