I saw Santa today!! No, really!! He was in Bexleyheath shopping centre coming out of the toilets!! Which got me thinking……does Santa really have elf's that make all his toys or does he go to Argos and order like 100 of everything?? I mean, I know he can fly all around the world in one night and fit down chimneys that can barely accommodate a leg, but, having powers over thousands of little elf’s seem a tad unbelievable if you ask me. And what if it is true and he does have all these little dudes in funny curly shoes. Is he holding them there against their will?? Some sort of elf slavery!? What if they don’t want to make toys!? What if an elf had a degree in architectural design?? or 4 years of med school under his belt?? are they forced to work in his factory letting their skills and qualifications subside? Man, Santa is a hard-ass!! I reckon them poor elf’s feed him loads all year in hope that he gets so big he cant move and they can run away as fast as their little legs can carry them!! FEED HIM ICE-CREAM SPRINKLED WITH CHEESE!!! Poor elf’s……forced to wear silly hats that make them look uneducated. I bet they are insanely intelligent!! I bet they’re always telling Santa he should set up an email client to handle his mail so he doesn’t keep getting paper cuts from the many ‘Dear Santa’ letters. Bet they even revamped his Santa suit and put a zipper so he can have easy peeing access……speaking of which, I’ve never really thought of Santa needing the loo. What if he’s giving out presents and he had one too many glasses of milk?? does he pop outside and write his name in the snow?? or does he just use the owners toilet?? I mean, its one thing to break in, stretch out their chimney and eat cookies that may or may not be left out for you, but to use their toilet and leave the seat up……tut tut tut SHAME ON YOU SANTA!!! SHAME ON YOU!!!! WHY DON’T YOU TAKE A NAP IN THE SPARE ROOM WHILE YOUR AT IT HUH!!! OR TREAT YOUR SELF TO SOME WHITE WINE FROM THE FRINGE!! HELL, PUT ON THAT DRESSING GOWN, KICK BACK AND CHECK UP ON YOUR FACEBOOK PAGE MATE COZ AFTER ALL, YOU PUT A HOMEMADE OPTIMUS PRIME RIP-OFF ACTION FIGURE UNDER THE TREE!!!! YOU DISGUST ME!!!!!!!!!!
Thursday, 17 December 2009
Wednesday, 16 December 2009
As I wonder about the shop waiting to be collected by my interviewer I cant help but smirking at how focused I am about this interview. I had done my meaningless research, dressed appropriately to match their indie-esque style and had even listened to indie music on the bus ride coming up. I had my answers prepared, covering a vast variety of subjects and was ready for anything they could throw at me, like some sort of dodgeball guru. I also have what I call my ‘Golden answer’ which gift wraps every cliché interviewers want to hear in a modest and personal answer to the question ‘What do you like about Retail?’ which might also be disguised as ‘What do you like about Sales?’ or ‘Why do you want to work in Retail?’. The only thing that could throw me off my game was if the interviewer was a gorgeous babe with a sexy voice. I’m then called over by a gorgeous babe who introduces herself and tells me in a sexy voice that she will be conducting the interview……bugga!!
Despite the elaborate cleavage……err……i mean eyes, that I’m sure will acquire more viewings than The Dark Knight’s opening weekend, I manage to remain focused as though I had temporarily turned gay. She takes me through a 6 page print-out that has over 20 questions. I’m quick with my answers, witty with my remarks and maintain confident body language and presence. I even brush off thoughts of her moonlighting as a call girl on evenings……thoughts that later resumed on the bus ride back. Around mid-point in the interview she asks me a straight forward, pablum question. But not just any question. THE GOLDEN QUESTION!! “What do you like about retail?”. “Well…” I say with a smile, as I prepare to dazzle her. “I genuinely like retail because it’s so busy, I enjoy working in fast paced environments, there are always things to do, especially with this stores location…” I somehow continue to smile without using my mouth because I am reciting this answer word for word how I had written it. “…also I love the customers I know most people hate customers deep down but I think they keep a job interesting, I love the interaction, there is a great feeling knowing you have provided good assistance to someone, even when dealing with rude or difficult customers, knowing you kept calm and dealt with the situation with understanding and professionalism…and get a good result from a position like that, its a really good feeling”. I put my hand on my chest, nod my head and let out a heartfelt tear. NAILED IT!! She buys into the false sincerity, welling up herself and jotting some notes down……ok so maybe I’m exaggerating with the tears but dammit when the film of my life comes out, that’s how it will happen!!
I’m on a high, nothing can ruin this!! I was like an accompanying picture next to a ‘How to do a good interview’ article. I envision myself teaching a class on interview techniques, and insisting pizza is the new apple to the teachers pet. “Ok, what do you enjoy about sales?” the lady says interrupting my thoughts. Huh!!………WHAT!?……but…BUT……THAT’S THE SAME QUESTION!!! YOU CANT JUST REPHRASE A QUESTION YOU HAVE JUST ASKED!!!……I wrack my brain trying to come up with a good response but all that’s coming to me is stuff I had just said!! CANT SHE SEE SHE HAS JUST ASKED ME THE SAME QUESTION TWICE!! Can I just say “See above”?? Time is ticking away, I look at her as she notices the desperation in my eyes, but I have nothing!! I cant repeat stuff I have already said!! I have nothing!! I’m completely blank!! Blanker than a blank dictionary with nothing but the definition of the word blank………hold on……I’VE ALREADY USED THAT IN ‘SMALL TALK’!!! AAAARRRGGHHH!!!
It was like trying to un-pause my brain with a remote without batteries. It feels like I’m falling down a large staircase, tumbling so hard you would think I was blogging. This must look so bad!! Worse than when I whipped out the lip balm when that girl shouted ‘kiss my ass’………or the time I spent 15 minutes in hmv considering whether buying a Miley Cyrus 2010 calendar was a step too far. The lady eventually grows tired of my embarrassing silence and tells me we can come back to the question later. She continues to fire questions at me but I fail miserably in trying to regain my rhythm. I’m all over the place, only partially focused on the questions being asked and mainly on how much damage that skipped one had done. Three quarters of the way through I realise it was hopeless, the few minutes of bad had undone the initial brilliance I had started with. My face by that ‘How to do a good interview’ article had been replaced with some shhhmuck in a bow-tie. I call it a day, put myself on auto-pilot and spend the rest of the interview looking at her “eyes”.
OK *cracks knuckles* the first thing that immediately comes to me, like a well trained owl, is how BLOOMING WHINY THIS BELLA CHICK IS!!! Now I’m a man who can tolerate a fair share of whininess from hot girls BUT DAMMIT THERE IS ONLY SO MUCH A MAN CAN TAKE!!!!! Boohoo; Change me, I want sparkly skin too!! Boohoo; Don’t leave me, how will I make all the other girls jealous!! Boohoo; I’m miserable, I’m gonna sleep in the forest and let racoons nibble on my elbows!! Now, I don’t know if racoons reside in forests and I’m too lazy to wiki it but I know for certain that I would rather have a full body wax than hear her moany voice ever again!!!!!! How emo IS this girl!!! WHEN YOU MISS SOMEONE DO YOU SERIOUSLY SCREAM BLOODY MURDER EVERY NIGHT LIKE YOUR THE VICTIM OF AN EMINEM FANTASY!!! At least in the first movie they were a little more subtle about it. In this one it doesn’t go 5 seconds without a visit from the Emo-fairy releasing puffs of black dust full of confused, emotionally charged tendencies, and despondent desaturation. “There’s a hole in my chest”, “I don’t listen to music anymore”, “I’m gonna jump off a cliff to see what is probably a mirage of you”. SHE ACTUALLY JUMPS OFF A CLIFF!! ARE YOU FREAKIN KIDDING ME!!! IS THIS SERIOUSLY WHAT YOUR LEAD FEMALE CHARACTER IS PORTRAYING TO HER INSANELY ENORMOUS TEEN FANBASE!? THAT WHEN A GUY LEAVES YOU YOU GO PSYCHO AND JUMP OFF BLEEDING CLIFF’S!!! JEEZ!! and all her moaning is over the dumbest things ever!! Not because her mum died of cancer……not cause she was homeless and is forced to kill racoons for dinner……not cause she works 20 hours a day in mines looking for rare diamonds…no, instead its coz she cant be without a good looking immortal for more than an hour!! AND TELL ME THIS!! WHAT WAS UP WITH THE WEREWOLF BOY BEING TOPLESS ALL THE TIME!!!?? Oh no, your bleeding, let me take off my top. Oh no, Ginger Spice left the group, let me take off my top. Oh no, a racoon is chewing off my long artificial hair, let me take off my top……(i dunno, racoon on the brain I guess). I reckon this whole film is just so Pattinson and Lautner can walk down the red carpet again surrounded by teen girls…or at the very least, girly teens, and get their ego stroked like a chick with small hands to an inadequate, manhooded man.
I can say however that the CGI wolves were pretty darn snazzy. If I’m ever to get attacked by a werewolf I hope its as snazzy as the ones in this film……if not I may just disallow it from tearin me to shreds. Another thing I can take pleasure in was the welcomed lack of Robert Pattinson, although they did try to make up for it by having him topless near the end……an image I’ll keep quarantined in a 3-headed dog guarded room……along with the image of my aunty proving to herself that ‘she’s still got it’ by doing the Beyonce booty shake. People go on like these films are amazing but personally Id have more fun drawing a scar on my forehead and shouting ‘Wingardium Leviosa’. I yawned so much it looked like I was rehearsing a lion roar or summin. You cant just say your a good movie and expect everyone to believe it, in the same vein that I cant stick a Christmas tree up my butt and call myself an angel. Right, now if you’ll excuse me I have a lot of work to do if I’m to stop Eclipse from coming out next year………camera eating racoons!?………its worth a shot
Monday, 23 November 2009
After seeing this film i am convinced that Roland Emmerich harbours some deep seeded hatred for the world he resides in. Here is a man who has undoubtedly destroyed the earth on a number of occasions in his mind and ultimately cinematized a few of these thoughts into Hollywood blockbusters. He is a dangerous guy and to be honest I would prefer he direct his movies from a padded cell somewhere via webcam. Don’t get me wrong, I think the man is a great, I just don't want him to get carried away one day and say “you know what's cheaper than paying those bloody 3D artists heaps of dollars? NUCLEAR WEAPONS!! does anyone have George Bush’s number?”. I personally never grow tired of seeing the world attacked, whether it be through alien invasion, excessive flooding or cataclysmic destruction keeping an appointment marked on their Mayan calendar right next to a dentist appointment. I love it!! So much so that the people in my screening were treated to an additional show of destruction consisting of me standing on my seat, gritting my teeth while I ripped my ticket in half……footage that's bound to make it on the dvd’s bonus features. Some say this is no more a film than a budding post graduate’s VFX showreel however I disagree. Fair enough the story isn't the strongest we have ever seen but I’m sure it could beat Brock Lesner in an arm wrestle. Yes we have the mindless annihilating but there is a sub plot that is somewhat reminiscent of Stephen Spielbergs’s War Of The Worlds. Except John Cusack is the new Tom Cruise playing the well-intentioned, feckless father with a dissilient relationship with his son. But I ask you, people, do you want to see a man reconcile with his family OR DO YOU WANNA SEE CRAP GET BLOWN UP!!!!! C’MON, WE ALL KNOW I’M A SHALLOW MOVIE LOVER WHO WOULD RATHER SEE A WATERMELON GET HIT WITH A ROCKET THAN SEE PEOPLE SHARING THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS!! THIS IS WHY I PICK YOUTUBE OVER FACEBOOK ANY DAY!! Therefore, I declare ‘2012’ a mind-blowing success!! It does what it says on the tin so if your not interested in pulchritudinous world subversion and relentless massacre then keep walking and perhaps get the tin of beans further down the isle. This is entertainment in its purest form, organic entertainment if you will.
Ok i think its safe to say *sniff sniff* that not all films are for entertainment purposes *wipes tear from face* and some are actually made to warn us of potential world ending events. And now, *uncontrollable sobbing* as buildings around me come crashing down……and Sri Lanka drifts and settles next to a horizontal Big Ben……I would like to say SORRY ROLAND EMMERICH!! So you got it wrong before, we had no visit from Godzilla……and we penalized you for that 10,000 BC rubbish, BUT DAMMIT YOU KNEW THIS DAY WOULD COME AND YOU TRIED YOUR HARDEST TO MAKES US AWARE BUT WE JUST GIGGLED IN YOUR FACE AND PASSED AROUND POPCORN EVEN THOUGH THE KERNELS GOT STUCK IN OUR TEETH!! WHO KNEW THAT BOY WHO CRIED WOLF WAS ACTUALLY NOSTRADAMUS IN DISGUISE!! *sniff* IF I SURVIVE THE WAVE OF FALLING INFLAMED ROCK FRAGMENTS, THE COCA-COLA LORRY CLAIMING THE HOLIDAYS ARE COMING THAT'S HURLING TOWARDS ME, AND THE INTOXICATING SMOKE THAT’S INVADING MY LUNGS FROM THE FIRE THAT IS TURNING MY 3 FLOORED HOUSE INTO A BUNGALOW, THEN I WILL SHAKE YOUR HAND MR EMMERICH……*wipes more tears from face*………AND GRAB YOUR GIRLFRIEND’S LEFT BUTT CHEEK……*sniff sniff*……COZ LETS FACE IT, PEOPLE WILL HAVE A LOT MORE TO WORRY ABOUT THAN THIS YOUNG SURVIVOR WHO GRABBED A LADY’S LEFT BUTT CHEEK *sniff sni……
Saturday, 7 November 2009
Erm…ok, let me start by saying WATCHING THIS FILM WAS THE MOST TORTUROUS THING I’VE EVER HAD TO ENDURE!! AND IM A FORMER SAW VICTIM!!! I HATED IT!! I ABSOLUTELY HATED IT!!! Now some would argue “Dan, how could you hate this film, it has Megan Fox in it”……and I would reply “YOU OBNOXIOUS, DESPICABLE, WORTHLESS, SON OF THREE TABLE SPOONS!!!!!” then I’d drop-kick them for being so shallow. Yes Megan Fox sometimes has an attractive quality about her, you know, once the three tubs of make-up is applied, but seriously, If your gonna watch this film for her then your better off doing a google image search. She just seems so slutty in this film its a major turn off. Its like she is purposely portraying the image people condemned her as……but anyway where was I?…ahh yes………THIS FILM IS SOOOOO RUBBISH EVERYBODY INVOLVED IN IT’S EXISTENCE SHOULD BE STRIPPED DOWN, CUT INTO BITE-SIZE PIECES AND SOLD IN SUPERMARKETS IN TOWNS WHERE CANNIBALISM IS LEGAL!!!!! I would rather trade places with a British soldier being held hostage by Iraqi extremists than watch that film again!! I would gladly be held solely responsible for the catastrophic world Armageddon events of 2012 (you’ve seen the posters) ID RATHER BE BLAMED FOR THAT THAN WATCH THIS PIGEON POOP AGAIN!!! This film should be locked away in a steel volt surrounded by a circle of fire, garlic and kryptonite!!! Jennifer’s body my ass!!……(hmmm)……In fact, had this film been 90mins of camera footage of Jennifer’s “Body” alone, it would have made a far better film. I knew it was gonna be pants, why didn’t I listen to my instincts!!! I thought coz its the same writer as ‘Juno’ (Diablo Cody) it would have at least a few elements of charm and wit, BUT NO!!! Diablo should be ashamed of herself!! If I was her I’d migrate somewhere. Build myself a lil igloo and chill out til this whole thing blows over. If I was the Oscars I’d take that ‘Juno’ award back and tell her to go back to stripping!!. To be fair the premise was a treat of possibilities but they chose to have Megan Fox’s Harry Potternss over select males as the driving force…BIG MISTAKE!!! Ok I must admit there was one scene that I liked but girl on girl smoochin is a thumbs up in any situation……I could be watching Laa-Laa kissin Po and throw my thumbs up like I’m trying to guide an incoming aeroplane. All in all this film is a major fail!! WARNING: NOT SUITABLE FOR OXYGEN DEPENDANT BEINGS
Friday, 6 November 2009
I open the front door and Buster is looking up at me with a mixture of excitement, angst, and impatience. Now, I haven’t had that cocktail of feelings for a while but I don’t recall circling around on the spot as he is currently doing, which usually indicates he’s about to do a poo. This leads to his lead wrapping around his neck…he lowers his head embarrassed. I should probably make clear that Buster is a dog that I’m looking after for a few days and not a little child on a leash I have locked up, that has never seen natural daylight. It is time for Busters evening walk and there is nothing he likes more than to go on one of his walks……well, actually, that’s a fairly loose statement as I’ve only been with him for a couple of days……for all I know he enjoys lemon flavoured cake icing or classic episodes of Blossom more than these walks. Maybe he hates these walks and the only reason he is excited is because we pass a window where a Persian cat resides who is fairly attractive even to me. I unwrap the lead from around his neck and we are on our way. We embrace the evening twilight……hey i didn’t want to use the word but that’s what we were embracing……if we had something else to embrace I would have said it but there wasn’t……ok fine, but only coz I don’t like that word either……we embrace the wooden fence we pass. Buster is happy, wagging his tail left to right and right to left like windscreen wipers during heavy downpour. He looks like a right little explorer, inspecting every nook and cranny, I reach into my pockets to give him my Sherlock Holmes hat, pipe and magnifying glass but then remember I have none of those items. I make a mental note to get them, for no man should be without a Sherlock Holmes pipe. Buster continues to sniff about like he is looking for some missing treasure. I tell him “Johnny Depp has probably snatched that up already” but it doesn’t faze him. It amuses me how he stops at every single tree, bin, and lamp-post to have a little pee, which he then sniffs to make sure he has hit his target. I’m surprised how much pee this little dog has. A LOT!! A LOTTA PEE!! We’re 70% water but this dog is 70% pee. Anyone would think he had been deprived of peeing privileges all his life. I smile as I realise I needn’t fear getting lost as I could follow the trail of Buster branded pee all the way home. If only Hanzel and Gretel had a dog they could have enjoyed a nice sandwich on their journey, ah well. I suddenly feel extremely ‘mature’ and ‘responsible’ walking a dog. I want to climb up some mountain and shout “HEY, LOOK AT ME!! I’M WALKING A DOG!!! I’M RESPONSIBLE!!! I’M MATURE!!! I CAN DO YOUR TAXES!! I CAN INSURE YOUR HOUSEHOLD POSSESSIONS!!!”. This is short-lived as I see a young boy walking his dog who probably cant even spell ‘possessions’.
We reach the window with the Persian cat and I stop to give Buster a chance to put his drooling skills to good use. He doesn’t seem bothered and looks away but I don’t buy it. I’m less convinced than when my granddad wore a birthday badge saying ‘20 today’. As we head off again I notice Buster is dragging me more than usual……I mean he’s practically walking me!!!…he’s like a herd of horses while I’m just Cinderella's pumpkin chariot, which, to be fair is quite normal but he is really stepping on the gas at the moment. This doesn’t distract his explorer duties. Now he just explores twice as fast putting Dora to shame……don’t judge me for that reference…how else am I to learn Spanish!! I’m dragged a few blocks before Buster hits the brakes and parallel parks outside a house. I look across the lawn and through a window I see ‘I Am Legend’ playing on a large flatscreen TV. I stand there looking at how amazing the film looks in HD, fully aware I was a stranger looking through someone’s living room window. It wasn’t the first time but at least this time I don’t have binoculaaaaa…“aaAAHHH BUSTER NOOOO!!!”. He is circling and his face reads no signs of angst or impatience. I try to pull him away from the lawn but my efforts are met by a force of resistance that is only familiar to contestants of the “World’s Strongest Men; Tug Of War” competition. Buster had suddenly become an immoveable object, like I had tied a rope around a building and was trying to shift it. Buster postures up…arching his back…spreading his legs…tilting his head to the left. I tug again at the leash but to no avail. Its pointless, absolutely pointless!! I may as well be peeing on a pregnancy test stick!! I give in and let him do his thing……man, Will Smith really nailed that part…look at him too shy to talk to that mannequin……just go talk to it……go on, she wont bite……hey, why has he frozen……who paused the film!! so rude!!! But then it happens…a man comes to the window and looks directly at me.
“AARGH!!” I look down at Buster hoping by now he had finished his business but no, he is still perched there with a newspaper as casual as ever. How long does it take!! I look back up at the window and the man has now drawn his attention to Buster with his eyebrows so low they might as well be on his chin. Now I’m panicking!! I eat a can of spinach and try again to pull Buster away but again nothing. HAVE YOU BEEN LIFTING WEIGHTS WHILE I SLEEP!! I hear shouting coming from the house and as much as Id like to think its a warning to Will Smith to kill the zombie on the left, I’m pretty sure its from the man watching a stranger let his dog deposit faeces on his front lawn. I look up again but the man has disappeared. I then hear the rattling of door locks “OH SHIZZLEWAPPS!!!!” I say……no really… “BUSTER WE GOTTA GO!!”. Buster takes a few steps then sits down on a clear part of grass to wipe his butt. “NO TIME FOR THAT BUSTER, C’MON!!”. The door opens unleashing a harmony of F-this and F-that. MY HEART IS BEATING LIKE AN AFRIKAN TRIBAL DRUM!! “BUSTER!!!” I yell. Buster has one more courtesy shuffle then gets up and we leg it down the road leaving a very angry man and a suffocating fetor behind us. What a close call I think to myself, that guy was about to eat ME up and return the favour on MY front lawn!! We reach my house and as I open the front door Buster starts circling again. “DUDE SERIOUSLY!!! WHAT ARE YOU, 70% PEE AND 30% POO!?”. I unwrap the lead from around his neck. He lowers his head embarrassed and drags me inside.
Friday, 23 October 2009
I’m a man who loves a good scare, seriously, if you hid in my wardrobe and jumped out screamin’ “AAAAARRGGGHHH!!! IM A SCARY PINK BUNNY!!!!” forcing me to drop hot porridge down my top that leave mild burn marks on my skin I would be ear to ear smiles……you know, after my heart starts beating again. That being said, I'm a huge horror/thriller film fan and I absolutely love the month October. Forget it being Black history month, to me its the month that brings a much welcomed gift basket of blood n guts, gore montages, suspense and serial killer lunacy. The problem is that there are a lot of horror films that fail miserably to evoke any type of reaction from me. I’m a guy who likes to get goosebumps so hard they could grate cheese!! I therefore always make sure I am in the right type of environment and mind frame to give the film every opportunity to scare the maracas outta me……(unfortunate mishap while having dinner in Mexico…but that’s another story)
Paranormal Activity is one of those special films that come out once every so often that blows you away…or in this case, has you shaking so hard your chair gets aroused. It’s almost as scary as old dentists……but lets face it, nothing is as scary as old dentists!!! Some of the best horror films are the ones with no gore, no visual attacks and a bucketful of suspense. This is that sort of film. It does not rely on any fancy effects to get your heart racing. Instead it takes a subtle approach, using its modest budget of $11,000 to get you into a space where you are terrified with every light flicker or footstep. It kinda reminds me of ‘The Others’ in its story telling method. I think it is a genius way of scaring people. Director ‘Oren Peli’ uses the element of ‘not knowing’ to scare the audience. We are merely given suggestive subtleties that instead of showing you what to be scared of, leaves your imagination to create what you consider to be scary and ultimately leave you in a draconian state of fear. Paranormal Activity is another film that successfully uses the handheld camera technique like ‘Cloverfield’ and ‘[Rec]’, without the nauseous shaky camera nuisance. It is made in a documentary-esque style which is highlighted by the realistic acting (not on the same level as [Rec] but commendable nonetheless). I must admit it did take a while to get into and the first half is somewhat of a mediocre bore but things begin to pick up midway. By the end I was left slightly paranoid. Could it have been the shadows on the walls?? or maybe the squeaking door?? or maybe the old dentist standing in the corner watching me?? In any case it gave me the fear I love to experience and gets my two thumbs up……well just one actually, but you see, I was biting my nails so much I didn’t stop til my left arm was half gone and I’m typing this one handed (Thank God for the second shift key or question marks would’ve been a problem). Anyway SEE THIS FILM!!! IT HAS NORMAL ACTIVITIES THAT ARE SOMEWHAT PARA!!! :D (8/10)
Wednesday, 14 October 2009
I'm so sorry for the recent lack of posts people. I feel as thou Iv let you all down, and in turn let myself down. I hang my head in shame. I'm a screw up!! Don’t offer me any sympathy, I'm a major FAILURE!! I'm right up there with George Bush and ‘Elecktra’!!! I'm like a Bart Simpson essay paper!! Like a joke with a weak punchline!! LIKE WILL SMITH IN A COWBOY OUTFIT!!!! I’ll just stand in this corner until I have something useful to post. I can only apologise and permit full legal rights for you to hunt me down, beat me up, and steal my little pony. I shall kick my self into gear and get some stuff up asap or so help me I’ll kidnap my own brother!! IM SERIOUS!! I’LL DO IT!!!
Monday, 28 September 2009
Well I must admit my experience did not start off very well. As with most recent 3D films Pixar’s ‘UP’ trailer was shown. My most highly anticipated film since ‘Wall-E’, claiming it was coming to our screens “Summer 2009” which it clearly didn’t!! I couldn’t resist yelling out a very passionate “SUMMER MY ASS!!” which made all the surrounding kids and parent look at me. I then realised it sounded as if i had offered “SOME OF MY ASS!!” which clearly granted the faces of disgust and concern. Anyhow, let me start by saying this film was AMAZING!!! UTTERLY ENTERTAINING IN EVERY SENSE OF THE WORD!!! IT ENETRTAINED MY EYES, MY EARS, MY BRAIN……EVEN MY ELBOWS WHERE LOVIN IT!! It was exactly like my last karate teacher Sensei Shanal (I do crack myself up sometimes……why isn’t anyone else laughing………SENSATIONAL!!?………there you go). Putting aside the beautiful visuals, the jaw-dropping attention to detail and the fact that this is supposedly a “kids film”, it was one of the funniest films I have seen in ages!! I’m telling you folks, I could not stop laughing!! well actually I did stop once but when you have a butt itch it deserves your full attention. I was IN STITCHES!! and I’m not talking about my jumper!! This is a true animation that appeals to the toddlers, who still don’t appreciate the invention of the toilet, all the way to the elderly, who don't understand what animation is and are trying to figure out how they covered a whole town in ice cream. I had no real motivation to see this film other than it was in 3D and from the trailer it didn’t look like the worse film in the world. I was quite dubious with my curiosity seeing as what it did to the cat and all. However, I’m so glad I saw it because it truly is one of the best films this year.
The characters are so well thought out and interact brilliantly, each provide individual hilarious aspects to make the town of ‘Swallow Falls’ an exciting location. The voice talents are exceptionally cast (Although I must admit I have no idea who Bill Hader was until I Imdb’d him). Hader plays Flint Lockwood, an inventor who has very similar issues to the younger, shorter, and lets face it, more adorable Jimmy Neutron. His inventions don't always go as planned but he is desperate to prove himself. Anna Farris provided her character Sam Sparks with a very endearing quality and puts her as one of my favourite CGI female characters along with ‘Boo’ from ‘Monster’s Inc’ and ‘Dory’ from Finding ‘Nemo’. One stand out performance was from Mr. T who plays an athletic, dedicated, over-active town cop and a loving father to his little son Cal who has the most square shaped head EVER!!, it looked like he had a cardboard box on his shoulders. There are also some breathtaking wide shots so anyone with bad lungs stay well away. There are pant-soiling visuals such as a tornado made of spaghetti bolognaise and a giant Jello house in the middle of a field that truly astounds. There is a particular shot when these purplely-orange radiant clouds drift in that looked so damn beautiful tears streamed down my cheeks……oops…err……did I say tears? i meant SWEAT!! running down but BUTT CHEEKS!! IT WAS HOT IN THE CINEMA!!!………FINE, I CRIED!! BUT THE GUY BEHIND ME HAD A HOTDOG WITH A LOT OF ONIONS SO WE CANT SOLELY PIN IT DOWN TO THOSE CLOUDS!!!
What I still cant get over is that this egg was laid by a ‘Sony Animation’ chicken!! Who you ask?? The people responsible for the film we do not speak of (Open Season) and the equally mediocre ‘Surf’s Up’ and ‘Monster house’. ‘Cloudy’ is like a son from a dull, unpopular, isolated family that grows up to be a infamous entrepreneur. Dare I say it achieves what Dreamworks still fail to do and that is almost come on par with a Pixar film. Will wonders never cease……well?……WILL YOU??……OI WONDERS IM TALKING TO YOU!! Anyways, THIS FILM IS AWESOMISATIONAL!!! But I could be talking rubbish, you gotta see for yourself…… like when I went into battle with a Parker and ultimately proved the pen is NOT mightier than the sword, ITS A MUST-SEE!!!! (9/10)
Sunday, 20 September 2009
Immediately as I walk into the cinema I realise that someone had turned the volume up to an immense amount. An advert for anti-piracy dances across the screen and I’m literally vibrating in my chair like a ringing phone that's addicted to Red Bull. The sound waves are bouncing off the wall like giant surfers listening to Michael Jackson……see what I did there :D……no!?……oh……blast I'm losing my touch. The sounds boom into my ears forcing my ear drum player to go all Travis Beaker on them. How’d he fit them cymbals in there!! The trailers present themselves to us as I try to ignore the ridiculous volume levels. This proves insanely difficult when lights are falling off the ceiling and each on-screen explosion causes a new crack on the wall. By the time the film starts I’m already halfway into my popcorn, partially deaf and sitting in an auditorium that now has a sunroof!! The film by-passes all the livers, lungs and intestines and thrusts you straight into the heart of the action. It’s a thing of beauty!! Guns. Grenades. Explosions and corpses!! Everything that appeals to your average man. They couldn’t make this film more masculine if they attached a pair of testicles to the title!! The action was naturally intensified by the speakers which were working overtime to ensure my ears were bleeding with every sound. Even the whispers were like ambulance sirens playing through arena speakers!! Its the type of film that doesn't necessarily need to have the best of storylines and truthfully it doesn’t, but what it does have is a brilliant premise. The idea of controlling real people through gunfire environments does have an appeal……like a Satsuma :D (peel……Satsuma……no!?………man, what's up with me today)
Gerard Butler does a good job in the role of the in-mate trying to gain his freedom by donating himself as a character in a game. Although he acts it convincingly i must say, its not the hardest role for him, in-fact it seems to be a perfect match. Its always good to see rapper Ludacris moonlighting as an actor, although all of his roles thus far has been a very one dimensional angry black man. Also Michael C. Hall makes a very whimsical, loveable bad guy. This isn't surprising considering ‘Dexter’, where he plays a serial killer with morals, is going into it’s forth season now. I must say this film isn't for everybody. Its the sorta film that can easily give you a headache due to the fast paced camera movements and merciless lighting acrobats. It has a very ‘Crank’-esq style in that respect……sorry, hang on…… “what do you want Joseph?……speak up!!……what!?………quit mucking around and say whatever you wanna say already!!……I CANT LIP READ, SPEAK UP!!!!!!……OH CRAP!!!……IM SO SUING THAT CINEMA!!!
Sunday, 6 September 2009
Here is a photo I took (ok I didn't ACTUALLY take it coz I’m in it, but I told my sister how i wanted it and where to stand and stuff) I gave it a Photoshop makeover and here’s the result. That’s my lil’ bro in the bag, I love him, i could say “Dillon, stand on that shaky bridge over that volcano so I can take a photo” and he’d be doing back flips on that bridge lol. I'm quite pleased with the result, kinda looks like a magazine cover.
Hold on a second, why is this freshly sharpened spear hovering loosely above my head!! Hmmmm. As a fan of the 'Final Destination' franchise, I am sad to say, this forth instalment was as much appreciated as a bald guy receiving a set of combs for Christmas. There I was smiling ear to ear looking extremely casual considering I was wearing huge 3D sunglasses over my normal glasses.The title flashed before me and as usual I can not resist reaching out in front of me and trying to stroke the words. The film proceeds to bore me with a recycled story, half-hearted effects and cheesy 3D shots.It was as exciting as going to the zoo and seeing a wasp!! If your gonna do a sequel you need to have a story that is worth telling. A story that is bigger and better than the previous. A film that adds to the previous. This film did none of that!! It was just another showcase of implausible killings. Don't get me wrong, I love pointless deaths as much as the next guy (er….wow that sounds wrong…IM NOT THE NEXT BIN LADEN I SWEAR!!!). Why on earth is this giant fan next to me??……Meh. It was like a retelling of the 1st one but with weaker deaths. One thing I loved about this franchise is the creative ways people died. This film was just plain lazy. PEOPLE ARE STILL GETTING HIT BY BUSES FOR PETE SAKE!! IF I SEE THAT HAPPEN IN ANOTHER FILM I’LL THROW MYSELF IN FRONT OF A BUS!! (unless its going to Peckham, I’ll die before I take a bus to Peckham……hang on…I guess that would work out just fine…) Not only were the deaths lame, they had absolutely no fear factor to build them up. I know this isn't the type of film you watch to get the jeebers scared out you but they could at least TRY!! I'm not expecting to be cringing so deep in my chair that someone sits on me not realising the seat is already taken. I just want to feel slightly unnerved and not like I'm watching an episode of ‘Friends’!! Err……ok who left that banana peel on the floor??……hmmm. Even the slight twists they put in each film has gone out the window. The 2nd film had a reverse death list, the 3rd had clues in photographs, which I thought was brilliant. This one, the dude has premonitions of clues to each individual death, which leads me to bang the official ‘LAME’ mallet. Mind you, I would really like that ability, just imagine, there I am, about to brush my teeth when the toothpaste falls of my toothbrush!!!! WHITE FLASH!!! and I'm standing, looking in the mirror. Guess who’ll be extra careful applying their toothpaste to avoid catastrophic consequences……ME!! :D Anyway before I post this review I'm just gonna lean back and stretch my arms……OH NO, I’VE HIT A SWITCH……OH NO, ITS TURNED ON THE GIANT FAN!!!……OH NO, IM BEING BLOWN OFF MY CHAIR!!!……OH NO, I’VE SLIPPED ON THE BANANA PEEL!!!……OH NO, THE FRESHLY SHARPENED SPEAR IS FALLING!!!!! WHITE FLASH!!!……extra careful applying their toothpaste to avoid catastrophic consequences……ME!! :D Anyway before I post this review I'm just gonna lean back and stretch my arms
Thursday, 3 September 2009
Saturday, 22 August 2009
So I'm sitting on the train blowing my nose, scratching my left butt cheek and trying to get out a bit of turkey wedged between my teeth, none of which is relevant to this story but sharing is caring. I look around the carriage at all the angry rhinos in business suits giving each other judgemental looks and generally being angry and miserable. Id be the same if I had to wear a suit all the time. Maybe they should switch it up and throw on a tux…have you ever seen a miserable penguin? So anyway among the crowd (which by the way is emitting a disgusting ‘hard days work’ sorta stanch into the air) I see a man. He is about 40 years old, wearing a grey suit and has a very dignified look about him. Believe it or not that is not what made me spot him out the crowd (as much as I like the look of dignified 40 year old men in suits). It was in fact a very noticeable travelcard he had sticking out his forcefully clenched lips. Now, I understand the clenching of the lips because lets face it, if anyone stole his travelcard he would be in a whole heap of dragon poop. What I didn't understand was WHY exactly he had the travelcard in his mouth in the first place!! I observe him further to see if maybe he was in transition, perhaps he was organising himself and ran out of hands……you know how it is……sometimes you have a phone in one hand, a melon in the other, and no way of holding up your travelcard. Alternatively sometimes you have a photo in one hand, lotion in the other and no way of performing the task which you have these items for. I inspect the man as if he was trying to smuggle fish n chips out the country to reveal our secret recipe to the rest of the world. I couldn’t let that happen!! What else would we have for people to associate us with??……BAD WEATHER!! NOT ON MY WATCH!! He didn't appear to be organising himself…nor did he look like he had chips and a bit of Cod stashed away in his pockets. I was confused, but more so, I was curious! There in the middle of a heavily packed train is a man…in a suit…with a travelcard hanging out his mouth…somehow looking DIGNIFIED!! This guy is crazy!! Like someone rubbing 2 lighters together trying to start a fire……or the person who said “Hey, lets make a parody movie on superheroes” ……or Mariah Carey for thinking she could verbally outdo Eminem!!
As I stare at him, it occurs to me I'm staring at him, which is probably why he spots me and turns to stare at me. This is usually where I realise I’ve been caught staring and turn away all red, or as red as my skin pigment will allow. This was different though. This time I couldn’t turn away!! Like I was in a trance!! Like he was hypnotising me with his dignified eyes and the power of the travelcard. Was this the start of something?? Would I then stick MY travelcard in MY mouth and stare at someone else until they have a mouth of pre-paid train freedom?? Like some highly contagious virus that cant be stopped until every single person on earth has one in their mouth!! What kinda world would that be!! A world where people hum words down their mobiles!! A world where couples flick travelcards together romantically instead of kissing!! A world where all food is deposited through straws!! I CANT LIVE IN A WORLD LIKE THAT!!! PIZZA SLICE MILKSHAKES!? AGAIN, NOT ON MY WATCH (note to self; buy watch with more features). Luckily he breaks eye contact and turns away before I was completely in his control. I then feel the need to take a photo of him on my phone. It could have been to show my friends this crazy nut or it could have been to get his face shown on the 10 o’clock news to warn people of his dictating, mind-control powers, I cant quite remember. I slowly take out my phone and pretend to type out a text message, holding the phone up just high enough to see over the chair in front of me. The lady sitting beside me looks rather worried but I was doing it for her own good, along with the thousands of others unaware of this evil mans plans of world domination!!
[Menu]……[Camera]……[Photo mode]……hang on, why’s it so blurry!!!…blast, its on night mode!!…[Settings]……[Normal mode]……focus……FOCUS!!……oh crap!!……he’s spotted me!! he’s staring at me again!! I look away only to be staring face to face with the lady next to me who seems more disturbed by me trying taking to take a picture of the man with a travelcard in his mouth than the actual man WITH A TRAVELCARD IN HIS MOUTH!! I giggle nervously which in hindsight may have been a bad move as it attracted the attention of the surrounding passengers. I look from one pair of eyes to the next…and the next (then 3 more after that) with a dumb distorted smile on my face as they stare at me. Now its all eyes on me. The man, the lady, and everyone else within earshot of my giggle are looking at me like I'm off my rocket. “HOLD ON A SECOND!!” I want to yell “IM NOT THE CRAZY ONE!! IM NOT CRAZY!! HE IS!! THE GUY WITH A BLOODY TRAVELCARD IN HIS MOUTH!!……IM NOT CRAZY!!…LOOK HE’S SMUGGLING FISH N CHIPS!!”. I look back at the man but there is no travelcard!! Just a 40 year old man…in a grey suit…looking dignified!! I look down at my feet and go red, or as red as my skin pigment will allow……I'm not crazy :(
Wednesday, 19 August 2009
So I'm sitting in a a very posh looking reception with my interview smile on, my interview shoes on and my interview tie strangling me half to death. I have an interview. All is good. I feel confident, the only problem is I also feel extremely tired!! I had spent most of the night before trying to cram meaningless information about the company into my brain. It felt like I had gone back in time and was guzzling down Red Bulls and trying to learn 2 years of GCSE science in one night before my exam……(which probably explains the double ‘E’ grade I was awarded)……erm……sorry my brother just farted……I’ve lost my trail of thought……JEEZ THAT STINKS!!!……ok, where was I?………no seriously, THAT REEKS!!! THAT COULD KNOCKOUT A MAMMOTH!! A MAMMOTH BUILT LIKE A HOUSE!! CALLED BRIAN BRICK!! WHO DRINKS PROTEIN SHAKES MADE OF LIQUEFIED IRON!!!……ok…ok…sorry, yea so I’m sitting there waiting to be called in by the interviewer who I imagine to be a moody old lady who hates life, hates the company and takes out her frustration on young, unsuspecting interviewees. I look around, the receptionist is busy tappy-tapping on her keyboard and repeatedly answering calls. I figure she is hacking into Facebook accounts and corresponding with her associate ‘Shikha’ in India on best ways to cover her tracks. I’m onto you lady!! If I get home and my status reads “Daniel Jackson still wets the bed” I’ll be onto you like fly’s on nappies……who’s owners have diarrhoea!! The lady suddenly drops the phone, looks up at me and shouts “YOU STOLE MY LEMONS!!!”. “What the…………I certainly did not steal your lemons!!” I mumble nervously. She continues to look at me in disgust. I could read her face like a book!! Chapter I; IM GONNA KILL YOU………Chapter II; IM GONNA FEED YOUR CORPSE TO A HOMELESS HAMSTER……Chapter III; LUNCH BREAK. I sit there looking Bedazzled with a face like Brendan Fraser. She hops up onto the desk, revealing an odd pair of fluffy slippers with the face of Trevor McDonald on them, and starts stomping her feet. “GIVE ME BACK MY LEMONS!!!” she bellows. Believe me, if I had them I would definitely give them back, I don't want Trevor McDonald’s face up my butt!! But in any case, is that the way to ask for them back?? You cant just yell out demands!! It didn't work when Aerosmith screamed ‘WALK THIS WAY’ and it wont work now!! She drops down in front of her desk and begins walking towards me. “Oh crap” I think. “Trevor’s about to give me the 10 o’clock news first hand!! She stops inches away from me and proceeds to give me a……LAP DANCE!?………hang on a second…………oh no………no, no, NO, NOOOOOO!!!!! IM ASLEEP!!!!! WAAAAKE UP!!!!!!
There is a flash of white light and I’m suddenly back in a reception where the receptionist is busy tappy-tapping on her keyboard and repeatedly answering calls. Whoa…that’s not good!! I do a quick dribble check, pinch myself to help me stay alert, then check my bag to make sure no lemons were there…(there’s no telling what came after that lap dance). After a few minutes I feel my head jerk back……STAY AWAKE DAMMIT!! YOU AREN'T GONNA GET A JOB IF THEY FIND YOU CURLED UP IN A BALL SLEEPING AND SUCKING YOUR THUMB!!! I stand up and walk to a painting on the wall. Its of a mermaid. It’s so life-like, the colours are amazing and the brushstrokes so elaborate. I raise my hand and run my finger over the painting to fully appreciate the texture……Outta nowhere the painting starts falling and my reflexes kick in, unfortunately they actually kick in. I throw my leg forward somehow hoping my foot would stop it from dropping but instead, rips a lovely hole through the heart of the canvas. SWEET NIBBLETS!!! MY INTERVIEW SHOES ARE INBETWEEN A MERMAIDS BREASTS!! I turn to the receptionist expecting to see her aiming a shotgun at me. She seems more interested in this lady who is viciously walking towards me. I'm a dead man!! As the lady gets closer I realise I know this person, and as a result I let out a very surprised and confused “mummy!?”
“WHAT HAVE YOU DONE!!” She yells with such force that I’m gusted against the wall. “That was a present from Nicole!!” she says pointing to the receptionist. What’s going on?……Why’s my mum here?……and how does she know this lemon crazed, Facebook profile hacker!!! “Daniel!?”. I cant possibly be sleeping again…IM STANDING UP!! “Daniel!?”. I look down at the painting…ITS VANISHED!! and I’m sitting down in my seat!! “Daniel!? do you want to follow me please!”, my mum continues. Is she gonna have me arrested!! It wasn't that good of a painting!! “DANIEL!!!” “MUM I HAVE TO STUDY, I HAVE MY DOUBLE SCIENCE EXAM IN THE MORNING!!!” I reply. everything fades to black like ‘Just For Men’. I open my eyes and a lady is standing above me. “Daniel!?” she says. “Do you want to follow me please!”. “What’s the point” I think, as I follow the her through the building. She sits me down in a room that has a strong dominating scent. I look at the cup the she is taking a sip from………lemon tea………hmm, interesting.
Monday, 8 June 2009
I’m in ‘Quicksilver’ with my friend Abi looking at clothes and bags, stroking almost everything I see like every item is a large eyed fluffy bunny rabbit. I pay a certain bag extra attention, admiring the design and craftsmanship even though its identical to the 6 year old one I have on my back. I show it considerable respect even sneaking in a quick sniff to appreciate the scent my bag had lost many years ago. Abi looks concerned. I then notice stairs leading to a second floor and I immediately head towards them excited at the thought of another floor of items to stroke. As I reach the top of the staircase I’m greeted by a giant female bottom wrapped in a bikini. It takes me a moment to realise it was a picture on the wall and not a giant woman who had got lost on her way to the beach. I spend another few minutes starring at the picture before Abi’s face of concern makes a reappearance. I snap out of it and let the clothes caressing commence.
A little while later I'm sitting on a random beach chair situated in the middle of the floor all exhausted which is normal after a session of un-orthodox fabric rubbing. I look down at my hands to see the carpet burn-esq irritations I had developed but they are quite happily tapping away to the beat of this rock tune that was playing. It soon becomes clear to me that my hands were not crazy, they wasn't dropped on their knuckles when they were little, they did not incur any nerve damage that would cause involuntary finger spasms and in fact the tune they were tapping away to was actually a TUNE!! A TUNE I HAD TO HAVE!! I jump out of the chair and do a quick little dance……and by dance I mean I shook my hip to the left then the right in a very feminine way. After making sure Abi hadn’t seen my little “shimmy” that I’m sure I got from a ‘High School Musical’ routine I run to a man who I assume worked there. He didn’t. Slightly embarrassed I run to a lady who was standing by a till…somehow I’m hesitant as to whether she worked there or not so I ask “sorry do you work here?”. She looks at me with a face that says “What do you think dumb ass!! Actually no, in fact I'm a burglar who was after a little daytime petty theft when a customer approached me and I decided to cover the tills for a few hours”. I quickly cover myself by adding “of course you do, duhhh…sorry…err, was just wondering if you know who sang this song”. She tells me she has no idea but to ask the guys downstairs so I leave her to finish her work…..or thieving, and rush over to the staircase. Again I take a few moments to appreciate the huge ka’boose on the wall then bolt downstairs to find someone who could help me identify the song. I pass that bag again and before I know it my ‘fabric feeling’ fetish is reactivated and my hands are all over it. “What are you doing!! the song is gonna finish!! put the bag down and move away!!” I order myself. Reluctantly I oblige and put the bag back. Behind the counter is an impassive guy who seems quite engrossed with his fingers…perhaps he was disappointed with his manicure…no that cant be it, they look perfectly edible…I would love to run my hands over some fine cotton with THOSE fingers…I then conclude he was the lady upstairs partner in crime and was obviously trying to rub off the fake latex fingerprints he had put on earlier for the ‘job’. As a good citizen I would have said something but who am I to deny a couple of thief's a chance to earn a few hours of legit money. I approach the guy with a face that says “don't worry mate, your secret is safe with me”. “Excuse me mate, do you know who sung this song?” I ask. He looks up at me quite puzzled and fires back a “Nah, cant remember” then quickly walks away and disappears behind a ‘STAFF ONLY’ door.
I stand there at a complete lost. More lost than that TV show we all want answers to. More lost than that Coldplay song. More lost than that world of dinosaurs Spielberg found. I may as well have been surrounded my purple aliens who obsessively slurp Dr. Pepper through their shoulder located belly-buttons…which I guess you would call a shoulder-button……I WAS LOST!!! Had I done something to upset him?? Did he think I was an undercover policeman trying to suss him out?? Maybe he had seen me enter the shop and thought I was gonna ask him if I could stroke his t-shirt!! that's enough to freak anybody out!! The more I thought about it the more it seemed unlikely. He was just being plain rude!! I felt my eyebrows lowering so I start taking deep breaths before I turned green and suddenly appeared in stretchy purple shorts. What kind of customer service was that!! I know my question was not exactly Quicksilver-related but still!! That was just plain rude!! No customer deserves to be treated like that!! He doesn't even deserve to work there, they should fire him and hire that guy I thought actually worked there!! I should have got Abi to ask for me, she’s pretty, there’s no way he would do that to her!! he’d probably even make up some band to stay in her good books!! well he is officially in MY bad books. I grab an invisible pencil and write in my invisible bad book [Grumpy Quicksilver dude with the pretty fingers]. I should write a letter or something…a letter of complaint!!…receiving one of those is frowned upon. Get them some bad press. I can see the headlines now; QUICKSILVER GET LETTER OF COMPLAINT DEMOTING THEM TO QUICKBRONZE!!
The guy suddenly reappears looking quite remorseful. “Just asked my colleagues but they don't know either sorry mate. Its an old song though if that helps”. I thank him for his efforts with a smile and leave him to admire his professional modelling worthy fingers. What a nice guy I think to myself as I reach for my invisible rubber and proceed to erase him from the bad book. Abi looks concerned.
Monday, 1 June 2009
I have the answer to the worlds economic problems…YES…ME!!……Mr Daniel Jackson!!! Today we live in a world that is financially crippled, a world where people are scared to make investments unless its the lottery, a world with angry civilians who now walk angrily because bus fares and the price of petrol have sky-rocketed. Gone are the days where kids fought on the street because their mother was mildly disrespected, now they fight over who saw the grubby fiver on the floor first. Money, its why Michael Jackson sold Neverland, its the real reason Obama ran for the presidency, and its why we’ll be exposed to not only Shrek 4 but also 5. They say money cant bring you happiness but tell me people, isn't that feeling when you have just got paid and your walking home with a few bags after a 3-hour shopping session happiness?? wouldn't a starving kid in Mumbai feel ‘Happy’ if he was offered 250,000 Rupees?? I know I’d be happy if I somehow won £3000 or even better £3000 worth of Pizza Hut vouchers!!! The truth is money makes the world go round…(money being the name of that giant hand in space that spins our planet like a basketball ever so often)…So I feel its my duty to announce the solution everybody has overlooked the past few years. If the world needs more money……DAMMIT LETS PRINT MORE MONEY!!!! Lets face it, money is just man-made paper with famous dead faces on them. I reckon whoever was in charge of printing money has been sacked (recession irony……no?) and now people rely on money growing trees which we all know is ridiculous….unless your Bill Gates……he has 6 of them!! No I'm playing, I'm sure he is feeling the credit crunch like the rest of us, weeping into his $20,000 tissue made of pure white gold on his matching yacht, picking bits of Almas caviar out his teeth with a diamond studded toothpick…we all gotta make sacrifices. PRINT MORE MONEY!! But this ‘eureka’ moment has got me thinking…how can we (‘we’ meaning the world) have suddenly gone bust……I mean surely someone is absolutely loaded (apart from you Gates, jeez, rub our faces in it why dont’cha)…coz I mean money doesn't get thrown away, its not disposable, its the most recycled thing around getting passed on from one place to another, so I ask, where has all the money gone?? My guess is Bolivia!! I can see them now sitting on mountains of cash saying “You laughed at us for naming our currency after our country but who’s laughing now!!! I spit on your pounds and dollars, your francs and yens…THE WHOLE WORLD SHALL FALL DEFEAT TO OUR BOLIVIAN BOLIVIANO’S!!! Mwahahahahahaaa”.
Now I know what your thinking, its not actually about the physical money, its about the resources. But common it cant be THAT hard to solve!! Instead of proper crude oil lets sell cooking oil!! we can dye it black if need be, if it can cook your steak I'm sure it can run your cars. Also if we're running low on gas lets bottle up some elephant farts or something, it don't get any more natural than that!! While we’re at it we can set up some panda, polar bear and tiger speed dating sessions with Viagra pills on the house!! I'm telling you I have all the answers. In the words of Scar “Stick with me and you’ll never go hungry again!!!” Cue laughing hyenas.
Saturday, 30 May 2009
Have you ever been in that situation where you are minding your own business and you are suddenly hit by a fart smell that makes you wanna dial 999 and call for an ambulance. A fart smell that could erode all types of rock and could be considered a type of nuclear gas terrorist arm themselves with. You are absolutely disgusted!! The smell is horrific, its suffocating you, someone’s butt fragrance is invading your nose!! Its so strong it makes your eyes water faster than sitting in a sauna with 200 peeled onions. Its not even a normal passing fart, its one that lingers about like its waiting to be appreciated, like its waiting for a round of applause or some kind of award. It is one of the dirtiest smells you have ever encountered and you just cant understand how someone can harbour such deadly substances inside them. Though you hold your breath the smell persists and you have no choice but to eventually surrender and hesitantly breathe it in. It gets in your system like a virus trying to shut you down, re-wire your wires and unscrew your screws. How foul, how vulgar, how uncouth!! Has this person no shame!! Such total disregard for the people around them!! So ill-mannered!! No one should be allowed to discharge such an awful smell into the world, except maybe James Bond because he has a license to kill. It should be a felony!! Some kind of rebellious environmental breech that would have the National Geographic listing a mixture of global warming violations in order to have you arrested!! Then you subconsciously decide to show this person how outraged you are by looking at them with a face that says “I loathe you, you are less than dirt and I hope you burn in the pits of hell for the sin you have committed”………………but then you realise you are alone……there is nobody around you………and only you……and you alone……could have released that toxic odour. ‘Cor that was a bloody brilliant fart’ you think. ‘Ground-breaking. If only there was someone around to have witnessed it!!’
Thursday, 21 May 2009
Sunday, 17 May 2009
This is a drawing I did in Photoshop (I feel like I'm back in primary school doing a show ‘n’ tell……“and here’s a dinosaur I made outta left-over pasta, old chewing gum, and some smelly brown stuff I found on the bottom of my shoe…my daddy says its gross but he’s not an artist like me”) Anyways yea back to my drawing….erm….its me….erm…..roaring. Hope you like!!
Friday, 15 May 2009
Scotty, beam me back to the cinema, I want more Trekrifficness!!! I can honestly say, despite looking like the perfect candidate I am NOT a Trekkie, but by God J.J. Abrams has made me see the light!!………no he didn't kill me, I mean the light from the USS Enterprise. This film sits you down, smacks an upside-down ‘V’ on your chest, gives you a wooden ice cream stick to bite down on and fires you into warp speed into one hell of a good film. Seriously, the film is non-stop enjoyment at 1000 miles per hour!! At any point in the film you could have taken a picture of me and my hair would be flying wild, my teeth chattering and my cheeks fluttering looking like Woody in Toy Story when the rocket kicks in!! It DEMANDED ACCEPTANCE and dammit that's exactly what it got. When the credits started rolling people started clapping, some guys at the back leapt up and threw what was left of their popcorn as they swung their arms around each other and started hugging, fingers were placed in mouths to initiate loud whistles, THE THEATRE WAS FILLED WITH ADMIRATION (the only other time I saw rejoice like this after a film was ‘The Matrix Revolutions’ but that's simply coz everyone couldn't wait for it to end). One of the reasons this film was so good was the cast. I had my doubts about these newcomers and blooming Sylar from heroes but what can I say other than I was absolutely delighted with how each character was portrayed. Chris Pine done a refreshing take on Captain James Kirk, truly Trekmendous!! Its like he physically knelt down next to a defeated and worn down William Shatner, leaned in towards him, stroked his face, put on raspberry scented lip balm, puckered up his lips, closed his eyes and breathed new life into the character…sorry to be so graphic but I'm cursed with a graphic imagination……just picture the imagery i conceive when I hear things like “I’ll keep an eye out” or “I was wondering if I could just pick your brain”…..not pretty I promise you!!
Not only is the SFX and action sequences a match made in heaven (hehehe sounds like prearranged marriages) but they are not overly done in the sense that you cant differentiate between what's shooting what and who’s killing who…..say like…..*cough* Star *cough* Wars…..WHAT!?….I SAID BRA STORES!!!……WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT DON'T MAKE SENSE!?….ITS MY BLOG!! I DON'T HAVE TO MAKE SENSE!!
Abrams has really found the fine balance that makes this film appeal to the masses. From hardcore fans, who have every episode on DVD, a costume from every series, a star trek alarm clock and bed spread with matching curtains, to the people who are so outside the Star Trek universe that they think ‘warp speed’ is a type of drug that changes the shape of your face!! I actually have not a single thing to moan about, it was damn near perf……well actually, the teleportation effect could have been better, kinda looked like they were getting covered in glow worms…..but that's neither here nor there….or over there……no there!!…….look, OVER THERE!!……BY THE BOOKSHELF!!……OH FORGET IT!!……hang on….what's that sound………kinda sounds like angry Star Wars fans outside my window……I SAID BRA STORES I PROMISE YOU!!!! WOULD I LIE TO A MAN HOLDING A LIGHT-SABER!!……viewers it was nice knowing you :(
Thursday, 14 May 2009
Firstly I cant help be disgusted by the total lack of originality with the chosen film title. Seriously, is it that hard to come up with a new title or at least a sub-title...even 'The Fast and the Furious 4' would have been better. Anyhow onto the actual film. This film is pretty much like every other street racing styled car film and does very little to add to the franchise. I think all car films should have an extra summin summin to make it stand out. 'Herbie' had a personality that made Russell Brand look bland, 'Speed Racer' had race tracks that trump those of a computer game, Pixar's 'Cars' had the whole...well lets face it, its Pixar, it didn't need help standing out. The original Fast and Furious had the arsenal of hydraulic empowered cars with the CGI visualisation and was one of the first to do it. ‘2 Fast 2 Furious’ had Eva Mendes and Devon Aoki, Tokyo Drift had the benefit of import cars and the whole drift thing which was quite fresh. This film had nothing other than the return of the original characters which, as pleasing as that is didn't give it that push factor it needed. Anyhow you get my point. Another flaw was the lack of snazzy cars. To me that's one of the benefits of having street racing themed films. Its a chance to showcase a bunch of insanely amazing cars which we love to look at but know we'll never have (like watching America's Next Top Model......erm......not that I watch that show……that's on Monday's at 9pm on Living tv……COME ON ALLISON WOOOOO!!!!) There were hardly any cars that made my mouth water, hardly any cars with crazy custom modification that make ‘Pimp my ride’ look like a ford focus with a VHS player cello-taped to the hood!! Dammit I wanna see cars with toasters and ironing boards in them!! Cars that talk to you in 3 different languages and sound like Elizabeth Hurley!! Cars that monitor your eBay interests and bid on your behalf!! Cars that change colour and play certain music playlists in accordance to your mood!! CARS THAT DISPOSE OF UNHEALTHY SUBSTANCES YOU SNEAK ONBOARD LIKE CHOCOLATES OR KEBABS OR PIZZAS!!!! (actually scrap that idea).
[[[SPOILER ALERT, skip to next paragraph]]]The one thing I thought would be the films saving grace was Michelle Rodriguez but she’s in it for like 15minutes before getting killed off like Bambi’s mum!! WHAT’S THAT ABOUT!!! I died a little inside the same way i died a little when she was killed off in Lost, someone seriously has it out for her!!
Upon reading what I have written thus far I must point out that it is actually an enjoyable film that Id probably watch again in the future. I must also point out that I would literally hunt Bambi’s mum myself if I could have a voice like Vin Diesels, its so dreamy. I bet he just has to clear his throat when he walks in a room and women fall at his feet. Anyhows, watch this film, If you liked the first one you’ll like this one.
Everyone seems to be doing these recorded sketches so I thought “I'm hungry….I'm gonna have a pizza”…and then I thought “That was quite tasty, shame I dropped that bit of sweet pepper on the floor"…and finally I thought “I'm gonna do one of these recorded sketches” and here it is :P
Finished Drawing below
Wednesday, 6 May 2009
Saturday, 2 May 2009
So I’m sitting in Starbucks with a friend who I’ll call Eddie to respect his identity. He’s sippin on a latte while I chuck down a smoothie as we discuss life. English however is not Eddie 1st language and so the conversation is not as smooth as my smoothie……or as tasty!! There are many breaks and pauses and I do my best to use basic words. “So………you…like……errrrr…London?” he asks. “Yea its great, I love how there’s so much happening here, everything is so chaotic…hectic………errr…busy…” I say waving my hands about furiously to validate my claims of a busy city. “Everyone is running somewhere, its berserk!!” I study his face making sure ‘berserk’ hadn’t gone over his head……it didn’t. “So……errr……you…errr……work here?” I assume he was referring to Central London and not the Starbucks we were in. “No” I reply “I use to, Im hoping to find more work around here soon though. I love seeing how these big businesses operate….errr…work”. He Sips his latte and puts on that face that tells me he’s about to say something else and is carefully putting together the appropriate combination of words. “Errrrrr……” I take a gulp of my smoothie while he gets out what he wants to say. “….errrrrr…………you………errr” he continues. I realise now I'm just staring at him which is probably making it harder for him to concentrate. I take another gulp of my smoothie and read the label on the bottle, frequently looking up so he knows I'm still listening. “…….errrr………nevermind” he says defeated with a wry smile.
He gets up and signals that he’s going toilet (I cant quite remember how he signalled this, but it was communicated somehow……maybe he waved a roll of toilet paper at me or something). I take out my phone like everyone does when they are temporarily left alone in a restaurant or indeed a coffee place and send out some unnecessary texts. Soon Eddie returns. As he sits back down I notice he has a look of confidence on his face. “He must have gone ‘toilet’ to practice that sentence!” I think to myself. Sure enough he picks up where he left off. “Errrrrrrr………”. I take another gulp of my smoothie. “….errrr…”. I re-read the bottle label. “……you……” Then there is a long pause of silence. I look at him. He is drinking his latte. Wait…had I missed it!? Was I too occupied with the ingredients on my bottle label that I missed the vital part of the sentence!? Maybe that was it!! Maybe it was a question!! You?? Was he asking me if I needed the toilet!? I didn't signal it, did I? I'm pretty sure I didn’t…and I don't remember waving around a roll of toilet paper!! “……you……errr……” Oh thank God, he wasn’t finished. Good thing too as I was about to say “No, I don't need the toilet” which would have sounded quite strange. “…you know……when……” he continues. My ears are heightened at the sound of a conclusion developing in his voice, but there is another pause.
I gulp the last of my smoothie. I re-read the label. He sips his latte. I wait eagerly. Even people around us are now leaning over to hear what he has to say. Its like he is a judge in court about to give the verdict and everyone is on the edge of their seats. Like the answer to the worlds economic crisis is about to fly out of his mouth. As if he was about to confess experimenting with pigs and accidently starting this whole swine flu outbreak. “Come on Eddie” I think. “We’ve danced this dance for far too long now, stop teasing me and say it already”. As if he read my mind he puts down his cup…………there is silence………he looks around……there is more silence………then he picks up his cup again and nods as if to say “This is a good cuppa”. Hang on a sec…I think he is actually finished this time!! I study his face and it has no signs of concentration. Cor blimey!! I had actually missed it!! I couldn’t have, I was so attentive!! I play it over in my head…”you…know…when…” How could that possibly be the end of a sentence. That’s barely even a start let alone a middle or an end!! That’s just bad sentencing…in ANY language. He looks me in the eye as thou awaiting a reply. I wrack my brain for solutions. Maybe ‘When’ is the name of someone? Is he asking me if I know ‘When’? Coz I don't…i know a ‘Wendy’. Then I realise what was going on. He is obviously about to rob ‘Starbucks’ of all their coffee and is telling me to be ready to leg it!! You know when. BUT WHAT IF I DONT KNOW WHEN!! I DONT WANNA GET ARRESTED FOR YOUR CRIME!! I DONT EVEN DRINK COFFEE, WHY DO YOU THINK I’VE GOT A SMOOTHIE…I MEAN IT’S A PRETTY DAMN GOOD SMOOTHIE BUT THEY’RE NOT WORTH GOIN TO JAIL FOR!! But suddenly he says “You know when Starbucks close?”. “Oh…” I say, almost speechless but relieved My friend was not a coffee stealing criminal. “…erm I dunno but they are usually open til late”. Thank God that’s over. That must be the most complicated sentence to say in English…..EVER!! There is another moment of silence before I notice the look of deep concentration back on his face. “……Errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…” he starts. I get up and get myself another smoothie.
Thursday, 30 April 2009
I could sum this up in one word. LAME!! but where’s the fun in that? Ok so it had a few suspense-ish moments and a couple of hot-ish chicks but I require a tad more substance than that. This film is like rubbing an onion on your eyeball whilst staring directly at the sun (which my doctor tells me I should stop doing) I'm not entirely sure I even understood the ending because it was so loosely put together!! “Daniel don't you think that's why you think it’s lame, because your not smart enough to understand it?”……NO!! I understand just fine!! I understand that the writer’s wife was pregnant at the time he was about to conclude the story and he got “the phone call”. “MARK YOU SON OF……HAVING THE BA………GET YOUR SORRY ASS………LIZABETH HOSPITAL………PAIN IS UNBAREAB………GONNA KILL YOU……HURRY!!!!”. So he quickly copied the ending from a kids book he had bought for his unborn child and was out the door!! YEA I UNDERSTAND JUST FINE!!!
Anyhow cant write much about this film coz truthfully I don’t have much of an opinion on this film other than ‘Lame’. Don't rule it out entirely, its one of those films to catch if its on TV and there is nothing better to watch. Like I said, (or wrote) It has a few suspense-ish moments (actually I think I said it too)
Ok, the comparison to Twilight is unavoidable so lets just start there shall we. ‘Let the right one in’ stomps all over ‘Twilight’ like a baby lion cub in a wildebeest stampede. Like it had the nuclear weapons Bush was looking for and ‘Twilight’ had that small Cricket gun Will Smith had in ‘Men In Black’. LIKE BRUCE LEE FIGHTING THE KARATE KID!! IT BEATS’TWILIGHT’ IN EVERY SINGLE DEPARTMENT LIKE MIKE TYSON GOING ROUND DEBENHAMS PUNCHING PEOPLE ON EVERY FLOOR!!! I JUST WANNA PUT A BANDAGE ON THE ‘TWILIGHT’ DVD CASE. ITS LIKE COMPARING A SPEILBERG FILM TO A KELLY OSBOURNE HOME VIDEO!!! LIKE COMPARING A NASA ROCKET TO A CHILDS ROCKET MADE AT SCHOOL OUT OF AN EMPTY SPRITE BOTTLE AND AN OLD RICE KRISPIES CEREAL BOX!!! ‘LET THE RIGHT ONE IN’ ABSOLUTELY CHRIS BROWN’D ‘TWILIGHT’………too far!?
The story is brilliantly paced and has no novelty vampire elements. The film takes it’s small budget and completely Alan Sugar’s it to become something more impressive than a film with twice the budget. The acting is suitable and fairly impressive at times considering the two main actors are children. One thing I found strange was the amount of characters in the film who’s gender was hard to identify. It’s like the casting crew put out an ad for girls who looked like boys and boys who looked like girls and hired them al!! This however, adds to the eeriness of the film and the overall unease feeling you experience watching it. This film doesn't try to be scary and truthfully its not but whilst watching it I couldn't help but feel slightly uncomfortable. Could it be the peculiar location? could it be the citizens of the peculiar location? could it be the clothes on the citizens of the peculiar location?? It could well be, but whatever it was I enjoyed it!! But to be fair ‘Twilight’ also made me feel uneasy, could it have been the rubbish acting? could it have been the disgustingly bad script that dictated the rubbish acting? Could it have been the shamefully cheap paper the disgustingly bad script was written on that dictated the rubbish acting? It could well be (Joey if your still reading this I applaud your tolerance :P)
‘Twilight’ bashing aside I can say doubtlessly that ‘Let the right one in’ was an example to vampire films alike and proves that great special effects, famous casts, and wall to wall guts and gore is not essential to set the right tone for a vampire film. Once again I have failed to tell you what's good about this film but I trust me when I say its a good’en. At least I managed to KO ‘Twilight’ and as I failed to bring myself to demolish it in its own review I consider this a ‘two birds, one stone’ situation….Well my times up, you guys have been great, make sure to catch next episode when we’ll have ‘Simon Cowell’ on the show….and now, to play us out ‘MAXIMO PARK!!!!!’………Id sooo make a good talk show host :P
You know when I asked Wolvy if I should watch his film he gave me 3 rather unpleasant cuts across my chest. As cool as the scars will look I must say I was rather put off. Despite this I went and found it quite enjoyable. Not FULLY enjoyable, but not SLIGHTLY enjoyable. Almost like that feeling when you find a tenner in your pocket, its not a twenty but its not a fiver neither. It is a very noticeable new approach on the X-Men franchise. Gone are the shiny, smooth and pleasing locations, replaced with more rough, hard edged, gritty ones. There is also a more orange/brown tint to the film as opposed to the colder blue’s and greens of the other X-men films. All This is welcomed as a way to break away from the previous film and stand as an individual movie. One thing I'm glad about is the level of mutants. Many people complain that there are too many and it ruins the concentrations on wolverine…I say WAT THE HELL ARE YOU ON ABOUT!!! I LOVE SEEING NEW MUTANTS!! I SAY WEL KILL A FEW HUMANS TO MAKE ROOM FOR MORE MUTANTS!!! MUTANTS ARE THE FUTURE DAMMIT!!!! The problem is people have far too high expectation for highly anticipated films like this. Had Iron Man been this hyped prior to its release it would have not been as well accepted as it was. Also people need to stop nitpicking!! Its like you walk into the cinema with a Sherlock Holmes outfit on and an Inspector Gadget hat with a giant magnifying glass coming out of it, watching the film through a fine toothed comb searching for faults. Accept it for what it is and either you like it or you don't. Do not moan and bitch about it using every complaint in the “Complaints for Dummies” Book!!
I would like to point out that although yes the story was not as concrete as it could have been but ‘Wolverine’ did not deserve the lousy 2 star review it got from Empire. Wolverine hasn’t shut up about it and he is quite upset to say the least. In our kitchen is a sliced pineapple, a sliced toaster and a fridge with new departments. I I were you I’d sleep with one eye open as I’ve leaned to do after eating his last pop tart (boy he was more upset than the time he saw Homer Simpson whipping those wolves in the Simpson Movie). I say screw the critics and go watch this….Or he may pay you a visit too!!
Monday, 27 April 2009
Monday, 20 April 2009
THIS IS AN AMAAAAZING FILM!!!!!!!!…………is what I’d be saying had I listened to my friends and watched SOMETHING ELSE!! Now the only thing I can say I liked about this film was its special effects. They stood with the best of them making your eyes jump out their sockets, turn around and say “We cant believe what we’re seeing!!!” which can be a problem seeing as you cant believe your eyes especially when they cant believe each other…..errrr wait……..ok im confused….but for some reason i want to say ‘You should have gone to spec savers’. Now as sexy as those special effects are, one cannot rely on this alone to carry a film…or any other number for that matter, i mean four cannot rely on it either.
The story starts off promising like a bright boy who has just received 9 GCSE’s but then this boy starts listening to Marilyn Manson, smoking and doing drugs and drops out of College to sell blood for cash to buy more drugs and gets some girl pregnant but sells the baby for even MORE DRUGS!!…………YES…THATS HOW BAD THE FILM GETS!!!! ITS ON THE SAME LEVEL AS A GUY WHO SELLS HIS OWN DAUGHTER FOR DRUGS!! Alex Proyas what was you thinking takin on a film like this!!! How do you go from “I, Robot” to this pile of cow dung!! In fact I take that back, cows probably wouldn't want no association with this rubbish!! They’re far too busy laughing and making spreadable cheese.
Given the title I should have known better, i actually feel it was bad for my health….like I was in danger of having some kind of seizure whilst watching it, I do believe i even coughed blood a few times!! The stupid cinema staff should have warned me!! I should have walked up to them going “2 tickets for ‘Knowing’ please” and they should have waved their index finger and said “Ahhh we would love to but I'm afraid that's not possible, its a health and safety hazard and we are not insured for any potential mishaps”. OR AT LEAST TAKEN A QUICK HEALTH CHECK!!! AGE? SMOKER? DRINKER? SUFFER FROM EPILECT SYNDROMES? HAVE PROBLEMS URINATING?…..I DIDNT GET ASKED NONE OF THAT!!! THEY JUST LET ME GO IN COMPLETELY UNAWARE AND UNPROTECTED!! DAMN YOU KNOWING!!!! DAAAAMMMMMNNN YOOOOOOUUUUU!!!!!!!
This biopic was so well done I wanted to find a giant red marker and write A+ on the cinema screen. Despite some ill written reviews I think ‘Notorious’ would make any die hard ‘Biggie’ fan “kick a freestyle” in appreciation of it. Although it covers all the usual topics ‘urban American’ films cover (selling drugs, baby mamas, etc) It manages to keep it fresh like its straight out the cows udders. Most of Biggie’s classics are predictably played throughout the film which really helps you appreciate why he was such a big deal (no pun intended…………ok maybe a small one) The visualisations of each character was spot on especially Chris Wallace himself. Jamal Woolard does a very respectable portrayal of Mr. Wallace, even getting his voice almost undistinguishable from the real thing. Had I heard his voice on the radio without knowing who he was I would be on the phone to CNN before the song ended calming they got it all wrong and how he was only on holiday with Elvis. The only real criticism i have is that I think they could have been a bit more rebellious in their approach to recreate this rap icon. Biggie is presented as the most down-to-earth, wouldn't hurt a fly sorta guy who done everything with good intensions. Obviously this is out of respect but I feel they didn't have to make him out to be a saint as I'm sure he had many flaws. None-the-less I was still watching it with noting but praise scratching on my invisible decks, mouthing into my invisible mic and pimpin my invisible hoes.
All in all a film that delivers and makes you feel good to have witnessed an insight into this front-runners life.
“Biggie Biggie Bigge cant you see, sometimes your words just hypnotise me, and I just love your flashy ways, Guess that's why they broke, and you're so paid”
Sunday, 19 April 2009
Its 11pm and I'm at a fairly quiet train station awaiting my train that is running 3 minutes late. There are 4 girls to the left of me talking about some guy called Duncan…who, FYI, can now drive. Further down the platform is a man with a dog that seems a bit on edge….probably couldn't find that bone he buried a few days back…the dog, not the man. There is also a couple standing on the opposite platform who are in total silence…what do you mean a couple of what!? a couple!! I start daydreaming about trains with rockets attached to their sides deeming it the only possible way to assume they’re never late. My thoughts are soon disturbed by a strange sound in the distance that is almost like the buzz of an electric bug zapper mixed with TV static. “Where on earth is that sound coming from?” I think to myself, upset that it had interrupted my Noble prize worthy idea. I look around. Nope its not the four girls who are now talking about some guy called Tony who can also now drive. It wasn’t from the man or his dog, and it wasn’t from the couple who are still yet to have said a word to each other. I tilt my head to the left hoping it would allow my right ear to hear the sound more clearly….it doesn’t. The sound is however, gradually getting louder. Whatever was making that sound was getting closer. I start to feel uneasy as thoughts of killer bumble bees enter my head. Killer bumble bees with Mafia influences, kung-fu training and a vendetta against me for squishing their nephew Luke. Luke, who was a straight ‘B’ student, who wore a bee-utiful, blue, bee-nie hat and did an un-bee-lievably good impersonation of a bee-tle. The sound grows even more louder. I start scanning the area but fail to see anything in the badly lit station. I try to ignore it and proceed to add small wings to my rocket enabled train to give it some sort of aerodynamic advantage. The sound suddenly becomes substantially louder as if those Mafia bumble bees had just strapped speakers to their backs and are now buzzing into a microphone. I look in the direction it appears to be coming from and there it was.
Heading straight for me was a flying insect like nothing I had ever seen. It had a small beady head connected to a large furry body which vibrated in rhythm with the big wings attached to it. There was also a stinger big enough for Zelda to use as a sword. It almost looked like the spider from ‘Charlottes Web’ but with a grizzly bear’s fur and wings like a dragonfly. Not to mention this thing was HUGE!!! THE SIZE OF A BOWLING BALL!!!……………ok that's a slight exaggeration……it was more like a tennis ball but still….A TENNIS BALL!!! I step back as it was getting too close for comfort. I turn to see if the girls have noticed this ‘thing’ that would make Freddy Krueger pee his pants and hide under the bed. They had, but they don't seem as freaked out as I am. I turn back to the ‘thing’ and to my surprise it was face to face with me!!….and boy did it have an angry face like someone just stepped on his new white trainers (please understand he wasn’t actually wearing trainers…..oh and I'm assuming it’s a ‘he’, didn’t really get a good look at its…tools) I Panic and jump back as the girls watch me. The ‘thing’ slowly hovers closer. While desperately wishing my mummy was there I see that I now also have the full attention of the silent couple (…JUST A COUPLE!!!) “Calm yourself Danny Boy” I tell myself. “Its more scared of you than you are of it….besides you didn’t kill HIS nephew so its all good, he has no motive……PLUS do you really want these girls and that couple to know your scared of a little bug”. I resent what my mind said because in no way was that scary thing ‘little’. It pauses an arms reach away and just stares. “What does he want from me!!” I wonder. My mind starts racing… “Maybe its developing its own rocket enabled train and wants to “off” the competition……Maybe it fancies me!! What if I’ve been chosen to be king and it has plans to repopulate it’s dying species!!……Maybe its allergic to my deodorant and has come to negotiate an alternative to my ‘Sure’ for men”.
The ‘thing’ suddenly charges towards me. I make a run for it, dashing past the girls who sit amused…IS IT BEHIND ME?!! IS IT BEHIND ME?!! and as if a big flashing ‘YES’ hit me in the face I hear ‘Bzzzz’. I run faster and in all the panic I didn't realise I had just charged at the stressed looking dog who erupts into a fit of barks and snarls. Upon realising how how much older the man was and how long the leash was I stop in my tracks and head back to the girls. I feel something brush against the back of my neck and let out a rather embarrassing “Ahh!”. I quickly turn around….nothing, but then another brush followed by an even louder “Ahhhh!!” The girls just sit there like I was their entertainment for the night..I needed help!! Where was this ‘Duncan’ or ‘Tony’ they were on about?? They could drive me away from this torture!! I hear the buzz again “Why is this thing following me?? AND WHERE IS THE TRAIN!!!” I start running again…leaving the girls and dodging the angry dog shouting in my head “YOU CAN HAVE THE ROCKET ENABLED TRAIN IDEA!!! BUT I DONT WANT TO REPOPULATE WITH YOU AND I HAPPEN TO LIKE MY SURE DEODRORANT!!!”. I reach the end of the platform all out of breath. There is no buzzing sound, no sign of the ‘thing’ at all. I smile a smile of relief and victory as the ‘Rocky’ Theme plays in my head. The silent couple then burst into laughter which sets off the girls…hell, even the dog and his dog are laughing now. I dont care, IM ALIVE and the ‘thing’ has disappeared somewhere in the darkness.
I see the train appear far down the tracks, all is a-ok. but then……Bzzzzz………NO……NO IT CANT BE!!! I hesitantly turn around to see a big Mafia bumble bee eyeing me, wearing a black belt, with a RIP Luke tattoo on its stinger………MUMMY!!!