Saturday, 20 December 2008

Quantum of Solace Review

Ok so the first time I watched this I pretty much slept through 85% of it (it had been a very loooooong week) but as I am such a fan of the revamped Daniel Craig Bond I decided to hit the cinema again to show it some respect. Im glad to say my respect had not been misplaced. This addition stinks so vigorously of class and style I almost suffocated in my seat. It almost felt like I didnt deserve to see it, like I was a street-sweeper travelling first class or Ronald McDonald eating lobster. The action is as well handled as Casino Royale. I particularly liked the fight/chase scene between Bond and Mitchell, the choreography appears very organic and has an smooth flow between sequences. One thing I must say is that if I was Bond I would stay away from all modes of transportation because one way or another someone is gonna try and kill you. He drives a car, someone tries to kill him, he flys a helicopter, someone tries to kill him. Hell I bet he could put on a pair of roller blades and someone will try to stab him. Its like random hitmen going about their daily business are horrified by the sight of him trying to get somewhere to the point they just wanna chop off his walnuts!! I guess thats the world he lives in.

Olga Kurylenko plays her role as the next "Bond Girl" brilliantly (or really badly...I cant really tell as I was blinded by her amazing body.....face....EVERYTHING!!!) I will be honored to place this film next to my Casino Royale blu-ray... (and just a thought for you blu-ray content bout a few HUNDRED HQ pictures of Olga as a bonus. You got the space for it)

A definate must see, but dress up a bit for it or you'll feel la little be-littled

Saturday, 15 November 2008

How to Lose Friends & Alienate People Review

I hated this film because it was so hard to like it. What did I expect...I dont like film4 films, I dont like Simon Pegg and losing friends and alienating people is the last thing I need tips on. I would like to take this time to say "Ellen, DAMN YOU FOR MAKING ME WATCH THIS INSTEAD OF TROPIC THUNDER!!!" Even the site of Meagan Fox in a bra was ruined by the numbness I felt while watching this. Hell, I'd even go as far as to say her presence was annoying due to the horrific acting. But hey, dont take it personally Meagan...everybody's acting was poo. There just wasnt any comedic direction. I admit there were a few times I LOL'd and Kirsten always brightens my day but overall it was as enjoyable to look at as used toilet paper when your checking if 'all is clear'. AVOID AVOID AVOID

Tuesday, 4 November 2008



Monday, 3 November 2008



Sunday, 14 September 2008

Face Off

Me getting my photoshop on

Saturday, 13 September 2008

Mirrors Review

Just the mention of Kiether Sutherland gets me more excited than a teenage girl at an N*Sync concert, so it was a no-brainer for me to watch this. Although the script could have been more polished this movie does the job ensuring the nice balance of suspense, gore, and "oh my God I think I just crapped my pants" moments. I personally found a lot of the scenes quite humorous due to Sutherlands inability to shake the 24 Jack Bauer traits. Many occasions sees him reverting to Bauers aggressive orders and merciless interrogation's but does it bother! Place Jack Bauer in a Power Ranger Movie and I'll still be throwing popcorn at the screen encouraging him to kidnap the bad guys son, hold him hostage and rough him up until the villain cowers. This film also gained brownie points by hosting two very sexy individuals (no not Sutherland.......well). Amy Smart who whenever I see, reminds me of her saucy scene in Road Trip, and Paula Patton who Im convinced is worthy enough to be Gods wife (hope thats not blasphemy, Im relying on the man upstairs to make her see sense and marry me......Robin Thicke you lucky son-of-a-gun!!). Decent film , not genre defining but easily an enjoyable watch

Monday, 28 July 2008

Speed Racer Review

I will now demonstrate why people regard me as "simple", "easily pleased" and "immature". THIS FILM WAS FREAKIN AMAZIN!!!!!! The whole movie was sweeter than sherbert-covered suger cubes!! The visual style is what attracted me to this film and it never let me down throughout the film, mainly coz the actual story was pretty snazzy (unlike A Scanner Darkly, biggest letdown since Paris Hilton's sex tape). Now usually films with predictable endings really let you down in terms of an acceptable climax but this film dropped its wacky races styled antics to reveal ONE MONSTER OF A RACE FINALE WHICH WOULD MAKE MICHAEL SCUMACHER CRY IN SHEER DELIGHT!! and talk about speed, i saw this in the Imax and the race sequences (especially the end) was like SITTING ON A ROCKET, PLAYING BURNOUT PARADISE, LISTENING TO AEROSMITH, WHILE CHEWING ON A DOZEN ENERGIZER BATTERIES AND BRAKING THE SOUND BARRIER!!! The Wachowski bros have redeemed themselves from the disaster that was 'Matrix Reveloutions'. Id love a sequel but that film proves continuations are not the brothers strong points. GO WATCH!!!! AND CHECK OUT CHRISTINA RICCI.....MEEEEEGA BABE!!!!

Saturday, 19 July 2008

The Dark Knight Review

As a man who wasnt exactly impressed by 'Batman Begins', 'The Dark Knight' was not high on my 2008 hitlist. I was, however, drowned in an ocean of unavoidable hype to the point I resuscitated myself and swam to the nearest cinema. As a whole this film was seems the replacement of 'Batman' in the title has made the character less Batman-ny. All scenes with the caped crusader are painfully average and conventional. The choreography of his fight scenes are so plane and repetitive, it was like the video game where his fighting moves are limited to 2 buttons with the occasional combo followed by the signature move. I found him overall quite disappointing as a leading character and would have significantly lowered my rating of this film had it not been for the saving grace that is 'The Joker'. Heath Ledger gives the best villain performance I have seen in years!!! His portrayal of The Joker is disturbingly refreshing, he laughs the socks of Jack Nicholson's Joker. Seriously, everything about it was brilliant, the talk, the walk, the unscripted humour, the body language, even the way he licks his lips has an appeal..(.....Im straight, I SWEAR!!!) Had this film been called 'JOKER' and told from his perspective it probably would have been my film of the year, its a performance to be proud of as his last. Also Bale gives an amazing Bruce Wayne who in contrast to Batman is intriguing to watch. I have always been a fan of Brucie as he is different to the average "down-and-out", "pre-superpower loser", he's a successful superhero without any real super powers which gives the concept a twist that makes them more believable and makes writers work harder. Two cheers for Bruce Wayne.....oh and give one to Tony Stalk too A joy to watch for the most part and well worth the watch especially to see Ledgers FLAWLESS performance.

Monday, 14 July 2008

Iron Man Review

I gave this film an extra half a star than it really deserves because I wasn't really impressed by the trailers and was expecting it to be as lame as 'Daredevil' but by-golly (i know, i thought i'd give it a try.......sorry) it actually turned out to be a pretty sound way to spend 2hrs. Tony Stark is a refreshing character in the marvel lab, and is beautifully brought to life by Robert Downey Jr, he kicks ass. Just a difficult must it be to go loo in that suit, unless it has a little part round the crotch that automatically pops open like his mask but still pretty damn arward. The special effects are the standard every Marvel film should be, top notch (dammit, did it again). Then again, it would also need a pop-open part for the booty when u need a dump.........erm, yeaaaa. Quality film, one for the collection. Hang on, thought, why's he called "iron"man, he aint made of iron....i mean, by that logic we would call 'superman' Spandex with over-underwear sorry this is what happens when i let my brain loose. WATCH THE FILM!

Saturday, 12 July 2008

Monday, 30 June 2008

Get Smart Review

Now initially I had no plans of seeing this film, despite my recent rantings about my new found love for Steve Carell comedy, but as there was no decent looking films to watch on the big screen and it had been a while since I wrote a review, I decided to give it a go. I give this 3 stars out of generosity and respect to Mr. Carell because this film is actually 4 shades of poo. If a decent film was a pub dart hitting the 50 point bullseye, this film would fly right past the dartboard and catch the bartender in the neck. With every faint attempt of a joke I painfully forced out a little chuckle in hope I could fool myself into thinking this was worth my time and money. This was like an (equally as bad) American version of Johnny English, where every lame joke made you wanna slap the cinema manager and ask why (s)he allowed a film like this to step foot in the screening room!! I question Steve Carell for signing on the dotted line, seriously, did he even read the script! I guess if i squint my eyes...maybe take off my glasses, hold up two empty wine bottles and peer through I could MAYBE see how this can be a few peoples cup of tea but it was a total time waster for me. Oh well.....cant win em all Stevey

Wednesday, 25 June 2008

WALL-E Review

IN THE RED CORNER, THE LATEST PRODUCT FROM HEAVYWEIGHT TEAM PIXAR......WALL-E!!!!!! IN THE BLUE CORNER, THE DEFENDING CHAMP, THE BIRTH OF NON-HUMAN CHARACTERS WITH REAL HEART AND HUMAN-TRAITS.........E.T.!!!!!!!!!!! **DING DING DING** WALL-E smacks E.T. so hard in his Christina Ricci-like face im not surprised he wants to go home. Im just playing, without E.T. there probably wouldnt be any WALL-E (or Drew Barrymore lol, I heard she was born and raised specifically to be cute in that film.....what!! thats what I heard!!)

I have literally been counting down the release of this film since it was mentioned Feb 2007 and OMG it didnt disappoint. This film is like the sneaky guy who hops in a cab to get miles ahead in a race and nobody understands how they got there so fast. Wall-E is practically standing at the finish line with binoculars watching the other animations sluggishly compete enviously. I cant believe they have made an almost silent film and still managed to impress us...I bet they could release a film with no movement what-so-ever and we'd still be glued to our seats starring at a still-life image for 2 hours in sheer delight. The visuals top 'Cars', and the story tops 'Finding Nemo'. They really hit the jackpot.

I was amazed by the design & movement of our hero WALL-E. His caterpillar track wheels manage to be true to the physics, yet his creative use of them allows him to perform very imaginative actions. His rusted and worn metal panels manage to show he is no spring chicken but are not overbearing to the point where admiration and endearment cannot be felt for him. I also loved the way he cowers into a perfect square when he is scared. The beginning is magical, the entrance of EVE is spectacular, the humour is subtle, appropriately placed and gags are never dwelled upon like DreamWorks films which give it longevity. I do think the ship based scenes were too different from the other sepia toned scenes and they felt out of place. I would even stretch to say they were not of the same standard as even the humans were not much more impressive than those of 'Toy Story 2' but regardless the rest of the film is more than good enough to assure a 5 star rating from me (and of course Empire). One of the greatest cinema experiences Iv ever had I got my fix. Only 359 days til the next Pixar film 'UP' out 17th July 2009, I CANT WAIT!!!!!

Sunday, 15 June 2008

Kung Fu Panda Review

Only a studio like Dreamworks can take a panda and successfully make him a kung fu Dragon Warrior. I mean seriously, what next, a worm that wants to be a fishing legend? a snake that dreams of playing professional football, an elephant spy with impressive stealth or even a 700 year old Waste Allocated Load Lifting robot that discovers love.....oh wait......any who, this film really was a leap out of the ordinary for Dreamworks animations. It was jammed pack, like a school boy's lunchbox whose parents think may be anorexic, with so much action and kung fu-ness but there is also a lot of heart which i find non-existent in most other Dreamwork animations. Jack Black is an AMAZING voice talent, I thought he was great in Shark Tale but absolutely SENSATIONAL in this. The voice was perfect for Po the panda and was done so well you can easily differentiate between the man and the CGI animal. One thing Dreamworks never lacks in is their actual animation skills, this film was no exception proving even the most active movements and scenes are no problem from the annoyingly talented DW team. I did find they didn't use all voice talents to their fullest. Jackie Chan and Angelina Jolie were hardly noticeable which I find strange, surely if you invest crap-loads of cash for these stars to sell your movie you should actually USE them accordingly, I think they have like 4 lines between them!! Its like paying an extra grand for one of the hot prostitutes and only getting to snuggle with her.....i would want the WORKS!!!! Oh well it aint my money........a toast to an exciting, fun, and pure kung-fuey film, cheers

Thursday, 12 June 2008

The Incredible Hulk Review

Its sooo unfair, when he gets angry he turns green, gets super-human strength, and suddenly appears in trendy shorts....when I get angry I grind my teeth, throw toys at people like a baby and sometimes wet myself in anger... oh well, thats life. I found this film very enjoyable mainly because Hulk had a proper villain to piss him off. The editing wasnt as impressive as the previous film with its beautiful transactions but had more hulk-action in its favor. The ending was 10x better the previous one, its what we all really wanna see, a good fist fight!! unlike the last one that ended with some flashing lights in a vortex of fog spinning about like a tornado....what the hell was that all about. was luvin the new bruce banner, Norton did him justice. Bad points about this film is the model of hulk itself was so exaggerated its ridicules, plus the face doesnt look anything like Banner. The rage is really intoxicating, upon leaving the really cold, semi-full cinema someone budged me out the way to beat me to the door...needless to say I started grinding my teeth and threw a toy at him :P

Saturday, 19 April 2008

The Water Horse: Legend of the Deep Review

When I hatched my first Water Horse egg I dont remember it being nearly half as cute as the one in this film, in fact I seem to recall it chewing off part of my left ear, thats why I named him Tyson........oh wait......what am I talkin about!!........IM LOSIN MY MIND!!!.............I called him Charlie. Lol.

I was not drawn to this film when it came to cinemas, the whole Loch Ness monster myth has never really floated my boat (and why would it, it would just knock me over lol......sorry) but when the DVD came out boldly displaying the VFX company responsible for the creature (Weta, creators of King Kong and Gollum) I was more than a little intrigued. I bought it on Blu-ray to reap the fullness of the CGI and my God was it worth it. Every one of the many shots that presented the creature was so life-like and realistic you'd swear the director was discussing how each shot should be played with him between takes. The interaction between CGI and live characters was almost flawless and the lighting matched the environments down to a 'T'.

I think its fair to say the story itself was nothing extraordinary but was good enough to compliment the visuals. Emily Watson however, was an utter disgrace all-be-it her character was pretty dull on paper anyway, but her acting didnt help which I found to be a big standout weight holding this film down. Definately worth the watch, especially on Blu-ray with a Full HD TV. Right gotta go bathe my Water Horse and ....erm.....eventually wake up

The Forbidden Kingdom Review

Now is probably not the best time to write this as im in the middle of some amateur kung fu fighting for the last slice of pizza *Slap to the face* (hey i said it was amateur)

Anyway its good to see Jackie and Jet in a film together, I cant believe it has taken so long. The film is okish....watchable....enjoyable.......good i guess. Ok im just gonna say it, Im pissed off with Hollywood trying to make kung fu films. *twist of the nipples* These American kung fu films are destroying the face of the martial arts film genre. 'Bullet Proof Monk' you have Sean William Scott trying his hand at it, 'Forbidden Kingdom' has Michael Angarano trying it, you even have Chris Tucker thinking he can kick ass in the 'Rush Hour' franchise. Martial arts in my opinion should be left to the experts especially where film is concerned *Tug on the armpit hairs* and this, lets face it, is Asians.......oh and Jean-Claude Van Damme. Its all gotten too westernized, the storys the actors and the fake CGI fights. And im not saying we should be strict to the old skool films, i do embrace the SFX every now and again. 'Crouchin Tiger' used a crap-load of rope and was amazing, 'Shaolin Soccer' used crap-loads of CGI and was DISGUTINGLY AMAZING!!!! but i want these films to stay true to their roots, thats why I love them. *block the smack to the chin* the 'Police Story's, the 'Iron Monkey's, the 'Enter The dragon's.

Well anyway this film aint too shabby plus there is some very good fight scenes between Chan and Li that will be any lover of Kung Fu films cup of tea.Oh and the chick in it is a MEGA BABE!!!!!!!!!!!(sorry i failed to really share my views on this particular film)

*and a mouth fart to the belly secures the last slice of pizza....I AM THE ONE!!!!!*

Monday, 3 March 2008

Horton Hears a Who Review

If the world declared peace and marked you as the ruler of the world allowing you to have an orgy with your top 5 sexiest stars, giving you the power to end world hunger and somehow stop global warming, it still wouldnt be as great as this movie!!! This is by far the greatest animation to come out of the Blue Sky factory. Its absolutely hilarious, Jim Carrey & Steve Carell in animated form, it just screams chemistry!! This film has all round humour that will have you peeing yourself even if you just went toilet! Im pretty sure i missed a ton of jokes coz i was too busy laughing at the previous ones. It feels good to give this 5 stars without feeling like Im being too generous, id give it 6 if i could. In fact i do, ******. Take that flixster rating limitations. Best animated film of the year, I seriously dont know if Wall-E can top it. WATCH IT!!!!

Wednesday, 20 February 2008

Vantage Point Review

12:00pm This movie was sooo cool, it was like eating a dozen Wrigleys Airwaves at once. The concept was a great experience allowing you to see a great story unfold in different angles.

12:00pm This movie was sooo cool, it was like having an orgy with polar bears in santa's penthouse. I dont know how the film was shot but there is a richness to the picture that is very uncommon. The scenary of spain (assuming they shot on location) was amazing.

12:00pm This movie was sooo cool, it was like standing at the top of Mount Everest naked with a hand-held fan. The car chase was a new league, for the 1st time I actually did feel like I was in the heart of the action!!

12:00pm This movie was sooo cool, it was like jumping out the shower and laying on a huge ice cube til you get more frost bite than that chick in Saw III. Forget the bad reviews, see this film its a MUST SEE!!!

Thursday, 31 January 2008

The Spiderwick Chronicles Review

First things first, when a movie has 'Spider' in the title I expect to see some spiders!!. What if 'Snakes on a plane' had no snakes!!, or what if 'There will be blood' had no blood!!? It should have been called, 'Fairies & the weird ogre things', mainly due to the fairies and weird ogre things in the film...doesnt take a genius, someone tell that to whoever came up with 'Quantum of Solace' for the next Bond film.
Any-who, the film was enjoyable, but what really rocked my boat was the animation. Some of the background CGI characters were really dodgy but the main CGI characters were very sexy!! well not in the actually meanin of the word but in a "OMG IM LOVIN IT!!! sort of way.
The story was ok, nothing special but pretty much what you would expect. The main attraction is the magical-ness that everyone over the age of 20 wants to remember. Worth the cinema ticket, not really one for the DVD collection........ok ok or the Blu Ray collection smart ass!!

Wednesday, 16 January 2008

Cloverfield Review

If lady liberty losing her head was the sacrifice for the birth of this magnificent film then I say off with the top of the Eifel tower, off with the hands of Big Ben, straighten up that tower of Pisa and let more great films come.The film is nothing like your typical 'Attack on America blockbuster', its not filled with corny one-liners, there is no hero with all the answers and is cliche-free. This film is genius in its simplicity, it has the balls (the story, not the monsters.....i never really saw if the monster had a pair or not) to not justify the monsters attack with some stupid far-fetched explanation. Any other movie would have a monsterologist who says something like "over there you can see a male monsterakious" and "due to global warming earth has become the perfect place for these monsters to give birth". Its simple, monsters are attacking, deal with it. The hand-held camera approach was refreshingly different although during many running moments made me feel as though I was on the titanic about to throw up all over Kate Winslet's exposed chest. Excellent movie, earned every one of its Empire given 5 star status......and for those who care, I think Jessica Lucas is a MEGABABE!!!

Wednesday, 9 January 2008

The Bucket List Review

It takes a lot of balls to do a film with this topic at Nicholson and Freeman's age. As if these two needed any more of my respect they went and took some more anyway.

This film is about 2 strangers who meet in hospital as they are both diagnosed with cancer, and with the few months left they have to live they decide to live out their dreams before they kick the bucket.

Both actors have reached a point in their career where they just don't have to try anymore because perfection comes naturally to them. Both performances where amazing and the chemistry between the two would make peanut butter and jelly consider marriage counseling.

A wonderful film, the only bad thing is the realization that these two heroes of film ARE actually getting on a bit (like Jackie Chan.....sniff sniff.........OH WHY CRUEL WORLD!!!! EVIL LORD OF TIME, DON'T LEAVE JACKIE SUBJECTED TO CARTOON REPRESENTATIONS AND STUPID WOOLWORTHS COMMERCIALS....sniff...HES GOT ANOTHER POLICE STORY IN HIM...I KNOW HE DOES!!...sniff..) sorry...erm....dunno what came over me....sniff....great film, a must see