Saturday, 28 March 2009


There I was giving my Playstation controller a good beating (dont worry, I put a plaster on it after) when *Brrring* a text message invaded my phone and set up camp in my inbox. After I gave whoever it was I was playing online a last minute punch to claim my victory I checked my phone. It was an unfamiliar number. I open it up eagerly like you would do to the biggest present under the Christmas tree. It read “Hi is Joe there, its Katie x” Now I’ve been called many names but ‘Joe’ isn't one of them, and the only ‘Katie’ I know (or knew) is a girl from primary school who called me butterman…(I dropped a lot of things as a kid….butterfingers…..butterman). After shaking off a theory that primary school Katie had hunted me down after all these years and is now calling me Joe, I remembered that my little brother ‘Joseph’ had sent a text from my phone the day before. Stupid brother sending stupid text's to stupid Katie’s off my stupid phone!! I then fire a reply saying “No sorry, aint come home yet” with the same brutality I had given my PS3 control (Note to self; buy more plasters). I return to my online gaming where I got KO’ed twice in a row. I'm convinced I was playing someone in Japan who had invented a way to cheat on ‘Street Fighter’ and I was his first anonymous victim on the other side of the world. All of a sudden *Brrring* my phone is invaded again by another sneaky message (security guard must be sleeping again). I read the message. “Ok thanks lol can u tell him I called please x”

Now as weird as it felt having a 14 year old girl texting me, a humorous reply zapped into my brain. I couldn’t resist, I texted back.. “I cud but u didn’t, u txtd :P Nah im playin, sure no probs”. I chuckle to myself at my lame joke and resume getting my ass handed to me on ‘Street Fighter’. Not before long I hear that familiar sound my phone makes when a text comes through. Once again it’s this ‘Katie’ chick, but why!? surely we had nothing more to say. I proceed to tickle a few buttons on my phone until it gives in and shows me the text. “Haha lol u are funny thanks x x :)Capturex x”

SWEET NIBBLETS!! What was going on!! my message wasn’t THAT funny!! I’m my biggest fan when it comes to my writing but that text did not deserve a ‘haha’ as well as a ‘lol’. I start to panic………was I being too ‘nice’?………no, I couldn’t have been…….she probably just didn’t expect me to be nice at ALL……but HANG ON!!….I look at the text again………………2 smiley faces AND FOUR KISSES!! OH NO!! Could this be possible!? Had I unintentionally FLIRTED with this 14 year old girl!! I quickly scan through the previous two texts…….both ending with ONE kiss which is normal for girls….BUGGA!! Somehow I had managed to be charming enough to receive TWO forms of laughter, TWO types of smiley faces AND four kisses!!…….FROM A GIRL WHO IS ALMOST A DECADE YOUNGER THAN ME!!! 4 deep breaths, 2 ear rubbing “woooosa” moments and 3 chill pills later I decide this is nothing to worry about. What was done was done, no harm no foul……BUT as if riding on the tails of the last text another one lands in my inbox!! I pick up the phone begging it to be someone else……a David, a Chris, a Joey or Abi, I’d even settle for an Orange Wednesday notification!! but you know as well as I do that that was not the case. “Hi is Joe back x x wat is ur name x”.

The good news is the kisses had gone down, the bad news is she is blatantly now using my brother as an excuse to find out my name. I mean, after all it had only been 15 minutes since her first text. I force myself to stay calm and fire back a… “Nope still not here yet, I’ll get him to call u when he gets back”. “Sorted” I tell myself. No charm, no humour, no leads for further interaction between us. I had conducted the perfect text that stopped anymore exchanges of messages. I stand there with a smile on my face patting myself on the back like fathers do to their sons after they win their first football match. *Brrring* WHAT THE!! How!? Why!? I was so careful, I covered all my basis. “Ok lol how are u x”. How!? Why!? The good news is I’m back to one procedural kiss, the bad news is I’M FREAKING OUT!! HOW DO I GET OUT OF THIS!! ITS A DIRECT QUESTION!! I cant be rude to her, she’s been nothing but nice to me, PLUS she’s my little brothers friend (or even more) so a “I’m gud now bugga off” was out of the question. I decide to ignore it……she wont text again if I don't repl……*Brrring* “Ok lol how are u and how old. Wats ur name again? x”. I DIDNT TELL HER MY NAME IN THE FIRST PLACE!! She has actually edited and re-sent her message ADDING two more questions!! So much for ‘Ignore the problem and it’ll go away’. What do I do!! What if my brother finds out and thinks I’ve been trying it on with this ‘Katie’, what if my parents find out….they’ll think I’m some PERV!! Then the police will find out and within seconds helicopters outside my house, a SWAT team jumping through my window, hound dogs sniffing my crotch!!! NEIGHBOURS PEERING OUT THEIR WINDOWS COVERING THEIR DAUGHTERS EYES AND GIVIN ME DIRTY LOOKS!!! I’LL BE HAULED TO THE GROUND!!! THE JAPANESE GUY WILL KO PERFECT AFTER PERFECT WHILE IM SHOUTING “IM INNOCENT!!!…….I DONT EVEN KNOW A KATIE, EXCEPT THE ONE WHO CALLED ME BUTTERMAN IN PRIMARY SCHOOOOOL!!!!!”…………then it hit me……I click on ‘Create message’……“My name is Colin, Joe’s dad, I’m fine thank you”……………problem solved.

1 comment:

juabra-joey said...

so so so soooo worth the wait!!! and a com-pletey ingenius way to end it. absolutely briiliant!