Monday, 30 March 2009

‘Girl and Plant’ For Lack Of A Better Title

I got a bit jiigy in Photoshop, this is the result

lady & plant

Saturday, 28 March 2009


There I was giving my Playstation controller a good beating (dont worry, I put a plaster on it after) when *Brrring* a text message invaded my phone and set up camp in my inbox. After I gave whoever it was I was playing online a last minute punch to claim my victory I checked my phone. It was an unfamiliar number. I open it up eagerly like you would do to the biggest present under the Christmas tree. It read “Hi is Joe there, its Katie x” Now I’ve been called many names but ‘Joe’ isn't one of them, and the only ‘Katie’ I know (or knew) is a girl from primary school who called me butterman…(I dropped a lot of things as a kid….butterfingers…..butterman). After shaking off a theory that primary school Katie had hunted me down after all these years and is now calling me Joe, I remembered that my little brother ‘Joseph’ had sent a text from my phone the day before. Stupid brother sending stupid text's to stupid Katie’s off my stupid phone!! I then fire a reply saying “No sorry, aint come home yet” with the same brutality I had given my PS3 control (Note to self; buy more plasters). I return to my online gaming where I got KO’ed twice in a row. I'm convinced I was playing someone in Japan who had invented a way to cheat on ‘Street Fighter’ and I was his first anonymous victim on the other side of the world. All of a sudden *Brrring* my phone is invaded again by another sneaky message (security guard must be sleeping again). I read the message. “Ok thanks lol can u tell him I called please x”

Now as weird as it felt having a 14 year old girl texting me, a humorous reply zapped into my brain. I couldn’t resist, I texted back.. “I cud but u didn’t, u txtd :P Nah im playin, sure no probs”. I chuckle to myself at my lame joke and resume getting my ass handed to me on ‘Street Fighter’. Not before long I hear that familiar sound my phone makes when a text comes through. Once again it’s this ‘Katie’ chick, but why!? surely we had nothing more to say. I proceed to tickle a few buttons on my phone until it gives in and shows me the text. “Haha lol u are funny thanks x x :)Capturex x”

SWEET NIBBLETS!! What was going on!! my message wasn’t THAT funny!! I’m my biggest fan when it comes to my writing but that text did not deserve a ‘haha’ as well as a ‘lol’. I start to panic………was I being too ‘nice’?………no, I couldn’t have been…….she probably just didn’t expect me to be nice at ALL……but HANG ON!!….I look at the text again………………2 smiley faces AND FOUR KISSES!! OH NO!! Could this be possible!? Had I unintentionally FLIRTED with this 14 year old girl!! I quickly scan through the previous two texts…….both ending with ONE kiss which is normal for girls….BUGGA!! Somehow I had managed to be charming enough to receive TWO forms of laughter, TWO types of smiley faces AND four kisses!!…….FROM A GIRL WHO IS ALMOST A DECADE YOUNGER THAN ME!!! 4 deep breaths, 2 ear rubbing “woooosa” moments and 3 chill pills later I decide this is nothing to worry about. What was done was done, no harm no foul……BUT as if riding on the tails of the last text another one lands in my inbox!! I pick up the phone begging it to be someone else……a David, a Chris, a Joey or Abi, I’d even settle for an Orange Wednesday notification!! but you know as well as I do that that was not the case. “Hi is Joe back x x wat is ur name x”.

The good news is the kisses had gone down, the bad news is she is blatantly now using my brother as an excuse to find out my name. I mean, after all it had only been 15 minutes since her first text. I force myself to stay calm and fire back a… “Nope still not here yet, I’ll get him to call u when he gets back”. “Sorted” I tell myself. No charm, no humour, no leads for further interaction between us. I had conducted the perfect text that stopped anymore exchanges of messages. I stand there with a smile on my face patting myself on the back like fathers do to their sons after they win their first football match. *Brrring* WHAT THE!! How!? Why!? I was so careful, I covered all my basis. “Ok lol how are u x”. How!? Why!? The good news is I’m back to one procedural kiss, the bad news is I’M FREAKING OUT!! HOW DO I GET OUT OF THIS!! ITS A DIRECT QUESTION!! I cant be rude to her, she’s been nothing but nice to me, PLUS she’s my little brothers friend (or even more) so a “I’m gud now bugga off” was out of the question. I decide to ignore it……she wont text again if I don't repl……*Brrring* “Ok lol how are u and how old. Wats ur name again? x”. I DIDNT TELL HER MY NAME IN THE FIRST PLACE!! She has actually edited and re-sent her message ADDING two more questions!! So much for ‘Ignore the problem and it’ll go away’. What do I do!! What if my brother finds out and thinks I’ve been trying it on with this ‘Katie’, what if my parents find out….they’ll think I’m some PERV!! Then the police will find out and within seconds helicopters outside my house, a SWAT team jumping through my window, hound dogs sniffing my crotch!!! NEIGHBOURS PEERING OUT THEIR WINDOWS COVERING THEIR DAUGHTERS EYES AND GIVIN ME DIRTY LOOKS!!! I’LL BE HAULED TO THE GROUND!!! THE JAPANESE GUY WILL KO PERFECT AFTER PERFECT WHILE IM SHOUTING “IM INNOCENT!!!…….I DONT EVEN KNOW A KATIE, EXCEPT THE ONE WHO CALLED ME BUTTERMAN IN PRIMARY SCHOOOOOL!!!!!”…………then it hit me……I click on ‘Create message’……“My name is Colin, Joe’s dad, I’m fine thank you”……………problem solved.

Monday, 23 March 2009

Paul Blart: Mall Cop Review

This is usually the type of film I avoid but as it stars Kevin James I thought I would give it a go. I have been a fan of his since his consistently hilarious role as ‘Doug Heffernan’ in ‘The King Of Queens’. Those of you not familiar with the series SHAME ON YOU!!!! GO HIDE SOMEWHERE!! DONT EVEN BOTHER THINKIN UP AN EXCUSE, JUST GO……WHY ARE YOU STILL READIN?? GETS-TA-GETTING!! MOVE ALREADY!! THATS IT IM COUNTING TO 5……..1……….2…………3………..4……….4 AND A HALF……hmmm i guess you had those parents too eh……you already know nothing happens when they’ve finished counting don't you….fine well….i guess you can stay. This film had many genuine LOL moments but it also had an overpowering amount of ‘haha…..hang on, this isn't even funny’ moments. Usually when I find certain parts boring in a film I would start counting popcorn kernels, but as I didn't have popcorn I counted the amount of burps I belched out, analysing how badly each one smelled of the Nando’s chicken I had eaten before. I'm not sure if you can judge the level of boring parts from my burp tally but there was 4. Kevin James has brilliant comedic timing but this is put to waste on the mediocre jokes and gags holding this film together. Now I'm not saying it was torture because believe me I am a fan of tearing into films that disappoint but at the same time it wasn't exactly impressive. One thing I am not a fan of is these comedies that ridicule a character beyond belief for comedic value. Films like ‘There’s Something About Mary’, ‘Punch-Drunk Love’ and ‘Meet The Parents’ where the lead character tries so hard to keep things normal and be happy but absolutely NOTHING goes their way until the end. Paul Blart is another example and I'm not saying there are not hilarious gems born from some of these type of situations but sometimes they go too far and its almost like watching someone being bullied for their lunch money…………AND I REALLY WANTED LUNCH THAT DAY!!! IT WAS CHEESEBURGER TUESDAY!!!…………oops……erm……………nah I'm playing, i was never bullied, which I still don't understand, I was a prime target, the round glasses, the computer interest, the oversized blazer, those bullies really missed out. Anyway I think I'll shut up now coz I'm pretty sure I can hear someone counting popcorn. To conclude, unless your a Kevin James fan this one can wait til its shown on TV.

Thursday, 19 March 2009

An Old Pic Of A Young Toro

I found this drawing in a box among some of my old junk. It must be about 6 years old, I vividly remember drawing it from a picture in my nan's TV guide. Me likes.

that dude

Wednesday, 18 March 2009

I Will Destroy you!!

This is an trial piece I have animated in Maya. Unfortunately the model is not mine but the animation is all me baby!! The sound clip is taken from “I Now Pronounce You Chuck And Larry”

Sunday, 15 March 2009

A Spoon Full of Pixels Helps The Medicine Go Down

I randomly came across this building and thought “Ooooo how snazzy"!!” so i snapped it up….not like i grabbed it and stuck it in my pocket but snapped as in took a photo. After a quick Photoshop touch up this was the result which I really like….have a look-see at the enlarged version


Urbanisation Photoshoot



Friday, 13 March 2009

Gran Torino Review

After watching this film and the recently viewed ‘Changeling’ I feel as if I'm in a parallel world where the word ‘Film’ is defined as story’s of pure excellence. Where ALL films being produced are EPIC or MASTERPIECES or CULTRAL INFLUENCES!! A world where films like ‘Beverly Hills Chihuahua’ and ‘Space Chimps’ don’t exist. Where people like ‘Keanu Reeves’ and ‘Ashton Kutcher’ are merely fast food employees who serve you everything but what you ordered. This film is simply AMAZING!! Amazingly written, amazingly directed, amazingly well acted (with the exception of one), and amazingly paced. Its like everyone who worked on the film had a BA degree in amazingness!! Like it was a requirement or something!! If you didn’t boast how amazing you are on your CV then you didn't make the cut. I can just see the HR team now, going through all the Resumes……."I am reliable, self-motivated, can work well in a group and I’m amazing…….yep…he’s in!”

This film focuses on a grumpy, war hardened veteran who recently lost his wife and now lives in solitude, protective of his bubble of desolation. Things take a turn when the Asian family next door is thrust into his life (can I get away with that?….thrust!?……..sounds a bit wrong…..hmmmm……no don't change it….no leave it alone…..look the damage is already done… your just drawing attention to it, no one even noticed it….people say ‘thrust’ all the time…..just do like Barbara Windsor and ‘Carry on’… know, Peggy!?…..oh never mind…JUST GET ON WITH IT!!!)

Beneath the raw surface of this temperamental character lays a old man in a forever evolving world. Whilst assumingly mourning the loss of his wife he also begins to lose the fight on his prejudice ways leaving him vulnerable to accept the new world around him. This is all displayed amazingly (last one i promise) in a mixture of violence, foul language, brilliant humour and excessive racial slurs balanced out with heart-warming unifying scenes. I must say Clint Eastwood really is getting better with time and what surprises me the most is how funny this geezer is. I was in tears at some of the gags but best of all is his unintentional comedy. You know how everyone knows someone like an uncle or granddad who says things in a dead serious tone but ultimately comes across in a hilarious way, Eastwood is just like that.

All throughout the movie I was in awe of the film making, such class, such couth. It was like a lecture on cinematography, I felt like I should have been taking notes, I had my eyes peeled the whole time……..JEEZ!!! what a HORRIFIC SAYING!!! You never really realise how awful some sayings are until you write them down…..HAD MY EYES PEELED!? COR BLIMEY!!!……….oh great here comes the visual……no,no,NO,NO!! THATS FOR POTATOES!! PUT THAT DOWN!!!….whoever came up with that saying I hope your happy!! IM GONNA HAVE NIGHTMARES NOW!!!

I highly recommend this film to everyone, its an exceptional piece of work which I will definitely add to my DVD collection. (ok this is the last one) Amazing!!

Changeling Review

Firstly I wish all films had a title that taught me a new word (‘Changeling’; a child surreptitiously or unintentionally substituted for another……how about that!!… to find out what ‘surreptitiously’ means lol) I have nothing but praise for this film, and you cant even pin it down to my easily impressed nature because Jolie got an Oscar nomination for this. Angelina truly astounded me with this performance. Just like her partner Mr. Pitt I never really considered her an actor who faired well in serious roles and seeming quite one dimensional in ability. Obviously there are the exceptions such as ‘Girl, Interrupted’ and ‘The Bone Collector’ just as Pitt had ‘Babel’ and ‘The Assassination of Jesse James’ but even still she never struck me as a stand out performer….or of ‘virtuoso’ status (hey you gotta keep using these words if you want them to stick lol…… readers are like “what the hell”) I am proud to say I was thoroughly impressed by how she grasped this mildly difficult role but turned it into a performance that she probably now writes in red capitals, in a bigger font size, then circles and highlights on her CV.

She portrays a very reserved and dignified woman who loses her son and is bullied by the police who force a different boy upon her and insist it is her son. It was the perfect role for her to show off her versatility and prove to people, like me, how talented she actually is. This is exactly what she did, she WOW’d the socks off me so much that they hit me in the back of my head with all sorts of foreign stamps on them looking like Richard Branson’s passport. Two thumbs up from me, and hell I’ll even throw up a big toe (…….erm…..i do hope you understand I'm not actually “throwing up” a big toe, I'm putting it in the air like you do with thumbs….Id hate you to think I'm some sort of cannibal who has a strong preference for big toes, who occasionally throws them up after seeing a enjoyable film……just to clarify…….oh dear….)

The direction was pretty darn snazzy too, you could tell someone with experience was behind the wheel. Its times like this that I'm glad I am not a serious film critic as there are numerous opinions from serious film buffs saying how Clint Eastwood played it safe and didn't really put much effort into this project. I, however, feel differently. I was very pleased with the overall direction of this film. Sure it didn't have any fancy camera tricks or experimental qualities but this is a film that has a strong enough story to be the driving force and indeed it was. It has ridiculous emotional control, its as if the film literally sticks an antenna in your heart and drives it about like a remote control toy car!! A job well done in my opinion….i give it two thumbs up, hell I’ll even throw up a big toe……hang on…..aint I already did this bit…..Anyhow…this is definitely worth your time so when someone stops you in the street and asks you for your watch in exchange for the DVD say YES!!

Are you impressed??…..a whole review on an Angelina Jolie film without once mentioning her lips………DAMMIT!!!

Wednesday, 4 March 2009

Vicky Christina Barcelona Review

Here we have yet another Woody Allen gem. I remember talking to Woody right before I saw how hell had frozen over on the news and saying how awesome it would be if a fit woman like Scarlett Johansson made out with another fit woman like…I dunno…Penelope Cruz and here we are 2 years later and what do you know, Vicky Christina Barcelona comes along. I think our next conversation will include how awesome it would be if a certain Daniel Jackson won the lottery!! This was a thoroughly enjoyable movie experience. Mr. Allen's films for me are always pleasant because they are uniquely simple with regards to the story outline, and dialogue. Its almost childish film making, but amongst all the serious films that focus on making you feel certain emotions his films are, mature yet refreshingly light-hearted entertainment. Not that I'm adverse to using my brain whilst watching a film but sometimes it's nice to watch a film outside the comedy genre that doesn't require as much concentration as playing that ‘Operation’ game.

Since Scarlett’s performance in ‘Lost In Translation’ I’ve thought she would exceed in more ambitious roles however, since then, I am yet to see her in a role that offers more than shallow, novice, portrayals. I guess in this instance it was appropriate due to the nature of the film…..speaking of which, Woody does like to have her in a lot of his films….hmmm….dirty old man…….filthy old man…..LUCKY OLD MAN!!!! Someone who really impressed me in this film was Penelope Cruz, her character was so interesting to watch…AND THATS NOT EVEN AN INNUENDO…..I ACTUALLY MEAN HER CHARACTER!! She plays a slightly neurotic ex-wife who has a real dark side to her personality which is shown exceptionally through her performance. I understand now why she was nominated for Best Supporting Actress at the Oscars. So both her beauty AND her performance blew me away…IM SURPRISED IM STILL HERE…ALIVE….AND NOT A PILE OF DUST PARTICLES IN THE CORNER SOMEWHERE….IM LIKE THE LITTLE PIG WHO MADE HIS HOUSE OF BRICKS :D not that Id deny her to blow me away………now that WAS an innuendo………sorry…….yes I am ashamed of myself…..I am I swear……what smile??………I'm not!!……well now your making me smile……….THATS CHEATING!!! Anyway I'm rambling now so I shall conclude by saying VCB is definitely worth your time if your in the mood for something not too heavy or complicated

Tuesday, 3 March 2009

My Fate Lays In Your Hands

You know those sites that supposedly tell you when your going to die and how its gonna happen etc I recently went on one (YES IM THAT BORED, WHY DO YOU THINK IM HERE WRITING THIS BLOG…….yea keep laughing……14th August 2021 – Fall out of a flying car, not so funny now is it huh!!) So anyways I was on one that gave a plausible result based on my age, weight, height, hobbies and such. Then It predicted my death will be due to old age (they obviously didn't take into account my pizza addiction). Now I know for a fact….well almost….that I will die to the hand of a beautiful woman. All my male readers will appreciate this, how many of you have spotted a woman who makes Eva Longoria look as attractive as pea soup when you are crossing the road?? Its like a evil trick by the man downstairs to put a beautiful woman in your line of sight just before you start crossing. Its been happening since the time began….why did the chicken cross the road?? BECAUSE HE SAW A SMOKIN HOT CHICK which led to his tractor related demise…but they don't tell you that part.

Now this has happened waaaaay too many times, I have seriously narrowly avoided some potentially fatal accidents due to a Elisha Cuthbert look-a-like flaunting her assets. Us men cant help it, its like a trigger is set off in our brain where when we see a stunning lady EVERYTHING else is a big blur of unimportance, whether it be changing traffic lights, a falling tree, or walking into the middle of a gun fight!!! By the sheer amount of times this has happened to me I know that that’ll be my way to go. And these women don't even care!!! They have no consideration what-so-ever!! They just walk on the pavements without a care in the world FULLY KNOWING THAT SOMEONE IS CHECKING THEM OUT!!! I recall once I saw a real beauty with legs as long as the queues in Alton Towers. Not only had my life been jeopardised but also the motorcyclist who almost sped into me because he saw her too. Hot female’s shouldn’t even be allowed near roads…..its as good as putting a bullet through our heads!! They might as well buy us a pair of football boots, put them on our feet, place a bucket in front of us and paint a target on it!! DAMMIT IM GONNA START A CAMPAIGN TO GET ATTRACTIVE LADIES OFF BUSY STREETS!! Also you ladies with boyfriends and husbands should back me up here because it don't matter how hot you are, your man can fall victim to another hot lady’s collation of road kill. Like I said, when a stunning lady enters our line of sight EVERYTHING, including however many years of commitment you share, is compromised. The cheek of these women…..ah well……what better way to go than at the sight of a Beyonce looking female, bring them on.