Sunday, 19 April 2009

The Day I Saw a UFO

Its 11pm and I'm at a fairly quiet train station awaiting my train that is running 3 minutes late. There are 4 girls to the left of me talking about some guy called Duncan…who, FYI, can now drive. Further down the platform is a man with a dog that seems a bit on edge….probably couldn't find that bone he buried a few days back…the dog, not the man. There is also a couple standing on the opposite platform who are in total silence…what do you mean a couple of what!? a couple!! I start daydreaming about trains with rockets attached to their sides deeming it the only possible way to assume they’re never late. My thoughts are soon disturbed by a strange sound in the distance that is almost like the buzz of an electric bug zapper mixed with TV static. “Where on earth is that sound coming from?” I think to myself, upset that it had interrupted my Noble prize worthy idea. I look around. Nope its not the four girls who are now talking about some guy called Tony who can also now drive. It wasn’t from the man or his dog, and it wasn’t from the couple who are still yet to have said a word to each other. I tilt my head to the left hoping it would allow my right ear to hear the sound more clearly….it doesn’t. The sound is however, gradually getting louder. Whatever was making that sound was getting closer. I start to feel uneasy as thoughts of killer bumble bees enter my head. Killer bumble bees with Mafia influences, kung-fu training and a vendetta against me for squishing their nephew Luke. Luke, who was a straight ‘B’ student, who wore a bee-utiful, blue, bee-nie hat and did an un-bee-lievably good impersonation of a bee-tle. The sound grows even more louder. I start scanning the area but fail to see anything in the badly lit station. I try to ignore it and proceed to add small wings to my rocket enabled train to give it some sort of aerodynamic advantage. The sound suddenly becomes substantially louder as if those Mafia bumble bees had just strapped speakers to their backs and are now buzzing into a microphone. I look in the direction it appears to be coming from and there it was.

Heading straight for me was a flying insect like nothing I had ever seen. It had a small beady head connected to a large furry body which vibrated in rhythm with the big wings attached to it. There was also a stinger big enough for Zelda to use as a sword. It almost looked like the spider from ‘Charlottes Web’ but with a grizzly bear’s fur and wings like a dragonfly. Not to mention this thing was HUGE!!! THE SIZE OF A BOWLING BALL!!!……………ok that's a slight exaggeration……it was more like a tennis ball but still….A TENNIS BALL!!! I step back as it was getting too close for comfort. I turn to see if the girls have noticed this ‘thing’ that would make Freddy Krueger pee his pants and hide under the bed. They had, but they don't seem as freaked out as I am. I turn back to the ‘thing’ and to my surprise it was face to face with me!!….and boy did it have an angry face like someone just stepped on his new white trainers (please understand he wasn’t actually wearing trainers…..oh and I'm assuming it’s a ‘he’, didn’t really get a good look at its…tools) I Panic and jump back as the girls watch me. The ‘thing’ slowly hovers closer. While desperately wishing my mummy was there I see that I now also have the full attention of the silent couple (…JUST A COUPLE!!!) “Calm yourself Danny Boy” I tell myself. “Its more scared of you than you are of it….besides you didn’t kill HIS nephew so its all good, he has no motive……PLUS do you really want these girls and that couple to know your scared of a little bug”. I resent what my mind said because in no way was that scary thing ‘little’. It pauses an arms reach away and just stares. “What does he want from me!!” I wonder. My mind starts racing… “Maybe its developing its own rocket enabled train and wants to “off” the competition……Maybe it fancies me!! What if I’ve been chosen to be king and it has plans to repopulate it’s dying species!!……Maybe its allergic to my deodorant and has come to negotiate an alternative to my ‘Sure’ for men”.

The ‘thing’ suddenly charges towards me. I make a run for it, dashing past the girls who sit amused…IS IT BEHIND ME?!! IS IT BEHIND ME?!! and as if a big flashing ‘YES’ hit me in the face I hear ‘Bzzzz’. I run faster and in all the panic I didn't realise I had just charged at the stressed looking dog who erupts into a fit of barks and snarls. Upon realising how how much older the man was and how long the leash was I stop in my tracks and head back to the girls. I feel something brush against the back of my neck and let out a rather embarrassing “Ahh!”. I quickly turn around….nothing, but then another brush followed by an even louder “Ahhhh!!” The girls just sit there like I was their entertainment for the night..I needed help!! Where was this ‘Duncan’ or ‘Tony’ they were on about?? They could drive me away from this torture!! I hear the buzz again “Why is this thing following me?? AND WHERE IS THE TRAIN!!!” I start running again…leaving the girls and dodging the angry dog shouting in my head “YOU CAN HAVE THE ROCKET ENABLED TRAIN IDEA!!! BUT I DONT WANT TO REPOPULATE WITH YOU AND I HAPPEN TO LIKE MY SURE DEODRORANT!!!”. I reach the end of the platform all out of breath. There is no buzzing sound, no sign of the ‘thing’ at all. I smile a smile of relief and victory as the ‘Rocky’ Theme plays in my head. The silent couple then burst into laughter which sets off the girls…hell, even the dog and his dog are laughing now. I dont care, IM ALIVE and the ‘thing’ has disappeared somewhere in the darkness.

I see the train appear far down the tracks, all is a-ok. but then……Bzzzzz………NO……NO IT CANT BE!!! I hesitantly turn around to see a big Mafia bumble bee eyeing me, wearing a black belt, with a RIP Luke tattoo on its stinger………MUMMY!!!

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