Saturday, 30 May 2009

The Cheek Of Some People

Have you ever been in that situation where you are minding your own business and you are suddenly hit by a fart smell that makes you wanna dial 999 and call for an ambulance. A fart smell that could erode all types of rock and could be considered a type of nuclear gas terrorist arm themselves with. You are absolutely disgusted!! The smell is horrific, its suffocating you, someone’s butt fragrance is invading your nose!! Its so strong it makes your eyes water faster than sitting in a sauna with 200 peeled onions. Its not even a normal passing fart, its one that lingers about like its waiting to be appreciated, like its waiting for a round of applause or some kind of award. It is one of the dirtiest smells you have ever encountered and you just cant understand how someone can harbour such deadly substances inside them. Though you hold your breath the smell persists and you have no choice but to eventually surrender and hesitantly breathe it in. It gets in your system like a virus trying to shut you down, re-wire your wires and unscrew your screws. How foul, how vulgar, how uncouth!! Has this person no shame!! Such total disregard for the people around them!! So ill-mannered!! No one should be allowed to discharge such an awful smell into the world, except maybe James Bond because he has a license to kill. It should be a felony!! Some kind of rebellious environmental breech that would have the National Geographic listing a mixture of global warming violations in order to have you arrested!! Then you subconsciously decide to show this person how outraged you are by looking at them with a face that says “I loathe you, you are less than dirt and I hope you burn in the pits of hell for the sin you have committed”………………but then you realise you are alone……there is nobody around you………and only you……and you alone……could have released that toxic odour. ‘Cor that was a bloody brilliant fart’ you think. ‘Ground-breaking. If only there was someone around to have witnessed it!!’

Thursday, 21 May 2009

Quick Sketch [03]

Finished Drawing below

fireplace pic

Sunday, 17 May 2009

Take A Bite Outta That

This is a drawing I did in Photoshop (I feel like I'm back in primary school doing a show ‘n’ tell……“and here’s a dinosaur I made outta left-over pasta, old chewing gum, and some smelly brown stuff I found on the bottom of my shoe…my daddy says its gross but he’s not an artist like me”) Anyways yea back to my drawing….erm….its me….erm…..roaring. Hope you like!!

Werewolf Dan

Friday, 15 May 2009

Quick Sketch [02]

Here’s another one coz the 1st one was so fun

Finished Drawing below

man n hand drawin pic

Star Trek Review

Scotty, beam me back to the cinema, I want more Trekrifficness!!! I can honestly say, despite looking like the perfect candidate I am NOT a Trekkie, but by God J.J. Abrams has made me see the light!!………no he didn't kill me, I mean the light from the USS Enterprise. This film sits you down, smacks an upside-down ‘V’ on your chest, gives you a wooden ice cream stick to bite down on and fires you into warp speed into one hell of a good film. Seriously, the film is non-stop enjoyment at 1000 miles per hour!! At any point in the film you could have taken a picture of me and my hair would be flying wild, my teeth chattering and my cheeks fluttering looking like Woody in Toy Story when the rocket kicks in!! It DEMANDED ACCEPTANCE and dammit that's exactly what it got. When the credits started rolling people started clapping, some guys at the back leapt up and threw what was left of their popcorn as they swung their arms around each other and started hugging, fingers were placed in mouths to initiate loud whistles, THE THEATRE WAS FILLED WITH ADMIRATION (the only other time I saw rejoice like this after a film was ‘The Matrix Revolutions’ but that's simply coz everyone couldn't wait for it to end). One of the reasons this film was so good was the cast. I had my doubts about these newcomers and blooming Sylar from heroes but what can I say other than I was absolutely delighted with how each character was portrayed. Chris Pine done a refreshing take on Captain James Kirk, truly Trekmendous!! Its like he physically knelt down next to a defeated and worn down William Shatner, leaned in towards him, stroked his face, put on raspberry scented lip balm, puckered up his lips, closed his eyes and breathed new life into the character…sorry to be so graphic but I'm cursed with a graphic imagination……just picture the imagery i conceive when I hear things like “I’ll keep an eye out” or “I was wondering if I could just pick your brain”…..not pretty I promise you!!

Not only is the SFX and action sequences a match made in heaven (hehehe sounds like prearranged marriages) but they are not overly done in the sense that you cant differentiate between what's shooting what and who’s killing who…..say like…..*cough* Star *cough* Wars…..WHAT!?….I SAID BRA STORES!!!……WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT DON'T MAKE SENSE!?….ITS MY BLOG!! I DON'T HAVE TO MAKE SENSE!!

Abrams has really found the fine balance that makes this film appeal to the masses. From hardcore fans, who have every episode on DVD, a costume from every series, a star trek alarm clock and bed spread with matching curtains, to the people who are so outside the Star Trek universe that they think ‘warp speed’ is a type of drug that changes the shape of your face!! I actually have not a single thing to moan about, it was damn near perf……well actually, the teleportation effect could have been better, kinda looked like they were getting covered in glow worms…..but that's neither here nor there….or over there……no there!!…….look, OVER THERE!!……BY THE BOOKSHELF!!……OH FORGET IT!!……hang on….what's that sound………kinda sounds like angry Star Wars fans outside my window……I SAID BRA STORES I PROMISE YOU!!!! WOULD I LIE TO A MAN HOLDING A LIGHT-SABER!!……viewers it was nice knowing you :(

Thursday, 14 May 2009

Fast and Furious Review

Firstly I cant help be disgusted by the total lack of originality with the chosen film title. Seriously, is it that hard to come up with a new title or at least a sub-title...even 'The Fast and the Furious 4' would have been better. Anyhow onto the actual film. This film is pretty much like every other street racing styled car film and does very little to add to the franchise. I think all car films should have an extra summin summin to make it stand out. 'Herbie' had a personality that made Russell Brand look bland, 'Speed Racer' had race tracks that trump those of a computer game, Pixar's 'Cars' had the whole...well lets face it, its Pixar, it didn't need help standing out.  The original Fast and Furious had the arsenal of hydraulic empowered cars with the CGI visualisation and was one of the first to do it. ‘2 Fast 2 Furious’ had Eva Mendes and Devon Aoki, Tokyo Drift had the benefit of import cars and the whole drift thing which was quite fresh. This film had nothing other than the return of the original characters which, as pleasing as that is didn't give it that push factor it needed. Anyhow you get my point. Another flaw was the lack of snazzy cars. To me that's one of the benefits of having street racing themed films. Its a chance to showcase a bunch of insanely amazing cars which we love to look at but know we'll never have (like watching America's Next Top Model......erm......not that I watch that show……that's on Monday's at 9pm on Living tv……COME ON ALLISON WOOOOO!!!!) There were hardly any cars that made my mouth water, hardly any cars with crazy custom modification that make ‘Pimp my ride’ look like a ford focus with a VHS player cello-taped to the hood!! Dammit I wanna see cars with toasters and ironing boards in them!! Cars that talk to you in 3 different languages and sound like Elizabeth Hurley!! Cars that monitor your eBay interests and bid on your behalf!! Cars that change colour and play certain music playlists in accordance to your mood!! CARS THAT DISPOSE OF UNHEALTHY SUBSTANCES YOU SNEAK ONBOARD LIKE CHOCOLATES OR KEBABS OR PIZZAS!!!! (actually scrap that idea).

[[[SPOILER ALERT, skip to next paragraph]]]The one thing I thought would be the films saving grace was Michelle Rodriguez but she’s in it for like 15minutes before getting killed off like Bambi’s mum!! WHAT’S THAT ABOUT!!! I died a little inside the same way i died a little when she was killed off in Lost, someone seriously has it out for her!!

Upon reading what I have written thus far I must point out that it is actually an enjoyable film that Id probably watch again in the future. I must also point out that I would literally hunt Bambi’s mum myself if I could have a voice like Vin Diesels, its so dreamy. I bet he just has to clear his throat when he walks in a room and women fall at his feet. Anyhows, watch this film, If you liked the first one you’ll like this one.

Quick Sketch [01]

Everyone seems to be doing these recorded sketches so I thought “I'm hungry….I'm gonna have a pizza”…and then I thought “That was quite tasty, shame I dropped that bit of sweet pepper on the floor"…and finally I thought “I'm gonna do one of these recorded sketches” and here it is :P

Finished Drawing below

boomarang girl2

Wednesday, 6 May 2009


This is a picture I did in Photoshop for a friend who’s a bit crazy about wrestling (I still don't quite understand the appeal but hey what do I know)


Saturday, 2 May 2009

Lost In Translation; Dan’s Perspek

So I’m sitting in Starbucks with a friend who I’ll call Eddie to respect his identity. He’s sippin on a latte while I chuck down a smoothie as we discuss life. English however is not Eddie 1st language and so the conversation is not as smooth as my smoothie……or as tasty!! There are many breaks and pauses and I do my best to use basic words. “So………you…like……errrrr…London?” he asks. “Yea its great, I love how there’s so much happening here, everything is so chaotic…hectic………errr…busy…” I say waving my hands about furiously to validate my claims of a busy city. “Everyone is running somewhere, its berserk!!” I study his face making sure ‘berserk’ hadn’t gone over his head……it didn’t. “So……errr……you…errr……work here?” I assume he was referring to Central London and not the Starbucks we were in. “No” I reply “I use to, Im hoping to find more work around here soon though. I love seeing how these big businesses operate….errr…work”. He Sips his latte and puts on that face that tells me he’s about to say something else and is carefully putting together the appropriate combination of words. “Errrrrr……” I take a gulp of my smoothie while he gets out what he wants to say. “….errrrrr…………you………errr” he continues. I realise now I'm just staring at him which is probably making it harder for him to concentrate. I take another gulp of my smoothie and read the label on the bottle, frequently looking up so he knows I'm still listening. “…….errrr………nevermind” he says defeated with a wry smile.

He gets up and signals that he’s going toilet (I cant quite remember how he signalled this, but it was communicated somehow……maybe he waved a roll of toilet paper at me or something). I take out my phone like everyone does when they are temporarily left alone in a restaurant or indeed a coffee place and send out some unnecessary texts. Soon Eddie returns. As he sits back down I notice he has a look of confidence on his face. “He must have gone ‘toilet’ to practice that sentence!” I think to myself. Sure enough he picks up where he left off. “Errrrrrrr………”. I take another gulp of my smoothie. “….errrr…”. I re-read the bottle label. “……you……” Then there is a long pause of silence. I look at him. He is drinking his latte. Wait…had I missed it!? Was I too occupied with the ingredients on my bottle label that I missed the vital part of the sentence!? Maybe that was it!! Maybe it was a question!! You?? Was he asking me if I needed the toilet!? I didn't signal it, did I? I'm pretty sure I didn’t…and I don't remember waving around a roll of toilet paper!! “……you……errr……” Oh thank God, he wasn’t finished. Good thing too as I was about to say “No, I don't need the toilet” which would have sounded quite strange. “…you know……when……” he continues. My ears are heightened at the sound of a conclusion developing in his voice, but there is another pause.

I gulp the last of my smoothie. I re-read the label. He sips his latte. I wait eagerly. Even people around us are now leaning over to hear what he has to say. Its like he is a judge in court about to give the verdict and everyone is on the edge of their seats. Like the answer to the worlds economic crisis is about to fly out of his mouth. As if he was about to confess experimenting with pigs and accidently starting this whole swine flu outbreak. “Come on Eddie” I think. “We’ve danced this dance for far too long now, stop teasing me and say it already”. As if he read my mind he puts down his cup…………there is silence………he looks around……there is more silence………then he picks up his cup again and nods as if to say “This is a good cuppa”. Hang on a sec…I think he is actually finished this time!! I study his face and it has no signs of concentration. Cor blimey!! I had actually missed it!! I couldn’t have, I was so attentive!! I play it over in my head…”you…know…when…” How could that possibly be the end of a sentence. That’s barely even a start let alone a middle or an end!! That’s just bad sentencing…in ANY language. He looks me in the eye as thou awaiting a reply. I wrack my brain for solutions. Maybe ‘When’ is the name of someone? Is he asking me if I know ‘When’? Coz I don't…i know a ‘Wendy’. Then I realise what was going on. He is obviously about to rob ‘Starbucks’ of all their coffee and is telling me to be ready to leg it!! You know when. BUT WHAT IF I DONT KNOW WHEN!! I DONT WANNA GET ARRESTED FOR YOUR CRIME!! I DONT EVEN DRINK COFFEE, WHY DO YOU THINK I’VE GOT A SMOOTHIE…I MEAN IT’S A PRETTY DAMN GOOD SMOOTHIE BUT THEY’RE NOT WORTH GOIN TO JAIL FOR!! But suddenly he says “You know when Starbucks close?”. “Oh…” I say, almost speechless but relieved My friend was not a coffee stealing criminal. “…erm I dunno but they are usually open til late”. Thank God that’s over. That must be the most complicated sentence to say in English…..EVER!! There is another moment of silence before I notice the look of deep concentration back on his face. “……Errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…” he starts. I get up and get myself another smoothie.

Champions Of The Retirement Home

SF Oldies Final