Thursday, 30 April 2009

The Uninvited Review

I could sum this up in one word. LAME!! but where’s the fun in that? Ok so it had a few suspense-ish moments and a couple of hot-ish chicks but I require a tad more substance than that. This film is like rubbing an onion on your eyeball whilst staring directly at the sun (which my doctor tells me I should stop doing) I'm not entirely sure I even understood the ending because it was so loosely put together!! “Daniel don't you think that's why you think it’s lame, because your not smart enough to understand it?”……NO!! I understand just fine!! I understand that the writer’s wife was pregnant at the time he was about to conclude the story and he got “the phone call”. “MARK YOU SON OF……HAVING THE BA………GET YOUR SORRY ASS………LIZABETH HOSPITAL………PAIN IS UNBAREAB………GONNA KILL YOU……HURRY!!!!”. So he quickly copied the ending from a kids book he had bought for his unborn child and was out the door!! YEA I UNDERSTAND JUST FINE!!!

Anyhow cant write much about this film coz truthfully I don’t have much of an opinion on this film other than ‘Lame’. Don't rule it out entirely, its one of those films to catch if its on TV and there is nothing better to watch. Like I said, (or wrote) It has a few suspense-ish moments (actually I think I said it too)

Let The Right One In Review

Ok, the comparison to Twilight is unavoidable so lets just start there shall we. ‘Let the right one in’ stomps all over ‘Twilight’ like a baby lion cub in a wildebeest stampede. Like it had the nuclear weapons Bush was looking for and ‘Twilight’ had that small Cricket gun Will Smith had in ‘Men In Black’. LIKE BRUCE LEE FIGHTING THE KARATE KID!! IT BEATS’TWILIGHT’ IN EVERY SINGLE DEPARTMENT LIKE MIKE TYSON GOING ROUND DEBENHAMS PUNCHING PEOPLE ON EVERY FLOOR!!! I JUST WANNA PUT A BANDAGE ON THE ‘TWILIGHT’ DVD CASE. ITS LIKE COMPARING A SPEILBERG FILM TO A KELLY OSBOURNE HOME VIDEO!!! LIKE COMPARING A NASA ROCKET TO A CHILDS ROCKET MADE AT SCHOOL OUT OF AN EMPTY SPRITE BOTTLE AND AN OLD RICE KRISPIES CEREAL BOX!!! ‘LET THE RIGHT ONE IN’ ABSOLUTELY CHRIS BROWN’D ‘TWILIGHT’………too far!?

The story is brilliantly paced and has no novelty vampire elements. The film takes it’s small budget and completely Alan Sugar’s it to become something more impressive than a film with twice the budget. The acting is suitable and fairly impressive at times considering the two main actors are children. One thing I found strange was the amount of characters in the film who’s gender was hard to identify. It’s like the casting crew put out an ad for girls who looked like boys and boys who looked like girls and hired them al!! This however, adds to the eeriness of the film and the overall unease feeling you experience watching it. This film doesn't try to be scary and truthfully its not but whilst watching it I couldn't help but feel slightly uncomfortable. Could it be the peculiar location? could it be the citizens of the peculiar location? could it be the clothes on the citizens of the peculiar location?? It could well be, but whatever it was I enjoyed it!! But to be fair ‘Twilight’ also made me feel uneasy, could it have been the rubbish acting? could it have been the disgustingly bad script that dictated the rubbish acting? Could it have been the shamefully cheap paper the disgustingly bad script was written on that dictated the rubbish acting? It could well be (Joey if your still reading this I applaud your tolerance :P)

‘Twilight’ bashing aside I can say doubtlessly that ‘Let the right one in’ was an example to vampire films alike and proves that great special effects, famous casts, and wall to wall guts and gore is not essential to set the right tone for a vampire film. Once again I have failed to tell you what's good about this film but I trust me when I say its a good’en. At least I managed to KO ‘Twilight’ and as I failed to bring myself to demolish it in its own review I consider this a ‘two birds, one stone’ situation….Well my times up, you guys have been great, make sure to catch next episode when we’ll have ‘Simon Cowell’ on the show….and now, to play us out ‘MAXIMO PARK!!!!!’………Id sooo make a good talk show host :P

Wolverine Review

You know when I asked Wolvy if I should watch his film he gave me 3 rather unpleasant cuts across my chest. As cool as the scars will look I must say I was rather put off. Despite this I went and found it quite enjoyable. Not FULLY enjoyable, but not SLIGHTLY enjoyable. Almost like that feeling when you find a tenner in your pocket, its not a twenty but its not a fiver neither. It is a very noticeable new approach on the X-Men franchise. Gone are the shiny, smooth and pleasing locations, replaced with more rough, hard edged, gritty ones. There is also a more orange/brown tint to the film as opposed to the colder blue’s and greens of the other X-men films. All This is welcomed as a way to break away from the previous film and stand as an individual movie. One thing I'm glad about is the level of mutants. Many people complain that there are too many and it ruins the concentrations on wolverine…I say WAT THE HELL ARE YOU ON ABOUT!!! I LOVE SEEING NEW MUTANTS!! I SAY WEL KILL A FEW HUMANS TO MAKE ROOM FOR MORE MUTANTS!!! MUTANTS ARE THE FUTURE DAMMIT!!!! The problem is people have far too high expectation for highly anticipated films like this. Had Iron Man been this hyped prior to its release it would have not been as well accepted as it was. Also people need to stop nitpicking!! Its like you walk into the cinema with a Sherlock Holmes outfit on and an Inspector Gadget hat with a giant magnifying glass coming out of it, watching the film through a fine toothed comb searching for faults. Accept it for what it is and either you like it or you don't. Do not moan and bitch about it using every complaint in the “Complaints for Dummies” Book!!

I would like to point out that although yes the story was not as concrete as it could have been but ‘Wolverine’ did not deserve the lousy 2 star review it got from Empire. Wolverine hasn’t shut up about it and he is quite upset to say the least. In our kitchen is a sliced pineapple, a sliced toaster and a fridge with new departments. I I were you I’d sleep with one eye open as I’ve leaned to do after eating his last pop tart (boy he was more upset than the time he saw Homer Simpson whipping those wolves in the Simpson Movie). I say screw the critics and go watch this….Or he may pay you a visit too!!

Monday, 27 April 2009

Felicia’s Good Enough Cover

My little sister singing Evanescence’s ‘Good Enough’. I Taught her everything she knows :P

Monday, 20 April 2009

Knowing Review

THIS IS AN AMAAAAZING FILM!!!!!!!!…………is what I’d be saying had I listened to my friends and watched SOMETHING ELSE!! Now the only thing I can say I liked about this film was its special effects. They stood with the best of them making your eyes jump out their sockets, turn around and say “We cant believe what  we’re seeing!!!” which can be a problem seeing as you cant believe your eyes especially when they cant believe each other…..errrr wait……..ok im confused….but for some reason i want to say ‘You should have gone to spec savers’. Now as sexy as those special effects are, one cannot rely on this alone to carry a film…or any other number for that matter, i mean four cannot rely on it either.

The story starts off promising like a bright boy who has just received 9 GCSE’s but then this boy starts listening to Marilyn Manson, smoking and doing drugs and drops out of College to sell blood for cash to buy more drugs and gets some girl pregnant but sells the baby for even MORE DRUGS!!…………YES…THATS HOW BAD THE FILM GETS!!!! ITS ON THE SAME LEVEL AS A GUY WHO SELLS HIS OWN DAUGHTER FOR DRUGS!! Alex Proyas what was you thinking takin on a film like this!!! How do you go from “I, Robot” to this pile of cow dung!! In fact I take that back, cows probably wouldn't want no association with this rubbish!! They’re far too busy laughing and making spreadable cheese.

Given the title I should have known better, i actually feel it was bad for my health….like I was in danger of having some kind of seizure whilst watching it, I do believe i even coughed blood a few times!! The stupid cinema staff should have warned me!! I should have walked up to them going “2 tickets for ‘Knowing’ please” and they should have waved their index finger and said “Ahhh we would love to but I'm afraid that's not possible, its a health and safety hazard and we are not insured for any potential mishaps”. OR AT LEAST TAKEN A QUICK HEALTH CHECK!!! AGE? SMOKER? DRINKER? SUFFER FROM EPILECT SYNDROMES? HAVE PROBLEMS URINATING?…..I DIDNT GET ASKED NONE OF THAT!!! THEY JUST LET ME GO IN COMPLETELY UNAWARE AND UNPROTECTED!! DAMN YOU KNOWING!!!! DAAAAMMMMMNNN YOOOOOOUUUUU!!!!!!!

Notorious Review

This biopic was so well done I wanted to find a giant red marker and write A+ on the cinema screen. Despite some ill written reviews I think ‘Notorious’ would make any die hard ‘Biggie’ fan “kick a freestyle” in appreciation of it. Although it covers all the usual topics ‘urban American’ films cover (selling drugs, baby mamas, etc) It manages to keep it fresh like its straight out the cows udders. Most of Biggie’s classics are predictably played throughout the film which really helps you appreciate why he was such a big deal (no pun intended…………ok maybe a small one) The visualisations of each character was spot on especially Chris Wallace himself. Jamal Woolard does a very respectable portrayal of Mr. Wallace, even getting his voice almost undistinguishable from the real thing. Had I heard his voice on the radio without knowing who he was I would be on the phone to CNN before the song ended calming they got it all wrong and how he was only on holiday with Elvis. The only real criticism i have is that I think they could have been a bit more rebellious in their approach to recreate this rap icon. Biggie is presented as the most down-to-earth, wouldn't hurt a fly sorta guy who done everything with good intensions. Obviously this is out of respect but I feel they didn't have to make him out to be a saint as I'm sure he had many flaws. None-the-less I was still watching it with noting but praise scratching on my invisible decks, mouthing into my invisible mic and pimpin my invisible hoes.

All in all a film that delivers and makes you feel good to have witnessed an insight into this front-runners life.

“Biggie Biggie Bigge cant you see, sometimes your words just hypnotise me, and I just love your flashy ways, Guess that's why they broke, and you're so paid”

Sunday, 19 April 2009

What do you do when you see a Harley-Davidson?

What do you do when you see a Harley-Davidson? You take a picture that you print off and kiss goodnight before you go to bed every night, that's what!! A thing of beauty.


The Day I Saw a UFO

Its 11pm and I'm at a fairly quiet train station awaiting my train that is running 3 minutes late. There are 4 girls to the left of me talking about some guy called Duncan…who, FYI, can now drive. Further down the platform is a man with a dog that seems a bit on edge….probably couldn't find that bone he buried a few days back…the dog, not the man. There is also a couple standing on the opposite platform who are in total silence…what do you mean a couple of what!? a couple!! I start daydreaming about trains with rockets attached to their sides deeming it the only possible way to assume they’re never late. My thoughts are soon disturbed by a strange sound in the distance that is almost like the buzz of an electric bug zapper mixed with TV static. “Where on earth is that sound coming from?” I think to myself, upset that it had interrupted my Noble prize worthy idea. I look around. Nope its not the four girls who are now talking about some guy called Tony who can also now drive. It wasn’t from the man or his dog, and it wasn’t from the couple who are still yet to have said a word to each other. I tilt my head to the left hoping it would allow my right ear to hear the sound more clearly….it doesn’t. The sound is however, gradually getting louder. Whatever was making that sound was getting closer. I start to feel uneasy as thoughts of killer bumble bees enter my head. Killer bumble bees with Mafia influences, kung-fu training and a vendetta against me for squishing their nephew Luke. Luke, who was a straight ‘B’ student, who wore a bee-utiful, blue, bee-nie hat and did an un-bee-lievably good impersonation of a bee-tle. The sound grows even more louder. I start scanning the area but fail to see anything in the badly lit station. I try to ignore it and proceed to add small wings to my rocket enabled train to give it some sort of aerodynamic advantage. The sound suddenly becomes substantially louder as if those Mafia bumble bees had just strapped speakers to their backs and are now buzzing into a microphone. I look in the direction it appears to be coming from and there it was.

Heading straight for me was a flying insect like nothing I had ever seen. It had a small beady head connected to a large furry body which vibrated in rhythm with the big wings attached to it. There was also a stinger big enough for Zelda to use as a sword. It almost looked like the spider from ‘Charlottes Web’ but with a grizzly bear’s fur and wings like a dragonfly. Not to mention this thing was HUGE!!! THE SIZE OF A BOWLING BALL!!!……………ok that's a slight exaggeration……it was more like a tennis ball but still….A TENNIS BALL!!! I step back as it was getting too close for comfort. I turn to see if the girls have noticed this ‘thing’ that would make Freddy Krueger pee his pants and hide under the bed. They had, but they don't seem as freaked out as I am. I turn back to the ‘thing’ and to my surprise it was face to face with me!!….and boy did it have an angry face like someone just stepped on his new white trainers (please understand he wasn’t actually wearing trainers…..oh and I'm assuming it’s a ‘he’, didn’t really get a good look at its…tools) I Panic and jump back as the girls watch me. The ‘thing’ slowly hovers closer. While desperately wishing my mummy was there I see that I now also have the full attention of the silent couple (…JUST A COUPLE!!!) “Calm yourself Danny Boy” I tell myself. “Its more scared of you than you are of it….besides you didn’t kill HIS nephew so its all good, he has no motive……PLUS do you really want these girls and that couple to know your scared of a little bug”. I resent what my mind said because in no way was that scary thing ‘little’. It pauses an arms reach away and just stares. “What does he want from me!!” I wonder. My mind starts racing… “Maybe its developing its own rocket enabled train and wants to “off” the competition……Maybe it fancies me!! What if I’ve been chosen to be king and it has plans to repopulate it’s dying species!!……Maybe its allergic to my deodorant and has come to negotiate an alternative to my ‘Sure’ for men”.

The ‘thing’ suddenly charges towards me. I make a run for it, dashing past the girls who sit amused…IS IT BEHIND ME?!! IS IT BEHIND ME?!! and as if a big flashing ‘YES’ hit me in the face I hear ‘Bzzzz’. I run faster and in all the panic I didn't realise I had just charged at the stressed looking dog who erupts into a fit of barks and snarls. Upon realising how how much older the man was and how long the leash was I stop in my tracks and head back to the girls. I feel something brush against the back of my neck and let out a rather embarrassing “Ahh!”. I quickly turn around….nothing, but then another brush followed by an even louder “Ahhhh!!” The girls just sit there like I was their entertainment for the night..I needed help!! Where was this ‘Duncan’ or ‘Tony’ they were on about?? They could drive me away from this torture!! I hear the buzz again “Why is this thing following me?? AND WHERE IS THE TRAIN!!!” I start running again…leaving the girls and dodging the angry dog shouting in my head “YOU CAN HAVE THE ROCKET ENABLED TRAIN IDEA!!! BUT I DONT WANT TO REPOPULATE WITH YOU AND I HAPPEN TO LIKE MY SURE DEODRORANT!!!”. I reach the end of the platform all out of breath. There is no buzzing sound, no sign of the ‘thing’ at all. I smile a smile of relief and victory as the ‘Rocky’ Theme plays in my head. The silent couple then burst into laughter which sets off the girls…hell, even the dog and his dog are laughing now. I dont care, IM ALIVE and the ‘thing’ has disappeared somewhere in the darkness.

I see the train appear far down the tracks, all is a-ok. but then……Bzzzzz………NO……NO IT CANT BE!!! I hesitantly turn around to see a big Mafia bumble bee eyeing me, wearing a black belt, with a RIP Luke tattoo on its stinger………MUMMY!!!

Monday, 6 April 2009

Small Talk [02]

So I'm walking through Sainsbury’s in dying need of a ‘Chicago Town’ pizza when I see a really attractive girl standing looking at cards with her little sister. Just as I was walking past them I heard her say to the little girl “which card looks more manly?” This to me was as good as a royal invitation to ‘butt-in’ written on expensive paper in gold ink served on a silver platter. I quickly put my tongue back in my mouth, punched my eyes back in their sockets and turned around shouting “THAT ONE!!”. Now, I had their attention but I realised I had given no indication to which card I was referring to. I desperately throw my index finger in the direction of a card, luckily it missed the floral one and landed on a silvery one next to it. With a slight smile she picks it up and says “really?” I respond with a nod that for some reason I think will give her all the confirmation she needs but now I needed to say something else to extend my time with her. “Look” I say, picking up the card with the flowers on it. “This one is like…” I switch to a very girly pitch “…very pretty, sweet and feminine, while this one….” I grab the silver one from her and put on my most manly voice “…is strong, bold and very masculine”. There was a brief awkwardness where we both realised how much my ‘manly’ voice sounded just like my ‘girly’ voice but oh well.

She glances at the other cards then turns to her lil’ sister and asks “what do you think?”. The little girl, with a face like ‘Catherine Tate’ who GENIUNELY didn't look bothered just shrugged her shoulders and points to a monochromatic stripy card. HA!! I think. That card looks awful…its absolute PANTS!! and not the nice pants that people model in catalogues but the last pair in the back of your draw, with small holes in it and frayed stitching, that you only get out when you’ve worn all the good ones!! The girl looks at the card with a surprised expression……..she picks it up……she studies it…….oh no….she LIKES IT!! She LIKES THE BACK OF THE DRAW PANTS!!! I'm losing a battle to a little 9 year old!! She’ll never go out with a guy who loses battles to 9 year olds!! Suddenly I have an undesirable urge to convince her my card is better. Now I'm not a man (no, hang on there’s more……...I AM a man) I'm not a man WHO thinks well on his feet and as a result I say “But that one has stripes, what if the dude you give it to is wearing a checkered shirt when he opens it, it’ll CLASH!” (hey I told you). By a stroke of luck she finds this slightly funny and jokingly says “that is VERY true”. This is great I think to myself. I said something extremely dumb in total seriousness but she took it as a joke AND she’s playing along with it!! Daniel-1, Little Girl-0.

I then realise this had become more about proving my opinion is better than this little girl’s than a build up to asking for her hot older sister’s number. Now I'm standing there thinking battle won with an overly keen smile on my face like I had just found the cure for cancer or something…….but hang on……….she’s still holding the stripy card!! “I think I’m gonna go with this one though” she says. The little girl suddenly perks up and starts smiling like I was before, which I found ridiculous because there is NO WAY she has found the cure for cancer!! “Plus..” the little girl begins “…his card has no writing in it and you don't like to write in cards……the stripy one has writing”. I couldn't believe this little rugrat!!! THE CHEEK!! she KNEW she had won, now she was just rubbing my face in it!! It wasn’t fair, she had the unfair advantage of actually being her sister!! (Not that I want to be her sister) But its not like I could slide my way in there, cool as a cucumber, flicking a card off the shelf only for it to land perfectly in her hand and say “Hey there toots, this is what you need, elegant, manly, and its pre-written because I know how you hate writing out cards”……err, not that I would actually say "’Hey there toots’, I'm not some sort of 70’s gangster or anything.

Daniel-1, Little Girl-1, but as far as I'm concerned we’ve reached a decider. I remain standing preparing for the final showdown, tumbleweed drifts past, a cactus sways in the breeze, I raise my hand beside my holster and just as I'm about to draw my weapon I realise I'm lost in one of my daydreams again. I quickly snap out of it at the sight of them leaving and I give it the ‘all or nothing’ treatment. “Hey erm…” I say to grab her attention as my brain pasted a few words together. “So can I get your number in case I need some advice on a ‘girly’ card?”. She smiles and asks “and who would this card be for?”. This is good, she’s prying. I answer back accordingly “My sister or mum…..or nan”. “Tell you what…” she says, “I'll give you my number ONLY if my sister says it’s ok” She turns to her sister “ what do you think? Should I give him my number?”. Now I'm telling you, I would need to build myself a brick wall to hide my facial expression that is clearly saying WHAT THE HELL!!! HOW COULD SHE ASK HER SISTER!!! MY NEMISIS!! THE GIRL WHO BLATANTLY HATES MY GUTS!!! THATS LIKE SOMEONE ASKING LEX LUTHOR IF HE LIKES SUPERMAN!! LIKE ASKING A CHICKEN IF THEY SHOULD GO TO NANDOS FOR DINNER!! LIKE ASKING UMA THURMAN TO ATTEND BILLS FUNERAL AFTER SHE KILLS HIM!!! I hesitantly look at the little girl in fear I might turn to stone. I widen my eyes and do my best ‘Puss in boots’ impression. At this stage its as if everyone in Sainsbury’s was awaiting the answer. The little girl looks at me and to my surprise I hear a very quiet “yea”. I LOVE THIS GIRL!!! SHE’S A LITTLE ANGEL!!! I JUST WANNA BUY HER AS MANY STRIPY CARDS AS SHE CAN CARRY!!!

A few minutes later I'm walking down an isle (no not in a tux…..I said a “few minutes later” what do you take me for…..I’m still in Sainsbury’s silly). I have a new entry in my phonebook and ‘my cure for cancer’ smile back on my face. Then i spot that little girl again as she grabs the last ‘Chicago Town’ pizza. I HATE THAT LITTLE GIRL!!!