This idea randomly came to me, I wish I could give you the thought process but unfortunately that's not how my brain works. The image just popped in my head and before I knew it I was on my way to the newsagents to get myself 2 copies of the Daily mail.
Wednesday, 25 February 2009
So at my old workplace it was necessary to use the lifts to access the many floors of the building. As you may find, being in lifts can often be socially awkward…well….actually its probably just me. Silly things rush through my mind like “Do I know this person”, “Is it worth starting a conversation, I know he’s getting off at the next floor” or “Is not talking being anti-social and rude?” After a while I settled for quick witty comments like “Hi Heather, like the skirt, I’ve got the same in red” or “Sup Kennedy, you look full of beans today, your not gonna fart are you”. Something short and simple that may induce a slight smile but wont lead to a full conversation.
Just as I felt I was getting the knack for it I was thrown a curveball. In walks a person I see everyday, and say hello to at least 4 times a day. Our greeting is always the same. He nods his head and says a very calm but bold “DANIEL” to which I do the same (but obviously with his name). However, this time as he says his expected “DANIEL” my mind suddenly goes blank, seriously blank….blanker than that green dude in Street Fighter (sorry). If you opened up my head you would literally see a blank piece of paper, a dictionary that’s blank all except for the definition of ‘blank’, a blanket and a DVD copy of ‘Point Blank’. WHAT IS HIS NAME!!! I was outraged with myself, how could I forget this guys name, We’ve worked together for months!! I start panicking…OF ALL THE TIMES TO FORGET HIS NAME, WHY WHILST IM STUCK IN THE LIFT WITH NO WINDOW TO JUMP OUT OF!!!!!!……‘Calm down and think’ I instruct myself (in my head, just to clarify…that would be a bit of a give away if I said it out loud) So I think….Frank? Tim? Simon? Stuart? ‘THINK DAMMIT’ but its hopeless, my mind is emptier than a K-Fed concert. It seems like ages since he shot that “DANIEL” bullet my way, I have to say something!! I let out a hesitant “DUUUUUDE”…….
…..It is not well received. He looks at me with a face full of shock, disgust, and confusion as if I had just declared my undying love for him. Can he see the fear in my eyes, can he see that the “DUUUUUUDE” I responded with was the result of misplaced data in my names archive? He still stares at me all confused, like ants when a leaf interrupts their path and they don't know what to do. I had messed up the routine, I had thrown a spanner in the works, now we just stood there not sure what happens next. The lift now feels so much smaller, just me and the giant pair of eyes glued to me, a bead of sweat drips from my forehead and nestles on my eyebrow then suddenly “DANIEL”. He said it again!! why did he say it again!! Did he think I didn't hear him the first time?? Did he think my “DUUUUDE” was just a random thing i say to pass the time on my journeys in the lift?? Now what do I do, I cant say “DUUUDE” again, that didn't go down well. In pure desperation I shout out….."Or Danielle as I like to be called on the weekends”….again, it is not received well. After starring more at me with a look that suggests he took what I said seriously he then picks a spot on the floor to stare at as if ashamed to be in my presence. There is a painful silence as we both stand avoiding eye contact. After what seems like a decade we reach his floor. He steps out the lift, turns to me and again nods his head, ‘OH NO, DONT DO IT’ I think, but he does anyway. He hits me with a 3rd “DANIEL” which this time signified a goodbye. Nothing had changed, my mind was still emptier than a family KFC bucket in a black household after dinnertime.I felt dreadful but as there was no black hole to dive into I frantically reached for the ‘close door’ button and pounded on it repeatedly. Through the gap I see him walk away and just as the doors shut………...Steve, damn
Tuesday, 24 February 2009
IM PISSED OFF!!! There I was watching the Oscars and gleaming in the ambience of Slumdog Millionaire’s success as they bag award after award, then they reach Best Director where Danny Boyle is giving his speech and thanking all these people. At this stage I hit the pause button, lower my eyebrows, stand to my feet, throw my right fist in the air and shout “I HAVE A DREAM!!!”…..no wait, that's not right…..errr…….oh yes that's it, I shout “WHERE THE HELL IS MY THANKS!!!!!” I DISTINCTLY REMEBER HAWKING CANS OF SLUMDOG FOOTAGE BACK AND FORTH ACROSS SOHO, SWEAT POURING FROM MY FACE, MY ARMS TREMBLING UNDER THE RIDICULOUS WEIGHT OF EACH CAN, THE SOULS OF MY FEET BURNING WITH EVERY STEP LIKE I JUST CAME OUT OF THE DEVILS SAUNA AND DROPPED SOME STEAMING HOT CHILLI SOUP OVER MY FEET!!! DAMMIT IF YOU CAN THANK THE SOUND EDITOR YOU CAN THANK ME!! 8 AWARDS, 8 ACCEPTANCE SPEECHES, AND NOT A SINGLE MENTION OF DANIEL JACKSON!! WHAT IF I HAD GATHERED ALL MY FAMILY MEMBERS AND CLOSET FRIENDS TO SEE ME GET A SHOUT OUT, I’D BE SITTING THERE LIKE A RIGHT MUPPET AS I GET OVERLOOKED BY A GAZILLION PEOPLE!!! THE CHEEK!! IF YOU CANT REMEMBER ALL THE PEOPLE YOU NEED TO THANK WRITE A LIST!!!!!
Monday, 23 February 2009
Here are some grunge inspired digital paintings I did. After messing about with Mario (yea yea laugh it up……you disgust me you know that!!) I realised I liked the style and was inspired to do a few more, my favourite is Mickey. Hope you like!!
Saturday, 21 February 2009
So I'm still staring at this woman who although I think is disturbingly ugl.......unattractive I cant stop looking at. Then something amazing happens, something that made me smile a smile of relief. I look closer....I notice the flat chest.....I look harder.....I notice an Adam's apple....and that's when I hear the voice, a deep, rough, uncompromising MALE voice.....IT WAS A DUDE!! I knew something was wrong!!! Its not physically possible for women to look that ugly....It was just a man...who's dress sense was a little confused...who's probably been hit in the face with a brick....that was attached to a baseball bat....who, had it not been for terrorist suspicions would have befriended the closest balaclava to save people from turning into stone (in a good way of course....I'm not mean I swear) Then just as I was coming to terms with it all something even more shocking happens, he leans over to his right where an exceptionally beautiful woman sat, a straight ten, and shares a very sloppy snog session with her!!! I wipe the stunned expression of my face and continue my journey wishing I had this guy's good looks.
Tuesday, 17 February 2009
Ok so I have spent like 3 weeks trying to figure out whether or not I like this film (not solely doing that mind you, its not as if Iv been sat like ‘The Thinker’ statue for 3 weeks solid in deep contemplation, starving myself therefore not needing toilet breaks…….err…….where was I again…..oh yea, closing brackets) So I gotta admit I still haven’t reached a decision so this review will probably be just a short ramble from yours truly. I clearly remember leaving the cinema with a baffled look on my face, the same look Id make if you asked me to point out Kazakhstan on a world map. Will Smith is one of my favourites in the magical land of Hollywood. I still remember watching ‘The Fresh Prince Of Bel-Air’ giving myself similar names such as ‘The Fresh Cat Of Lewisham’ which admittedly never had the same flow off the tongue but hey I was still at an age where Smarties and Ice cream was a suitable breakfast. I had expectations of elephant proportions for this film as the last offering from Smith and Muccino was ‘The Pursuit Of Happyness’ which I bet even left Vin Diesel with a tear in his eye. I'm surprised cinemas didn't cover the floors in Charmin kitchen paper towels to absorb all the tears and avoid mass drownings. I bet Titanic fans who once cried everytime Jack dies now sit through that film unaffected. Unfortunately I dont think ‘Seven Pounds’ has that same emotional control although it clearly tries to.
Smith’s performance gets a biased 2 thumbs up, the man can do no wrong in my eye’s (is that how the saying goes?? can do no wrong in my eye’s?? Thinking about it he probably could….I mean, I wouldn't trust him to give me laser eye surgery or anything) But yea he easily reached virtuoso status….(virtuoso :P it means ‘exceptional performer’…its my word of the Day….I try to fit them in in an attempt to sound smart but usually forget them as soon as I reach the next sentence). I must say the chemistry between him and Rosario Dawson was amazing. They worked together before in ‘Men In Black 2’ where they also served as each others love interests but this time you notice the growth and depth of their craft. Despite the passionate performances the story for me lowered the films marks substantially like my dissertation to my overall degree grade. I felt robbed of the special ending it built up to. That being said, I'm sure after another viewing I would watch it for what it is and appreciate it more rather than watching it as a descendant of ‘The Pursuit…’
At the end of the day, although I’m still baffled on a verdict (and as to where Kazakhstan is) I will not hesitate on the purchase of this film on Blu-Ray when it comes out, now if you’ll excuse me I'm off to have some smarties and ice cream…..no not for breakfast……I swear!!!
Friday, 13 February 2009
Ok so I'm at Charing Cross train station. After seeing my train wasn’t arriving for another 15 minutes I wondered into WHSmiths, as I usually do, to look at the magazines (no not those ones……well maybe one or two). After a quick scan through the usual suspects ‘PS3 Official’, ‘Mobile Choice’, and ‘OK’ (DONT JUDGE ME!!!) I drift over to ‘Blu-Ray Review’ where I indulge my inner…..and outer geek. This is a magazine that feeds you so much technical news you’ll probably poo out Blu-Ray player info for a week!! Pixel management, audio codec's, screen resolutions, future releases, ratio’s, you know, all that sexy stuff. Then I turn the page wide-eyed from reading that ‘King Kong’s" arrival onto Blu-Ray is nearing and I see the all too familiar face of WALL-E.
Now anyone who knows me knows the 2 things that make me happier than a kid with an all access pass to Disneyland. Pixar and Pizza. I immediately throw on my swimming trunks and dive into the article. It is yet another 2 page spread on how WALL-E is the best film to hit Blu-Ray (they seriously have different variations of this article EVERY ISSUE). Now seeing as they are not saying anything new you would expect me to rush through it but no…..Instead, I stand there with the biggest smile on my face and read every word slowly making sure every sentence hits me like an Muhammad Ali punch. Now this is understandable you may think, you’d probably do the same on a topic you were extremely interested in. But tell me, would you re-read the article in fear that you missed something important? Coz that is exactly what I did, as if the words had suddenly changed, like the page had some sort of wi-fi connection and had just received some breaking news!! Seriously, what was I expecting to read?? the film had come and gone in the cinemas, the DVD and Blu-Ray had long been released, all that’s left is the Disney on ice adaption!! I just couldn’t pry my eyes away from all the compliments and admiration jumping off the page.
So now you’re thinking “I know where this is heading……” and yes, you would be right, I DID miss my train, BUT….I had been so immersed in all this WALL-E stuff that not only did I miss my train but the following train (which FYI comes 30 minutes later) was 1 minute away from departure!! I dropped the magazine as if it had suddenly burst into a colony of poisonous ants and legged it to my platform. Luckily for me the barriers were open so I didn’t have to waste time fumbling for my travel card. Unluckily for me the train doors took pleasure in shutting in my face leaving me standing on the empty platform like a right dooshbag. Not only did the train seem amused by this act but it waited another 90 seconds before departing as if it was teasing me!!! It was like an evil ‘Thomas the Tank Engine’ that wore a face of satisfaction and an evil grin!! DAMN YOU NETWORK RAIL!! and DAMN YOU WALL-E!!!
This isn't even the first time WALL-E had screwed me over, in fact there have been many occasions in the past. Viewing a youtube video of WALL-E on the red carpet made me late for the last showing of ‘The Dark Knight’ that evening. Looking at the back of the PS3 WALL-E game in HMV somehow added an extra 15minutes to my lunch break and got me in trouble at work. Reading the ‘Empire’ review on WALL-E made me forget about picking my lil brother up from school. Ahead of me lay another 30 minutes til the next train so what do I do? go back into WHSmiths to read that article again :P