Monday, 8 June 2009

Something Outta Nothing

I’m in ‘Quicksilver’ with my friend Abi looking at clothes and bags, stroking almost everything I see like every item is a large eyed fluffy bunny rabbit. I pay a certain bag extra attention, admiring the design and craftsmanship even though its identical to the 6 year old one I have on my back. I show it considerable respect even sneaking in a quick sniff to appreciate the scent my bag had lost many years ago. Abi looks concerned. I then notice stairs leading to a second floor and I immediately head towards them excited at the thought of another floor of items to stroke. As I reach the top of the staircase I’m greeted by a giant female bottom wrapped in a bikini. It takes me a moment to realise it was a picture on the wall and not a giant woman who had got lost on her way to the beach. I spend another few minutes starring at the picture before Abi’s face of concern makes a reappearance. I snap out of it and let the clothes caressing commence.

A little while later I'm sitting on a random beach chair situated in the middle of the floor all exhausted which is normal after a session of un-orthodox fabric rubbing. I look down at my hands to see the carpet burn-esq irritations I had developed but they are quite happily tapping away to the beat of this rock tune that was playing. It soon becomes clear to me that my hands were not crazy, they wasn't dropped on their knuckles when they were little, they did not incur any nerve damage that would cause involuntary finger spasms and in fact the tune they were tapping away to was actually a TUNE!! A TUNE I HAD TO HAVE!! I jump out of the chair and do a quick little dance……and by dance I mean I shook my hip to the left then the right in a very feminine way. After making sure Abi hadn’t seen my little “shimmy” that I’m sure I got from a ‘High School Musical’ routine I run to a man who I assume worked there. He didn’t. Slightly embarrassed I run to a lady who was standing by a till…somehow I’m hesitant as to whether she worked there or not so I ask “sorry do you work here?”. She looks at me with a face that says “What do you think dumb ass!! Actually no, in fact I'm a burglar who was after a little daytime petty theft when a customer approached me and I decided to cover the tills for a few hours”. I quickly cover myself by adding “of course you do, duhhh…sorry…err, was just wondering if you know who sang this song”. She tells me she has no idea but to ask the guys downstairs so I leave her to finish her work…..or thieving, and rush over to the staircase. Again I take a few moments to appreciate the huge ka’boose on the wall then bolt downstairs to find someone who could help me identify the song. I pass that bag again and before I know it my ‘fabric feeling’ fetish is reactivated and my hands are all over it. “What are you doing!! the song is gonna finish!! put the bag down and move away!!” I order myself. Reluctantly I oblige and put the bag back. Behind the counter is an impassive guy who seems quite engrossed with his fingers…perhaps he was disappointed with his manicure…no that cant be it, they look perfectly edible…I would love to run my hands over some fine cotton with THOSE fingers…I then conclude he was the lady upstairs partner in crime and was obviously trying to rub off the fake latex fingerprints he had put on earlier for the ‘job’. As a good citizen I would have said something but who am I to deny a couple of thief's a chance to earn a few hours of legit money. I approach the guy with a face that says “don't worry mate, your secret is safe with me”. “Excuse me mate, do you know who sung this song?” I ask. He looks up at me quite puzzled and fires back a “Nah, cant remember” then quickly walks away and disappears behind a ‘STAFF ONLY’ door.

I stand there at a complete lost. More lost than that TV show we all want answers to. More lost than that Coldplay song. More lost than that world of dinosaurs Spielberg found. I may as well have been surrounded my purple aliens who obsessively slurp Dr. Pepper through their shoulder located belly-buttons…which I guess you would call a shoulder-button……I WAS LOST!!! Had I done something to upset him??  Did he think I was an undercover policeman trying to suss him out?? Maybe he had seen me enter the shop and thought I was gonna ask him if I could stroke his t-shirt!! that's enough to freak anybody out!! The more I thought about it the more it seemed unlikely. He was just being plain rude!! I felt my eyebrows lowering so I start taking deep breaths before I turned green and suddenly appeared in stretchy purple shorts. What kind of customer service was that!! I know my question was not exactly Quicksilver-related but still!! That was just plain rude!! No customer deserves to be treated like that!! He doesn't even deserve to work there, they should fire him and hire that guy I thought actually worked there!! I should have got Abi to ask for me, she’s pretty, there’s no way he would do that to her!! he’d probably even make up some band to stay in her good books!! well he is officially in MY bad books. I grab an invisible pencil and write in my invisible bad book [Grumpy Quicksilver dude with the pretty fingers]. I should write a letter or something…a letter of complaint!!…receiving one of those is frowned upon. Get them some bad press. I can see the headlines now; QUICKSILVER GET LETTER OF COMPLAINT DEMOTING THEM TO QUICKBRONZE!!

The guy suddenly reappears looking quite remorseful. “Just asked my colleagues but they don't know either sorry mate. Its an old song though if that helps”. I thank him for his efforts with a smile and leave him to admire his professional modelling worthy fingers. What a nice guy I think to myself as I reach for my invisible rubber and proceed to erase him from the bad book. Abi looks concerned.

Monday, 1 June 2009

A Wise Man Once Said…

I have the answer to the worlds economic problems…YES…ME!!……Mr Daniel Jackson!!! Today we live in a world that is financially crippled, a world where people are scared to make investments unless its the lottery, a world with angry civilians who now walk angrily because bus fares and the price of petrol have sky-rocketed. Gone are the days where kids fought on the street because their mother was mildly disrespected, now they fight over who saw the grubby fiver on the floor first. Money, its why Michael Jackson sold Neverland, its the real reason Obama ran for the presidency, and its why we’ll be exposed to not only Shrek 4 but also 5. They say money cant bring you happiness but tell me people, isn't that feeling when you have just got paid and your walking home with a few bags after a 3-hour shopping session happiness?? wouldn't a starving kid in Mumbai feel ‘Happy’ if he was offered 250,000 Rupees?? I know I’d be happy if I somehow won £3000 or even better £3000 worth of Pizza Hut vouchers!!! The truth is money makes the world go round…(money being the name of that giant hand in space that spins our planet like a basketball ever so often)…So I feel its my duty to announce the solution everybody has overlooked the past few years. If the world needs more money……DAMMIT LETS PRINT MORE MONEY!!!! Lets face it, money is just man-made paper with famous dead faces on them. I reckon whoever was in charge of printing money has been sacked (recession irony……no?) and now people rely on money growing trees which we all know is ridiculous….unless your Bill Gates……he has 6 of them!! No I'm playing, I'm sure he is feeling the credit crunch like the rest of us, weeping into his $20,000 tissue made of pure white gold on his matching yacht, picking bits of Almas caviar out his teeth with a diamond studded toothpick…we all gotta make sacrifices. PRINT MORE MONEY!! But this ‘eureka’ moment has got me thinking…how can we (‘we’ meaning the world) have suddenly gone bust……I mean surely someone is absolutely loaded (apart from you Gates, jeez, rub our faces in it why dont’cha)…coz I mean money doesn't get thrown away, its not disposable, its the most recycled thing around getting passed on from one place to another, so I ask, where has all the money gone?? My guess is Bolivia!! I can see them now sitting on mountains of cash saying “You laughed at us for naming our currency after our country but who’s laughing now!!! I spit on your pounds and dollars, your francs and yens…THE WHOLE WORLD SHALL FALL DEFEAT TO OUR BOLIVIAN BOLIVIANO’S!!! Mwahahahahahaaa”.

Now I know what your thinking, its not actually about the physical money, its about the resources. But common it cant be THAT hard to solve!! Instead of proper crude oil lets sell cooking oil!! we can dye it black if need be, if it can cook your steak I'm sure it can run your cars. Also if we're running low on gas lets bottle up some elephant farts or something, it don't get any more natural than that!! While we’re at it we can set up some panda, polar bear and tiger speed dating sessions with Viagra pills on the house!! I'm telling you I have all the answers. In the words of Scar “Stick with me and you’ll never go hungry again!!!” Cue laughing hyenas.